how to make your essay funny

Humorous Writing (A Guide to Adding Humor to Writing)

Whether it’s a novel, a short story , or a blog post, a dash of humor can be a game-changer. But crafting comedy isn’t one-size-fits-all. From witty one-liners to playful satire, the spectrum of humor is vast. Remember, what has one person in stitches might leave another scratching their head. So, know your audience, and then dive into these techniques to pepper your prose with chuckles.

Various Forms of Humorous Writing

Many often view sarcasm as the lowest form of witticism because it relies on mean-spiritedness and mockery. It can be funny if used in moderation, but too much sarcasm will make your writing seem unprofessional and petty.

Wit is similar to sarcasm, except that it uses intelligence and cleverness instead of condescension and mockery. It employs puns , wordplay, and double meanings to lead the reader down an amusing path.

Last but not least, we have satire, which makes fun of people or ideas by using exaggeration, ridicule, or parody. When done right, satire pokes holes in some hot arguments and brings attention to societal issues . Controversial politicians and other celebrities are often subjected to satire by comedians.

Use Them Wisely!

All four forms of funny business we discussed can enhance your writing if used carefully. Keep in mind though that overdoing any of these methods may result in wasted time, so choose your chuckles wisely! Try using irony or sarcasm in situations where it would be unexpected but still make sense within the story’s context. Or play around with word choice by making absurd comparisons or substitutions (like referring to a very tall and lanky character as “beanpole”). If done well, humorous writing can enhance your readers’ experience. Just don’t overdo it or force the jokes to the point that it doesn’t appear natural in the piece itself. Often, a little goes a long way!

How to Write Humorously

Elements of hum or in writing.

Who doesn’t enjoy some dark humor from time to time? Have you noticed that even in movies of the horror genre , filmmakers try to inject a little humor now and then? This is known as comedic relief and it makes movies more enjoyable. But before you start cracking jokes, there are a few elements you should know about using humor in your writing:

One of the most important elements of humor is timing and delivering the punchline at the right moment. Knowing when to deliver a joke is crucial, and if you do it too soon or too late, the effect will be lost.

2. Relevance

3. comical value, why incorporate a bit of humor into your next piece, 1. brainstorm ideas with friends or fellow writers, 2. pay attention to timing and delivery.

Jokes that are too long or arrive at the wrong moment will fall flat. Work on perfecting your delivery so that readers laugh when they’re supposed to. Polishing your timing and delivery is crucial for maximizing the impact of your joke. This will help you achieve the desired result, which is to make the readers laugh. Psychologist and bestselling author Dean Buonomano points out in his book Your Brain is a Time Machine that our mind not only tracks the passage of time but can also stretch or compress our sense of that passage in various ways. So why not give humor a try in your next piece? It might just take your writing from good to great.

FAQs on Humorous Writing

1. how do you write a funny poem.

There is no one way to write a funny poem, but you can try these tips:

2. How do you come up with a funny story?

If you like to master humorous writing, following these tips and techniques can help get you started. Just remember not to overdo it. A bit of humor goes a long way! And be sure to keep your audience in mind so that you don’t end up offending anyone with your jokes. With a light touch and the right approach, humorous writing can be a great asset to any piece. Next up, you may want to explore a guide on how to start a business plan writing service .

Rafal Reyzer

Hey there, welcome to my blog! I'm a full-time entrepreneur building two companies, a digital marketer, and a content creator with 10+ years of experience. I started RafalReyzer.com to provide you with great tools and strategies you can use to become a proficient digital marketer and achieve freedom through online creativity. My site is a one-stop shop for digital marketers, and content enthusiasts who want to be independent, earn more money, and create beautiful things. Explore my journey here , and don't miss out on my AI Marketing Mastery online course.

• Scriptwriting

How to Write Comedy — Tips, Techniques & Script Examples

A sk any creative writer what the hardest genre to write is and they’ll probably tell you that it’s comedy. That’s because story structure can only bring you so far in comedy writing – the fact of the matter is that if you aren’t funny, you aren’t funny. So how do you become funny? Do you read joke books? No! Like everything else, you practice until you become perfect – well, not perfect per se – most comedy writers would be happy with just okay. We’re going to show you how to write comedy, with script examples from 21 Jump Street and Curb Your Enthusiasm , but first, let’s define comedy writing.

Watch: How Comedy Works in Writing, Directing & Editing

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Guide to Comedic Writing

What is comedy writing.

In simplest terms, comedy writing is a genre of writing that is intended to be funny. There’s much more to it than that, but first and foremost, the chief goal is to make the audience laugh. Let’s watch a quick video to hear one of the most successful comedy writers of all-time, Jerry Seinfeld, explain the basics of comedy writing.

Writing Comedy  •  Jerry Seinfeld on How to Write a Joke With The New York Times

Comedy writing is something you don’t see people doing. It’s a secretive thing.

— Jerry Seinfeld

As Seinfeld suggests, comedy writing is a very secretive thing. One reason why is because most comedy writers feel like their material has to be perfect before it’s presented. 

Think about it this way: let’s say you write a dramatic stage play. There’s no way to tell if the audience hated it – except if they fell asleep, then I’d say it’s fair to say they hated it. Now let’s say you write a comedic play. If the audience doesn’t laugh at the jokes, then you know they hated it.

You know, they know, everybody knows – a joke that doesn’t land is a special type of shame . It’s for this reason that comedy writing can feel so personal. The most important thing to remember is that nobody is funny 100% of the time, but by taking inspiration from some of the best, we can improve our craft.

Comedy writing doesn’t have to be a solitary craft. Due to the advent of the internet, comedy is more collaborative now more than ever. This next video explains how the Lonely Island sketch “Dear Sister” helped to usher in a new era of comedy.

How to Write Comedy  •  How ‘Dear Sister’ Changed Comedy by Karsten Runquist

The difference between Seinfeld’s traditionalist advice on comedy writing and Karsten Runquist’s new-age analysis is that one says that comedy is achieved by plot ; the other says that plot is achieved by comedy. Think of memes for example: what makes a meme funny? Well, I’d say memes are funny because somebody doesn’t “get it.”

A meme is like an inside joke between millions of people – but once it breaks out of that “inside” bubble, then it ceases to be funny. This teaches us something essential about comedy writing; almost always, somebody has to be the butt of the joke. No matter how big or small, somebody has to be made fun of. It’s this very notion that makes comedy writing so difficult. 

Rules of Comedy, Explained

Tips and tricks for writing comedy.

One of the most difficult aspects of comedy script writing is finding the right person to perform it. You could write something really clever, but if it’s performed in a tone that’s incongruent to what you mean, then it’s not going to sound funny.

So when writing any sort of comedy, don’t be afraid to add emphasis. That’s true in more ways than one – emphasize the punch-lines to your jokes, emphasize specificity, and emphasize contradictions. 

Like any type of writing, comedy writing relies on conflict . In this scene from Meet the Parents , the family patriarch Jack interrogates his daughter’s boyfriend Greg. Pay attention to how screenwriters Jim Herzfeld and John Hamburg entice us with character conflict.

How to Write Comedy  •  Watch the Meet the Parents Lie Detector Test Scene

I wanted to look at this scene for a couple reasons. The first is that it’s a great structural example of how to put together a comedic scene. The mean dad, clueless boyfriend trope is just that... a trope. So how do the writers make it feel refreshing and new?

Well, it starts with emphasis and exaggeration. Jack isn’t just any dad, he’s a former CIA operative. And Greg’s not just a clueless boyfriend, he’s a walking bad-luck charm. So in a structural sense, this relationship is primed for comedic conflict.

Here are five great tips for writing a comedy scene:

• Take a typical situation and exaggerate it
• Let tension build
• Use specificity
• Embarrass someone
• Finish with a bang

Now let’s see how Meet the Parents  utilizes these five strategies.

• Greg is visiting his girlfriend’s family. This is a typical situation – and at some level, it’s something we can all relate to. But it’s exaggerated by Jack’s CIA background.
• Say you’re the writer of a story like  Meet the Parents  and you have a great structural conflict between two characters (Jack and Greg) – how do you take that tension and build it? Well, start by putting the two characters in close proximity.
• Specificity is a double-edged sword in comedy writing. Notice how Greg is wearing Jack’s pajamas with the little JB insignia on the chest-pocket? That’s funny. Notice how there are a bunch of pictures of Jack undercover in the CIA? That’s funny. And it’s funny because it’s not forced on us.
• Jack embarrasses Greg by asking him uncomfortable questions. Situationally, this is funny, and it’s elevated by Robert De Niro’s great deadpan delivery. 
• Like Jerry Seinfeld said, always save the best joke for last. It’s an expectation in comedy writing that you’re going to end with a bang. In this scene from  Meet the Parents , it’s when Jack asks Greg if he watches porn.

WRITING COMEDY TIPS

How to make your script funny.

Would you believe me when I say there’s a secret technique you can use to instantly make any scene funnier? No, that sounds too good to be true! But alas, it is.

The technique known as irony  – which is defined as being the opposite of what we expect – can turn any scene on its head.

How to Write Comedy  •  21 Jump Street Screenplay

21 Jump Street went through a lengthy rewrite process. In this revision of the script, undercover cops Jenko and Schmidt arrive at a scene somewhat akin to what we see in the original tv show. There’s nothing wrong with the scene as it was originally written – but the final version of the scene shows just how much a difference irony can make.

Here, Jenko takes the lead, expecting to command the crowd like he did in high school. But as Bob Dylan famously said, the times are a-changin’. 

How to Write Comedy  •  Watch 21 Jump Street 

We expect Jenko to be considered “cool.” But instead, he’s condemned. Conversely, we expect Schmidt to be considered “lame.” But instead, he’s celebrated. This is irony . This character dynamic makes 21 Jump Street feel refreshing. If you’re considering writing a comedy script, think about how contrived character stereotypes can be subverted with irony. 

Writing Comedy Taboos

Things to avoid in comedy writing.

Most comedians will tell you that no topic is off-limits in comedy writing. And although that may be true, just remember that it’s really hard to make certain things funny – and you’re not going to win audiences over making jokes about taboo subject matter. 

We’ve all heard the saying “read the room” before, but how do we “read the room” when we’re writing alone? Well, one way is to take notes when you’re out in public, then transcribe them into a routine, sketch, or scene later. If you know Larry David’s Curb Your Enthusiasm , then this process may sound familiar.

This next video explains Larry David’s writing process for Curb in further detail.

Comedy Writing Techniques  •  How to Write Comedy Like Larry David by StoryDive

The reason I bring up Curb in regards to “what to avoid in comedy writing” is because Larry David is a master of navigating that ever-so-delicate line. Take this clip from Curb Your Enthusiasm Season Nine, Ep. 8 for example.

How to Write Humor  •  Study Perspective in this Curb Your Enthusiasm Clip

In this montage scene, a Muslim investigator looks into Larry’s past to see if he deserves a fatwa. In each part of the montage, a delicate subject matter is addressed. Why is it funny? Well, it’s all about perspective. In Curb Your Enthusiasm , Larry is consistently made out to be the bad guy. By framing him as the good guy, we see the ludicrousy of the show’s situations in a new light.

Don’t be afraid to play with perspective. Sometimes, the comedy of a scene is found in a perspective you would’ve never guessed. Consider framing your comedic situations in different ways.

This experimentation will often help you find the best angle to present your jokes.

Comedy lessons from Gene Wilder

We touched on a lot of the foundational aspects of comedy writing, but there’s so much more to it than what we went over here. In this next article, we break down how to direct actors, with special emphasis on how Gene Wilder changed comedy. By studying Wilder’s comedic style, we can learn a lot about how to be a better comedy writer.

Up Next: Directing Comedy Actors →

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How to Write Humor

So, you’d like to try your hand at humor, but have no idea how to get started? You’re in the right place. While I can’t promise that this post will instantly transform you into Chris Rock or Jerry Seinfeld, it can help you locate your funny bone.

However, before we begin, let’s start with an obligatory disclaimer: Humor is not one-size-fits-all. Humor is subjective. What’s funny to me may not be funny to you. However, what’s funny to you will definitely be funny to someone else, and hopefully, that someone else is your reader.

Whether you want to devise a side-splitting, ridiculously slapstick tale from cover to cover or you’re just hoping to sprinkle in moments of levity throughout your novel, humor is a must-have tool in every writer’s arsenal. Humor can enhance any story and surprise the reader into paying closer attention.

But humor writing isn't easy. Even if you’re naturally funny in social situations, it can prove difficult to translate in-person playfulness to on-paper humor. Difficult, but not impossible.

Let’s discuss why your story needs humor and tips for adding elements of comedy to your story.

Here’s a list of 10 things to keep in mind when writing humor. Subscribe to receive this extra resource.

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Reasons to Include Humor in Your Story

Why is humor important in your writing?

Literature is so somber and staid these days. I’ve come across shelves of novels with nary a lighthearted moment.

But, if we’re completely honest, life’s not like that. Life can be severe and heartbreaking at times, but there are definite moments of levity and fun. If you’d like to capture the dynamic beauty of life in your stories, you should also include humor.

Additionally, using humor can stretch your abilities as a writer. You may feel more comfortable writing in a serious tone, but why not learn the fine art of humor? Humor is an essential literary device that will improve your reader’s level of engagement.

What is Humor?

Humor isn’t easy to define. While you know that humor is a cognitive and emotional experience that often leads to laughter, you may not know why. Why is something funny?

No one knows how to definitively answer that question. As I mentioned above, humor is personal, subjective, and biased.

Humor is often the result of surprise. An unexpected action or phrase can be a delightful treat when set up in the right way.

Study Humor

Before you start writing, I highly recommend that you take a moment to study humor.

Immerse yourself in what you think is funny. From books to blogs to tweets to t-shirts, there’s no such thing as a shortage of funny material these days. You can read funny content. You can watch funny shows. But don’t just consume it, take notes.

• Why does this joke resonate with you?
• What’s unique about the delivery?
• Is there a formula that you can use in your own writing?

Picking apart the jokes from your favorite comedians isn’t just fun, but it can be insightful. Sometimes, it’s all about word choice. Other times, it’s about set up. To create similar humor in your own writing, you’ll need to figure out how to capture that magic.

Don't Try to be Funny

Avoid the common pitfall of trying to be funny. Instead of making your reader laugh, you’ll make your reader cringe from second-hand embarrassment. And what a slow, painful death that is.

Don’t try to make your reader laugh. Instead, try to make yourself laugh.

If you’re not laughing at your own jokes, then no one else will. But when you make the story or scene funny to you, then you know that you made one person laugh. And one person is just the beginning.

Mind the Genre

While it's possible to add humor into just about any genre, some audiences are more accepting of humor than others. If you’re writing in a rather straight-laced genre, such as horror or thriller, humor can be a disruptive (and unwelcomed) experience. That said, humor can also add an interesting twist to a character, and create a unique perspective for the reader.

If you’re willing to take chances, go for it! The worst that can happen is that people simply don’t “get it,” but even then, you’ll still be able to use this experience as a stepping stone.

Make Fun of the Entire Genre

Are you a rebel at heart? Perhaps you’re interested in creating a comedic caricature of a particular genre. Make fun of common tropes and cliches in a way that’s inventive and respectful.

I love well-done spoofs. However, to make fun of a genre, start with a sincere love for that genre. Otherwise, your exaggerated imitation can come across as mean-spirited and demeaning to the readers who enjoy that genre. You want the audience to laugh with you, not hate you.

Know Your Reader

When writing anything, but especially humor, it’s crucial that you understand your reader. Who are they and what are their life experiences? Will they understand the joke or will it go over their heads?

For example, let’s say you’re targeting young adults. This audience can get a joke, but they may not understand a reference to the 80s (sad, but true). The same can go for an international audience that may not understand a Jamaican reference.

In order to use humor effectively, you must understand what the reader understands. If you think the line or scene won’t resonate, you’re probably right.

Use Humor for Characterization

You can use humor to reveal the personalities of your main characters.

One of the best ways to infuse your story with humor is to create a funny narrator; readers like them. Funny narrators are endearing and have an interesting way of viewing the world around them.

Whether you choose to decorate their commentary with interesting colloquialisms or biting wit, humor can add another layer of complexity to your narrator. Narrative humor is especially useful when writing from a first-person, protagonist point of view.

Use Humor to Develop the Relationship Between Reader and Narrator

In addition to using humor for characterization, you can also use it to strengthen the bond between the narrator and the readers.

The trick is to let the reader in on the joke. A narrator who makes a joke at the reader’s expense is not endearing. In fact, this type of narrator can come across as unreliable, which is not something you want to happen unintentionally. The reader needs to be able to trust the narrator and that can’t happen if the narrator misdirects the reader.

Instead, direct the humor toward your characters. Put them in funny situations. Allow them to analyze their circumstances and self-deprecate. To make your characters more sympathetic to the reader, find the universally relatable aspect in each funny situation. If you can get the reader to see themselves in the character’s situation, you’ve done your job.

Use Humor in Your Dialogue

Another great place to add humor is in your dialogue. Perhaps you’ve decided to use a distant narrator who doesn’t add much commentary but tells the story straight. Humorous dialogue works well when juxtaposed with a distant narrator. For example, when you insert funny moments into character conversations, you can do the following:

• Reveal the dynamic between characters
• Change the pace of your story
• Cut the tension
• Heighten the tension (especially if only one character is laughing)

Final Thoughts

Humor is a must-have tool. Every writer should be able to wield humor whenever necessary. Use these tips to start infusing your story with humorous elements.

Before you go, check out these related posts:

• 5 Important Characters to Have in Every Story
• The Importance of Subplots
• How to Find Your Writer's Voice

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Should You Be Funny In Your College Essay + Examples

What’s Covered:

Why are college essays important, should you be funny in your college essay, tips for adding humor to your college essays, essay examples, how to make sure your humor is effective.

College essays are an important part of your application profile. They humanize you and provide you with the opportunity to prove that you’re an interesting individual beyond your grades and test scores. 

Some ways students humanize themselves include reflecting on their values, clueing readers into their backstory, showing off their personalities, or any combination of these. 

One question that may come up with regards to showing off your personality is: can I be funny in my college essay?

Read along to hear our expert opinion on the subject and tips for writing a funny essay, the right way. You can also check out a few examples of essays that have successfully included humor to give you a good idea of what’s appropriate for your writing.

To put it simply, college essays are needed because top colleges have lots of qualified candidates and, to get accepted, you need to stand out. It is estimated that, at top schools, there are at least four academically-qualified applicants for every open spot. This means that students hoping to gain admission to top schools must supplement outstanding grades with other outstanding qualities.

Ways to make yourself stand out include extracurriculars, recommendations and interviews, and essays. At the nation’s top schools, reports tell us that these non-academic factors are weighted respectively as accounting for 30%, 10%, and 25% of your overall admissions chances. The fact that essays account for 25% of your admissions chances means that they could be your key to acceptance at your dream school.

If you are interested in the specific factors that determine how important essays are for individual candidates at individual schools, check out this post .

Essays are heavily weighted in the admissions process because they are the only place where admissions officers get to hear directly from you. An individual’s voice says a lot about them—how mature they are, how comfortable they are with their experiences, and even how likable they are. These are important factors for admissions officers who are trying to see how you would fit in on their campus!

The gist of our answer: if your personality is funny, feel free to be funny! As we’ve said, an important opportunity provided to you by the college essay is the opportunity to show your personality. Humor, if done correctly, can be an important part of that.

That said, if you are only attempting humor because you think it is what admissions officers want to hear or because you think it will help you stand out, abandon ship and find a way to shape your essay that is true to your personality. Try writing down how you view your personality or ask friends and family for adjectives that describe your personality, then show that personality through your voice. It will be more natural this way!

Some elements of personality that could define your voice, if humor isn’t for you:

• Thoughtful/reflective
• Extroverted/social
• Charismatic
• Clever/witty
• Honest/authentic
• Considerate
• Practical/rational

Additionally, if you cannot follow some basic guidelines (listed below) for how to incorporate humor into your essay, you might want to change your course.

1. Be Appropriate

First things first: be appropriate. Humor is, of course, subjective, but make sure your subject matter would be considered appropriate by absolutely anyone reading it. Think about the most traditional person you know and make sure they would be okay with it. No jokes about sex, drugs, lying, crimes, or anything inappropriate—even if the joke is “obviously” against the inappropriate thing you are mentioning.

2. Don’t Be Overly Informal

You want your essay to position you as mature and intelligent, and the way you control language is a sign of maturity and intellect. That said, lots of humor—particularly the humor of young people and internet humor—are based on informality, intentional grammatical errors, and slang. These types of humor, while arguably funny, should be excluded from college essays!

As you write, remember that you know nothing about your admissions officer. Of course, you do not know their age, race, or gender, but you also don’t know their sense of humor. The last thing you want to do is make a joke with an intentional grammatical error and be perceived as unintelligent or make a joke with slang that confuses your reader and makes them think you don’t have a firm grasp of the English language.

3. Avoid Appearing Disrespectful or Inconsiderate

Humor often involves making fun of someone or something. It is very important that you do not make fun of the wrong things! In the last example, the student made fun of themself and their failed cooking experience. That is totally acceptable.

Things that you should not make fun of:

• Other people (particularly those in positions of authority)
• Political ideas
• Religious ideas
• Anything involving ethics, morals, or values

When you make fun of others, you risk sounding cold or unsympathetic. Admissions officers want to admit candidates who are mature and understand that they can never understand the struggles of others. That means you shouldn’t make a cutting joke about your old boss or an unintelligent politician who was running for your city mayor, even if they are the villain in your anecdote.

Similarly, avoid jokes about types of people. Avoid stereotypes in your jokes. 

In general, it is hard to write a humorous essay about a controversial subject. Controversial issues are typically issues that require deep thought and conversation, so if you intend to engage with them, you should consider a more reflective approach, or consider integrating reflection with your humor.

Here is an example of a student successfully poking fun at themself with their humor, while alluding to controversy:

My teenage rebellion started at age twelve. Though not yet technically a teenager, I dedicated myself to the cause: I wore tee shirts with bands on them that made my parents cringe, shopped exclusively at stores with eyebrow-pierced employees, and met every comforting idea the world offered me with hostility. Darkness was in my soul! Happiness was a construct meant for sheep! Optimism was for fools! My cynicism was a product of a world that gave birth to the War in Afghanistan around the same time it gave birth to me, that shot and killed my peers in school, that irreversibly melted ice caps and polluted oceans and destroyed forests. 

I was angry. I fought with my parents, my peers, and strangers. It was me versus the world. 

However, there’s a fundamental flaw in perpetual antagonism: it’s exhausting. My personal relationships suffered as my cynicism turned friends and family into bad guys in my eyes. As I kept up the fight, I found myself always tired, emotionally and physically. The tipping point came one morning standing at the bathroom sink before school.

This student engages with controversial subject matter, but the humorous parts are the parts where she makes fun of herself and her beliefs— “ Darkness was in my soul! Happiness was a construct meant for sheep! Optimism was for fools!” Additionally, the student follows up their humor with reflection: “ However, there’s a fundamental flaw in perpetual antagonism: it’s exhausting. My personal relationships suffered as my cynicism turned friends and family into bad guys in my eyes.”

This student is both funny and mature, witty and reflective, and, above all, a good writer with firm control of language.

4. Don’t Force It

We have already mentioned not to force humor, but we are mentioning it again because it is very important! 

Here is an example of a student whose forced humor detracts from the point of their essay:

To say I have always remained in my comfort zone is an understatement. Did I always order chicken fingers and fries at a restaurant? Yup! Sounds like me. Did I always create a color-coded itinerary just for a day trip? Guilty as charged. Did I always carry a first-aid kit at all times? Of course! I would make even an ambulance look unprepared. And yet here I was, choosing 1,000 miles of misery from Las Vegas to Seattle despite every bone in my body telling me not to.

The sunlight blinded my eyes and a wave of nausea swept over me. Was it too late to say I forgot my calculator? It was only ten minutes in, and I was certain that the trip was going to be a disaster. I simply hoped that our pre-drive prayer was not stuck in God’s voicemail box. 

As this student attempts to characterize themself as stuck in their ways (to eventually describe how they overcame this desire for comfort), their humor feels gimmicky. They describe their preparedness in a way that comes off as inauthentic. It’s funny to imagine them carrying around a first aid kit everywhere they go, but does the reader believe it? Then, when they write “ Was it too late to say I forgot my calculator? ” they create an image of themself as that goofy, overprepared kit in a sitcom. Sitcom characters don’t feel real and the point of a college essay is to make yourself seem like a real person to admissions officers. Don’t sacrifice your essay to humor.

5. Make Sure Your Humor Is Clear

Humor is subjective, so run your essay by people—lots and lots of people—to see if they are confused, offended, or distracted. Ask people to read your essay for content and see if they mention the humor (positively or negatively), but also specifically ask people what they think about the humor. Peer feedback is always important but becomes particularly useful when attempting a humorous essay.

Essay Example #1

Prompt: Tell us an interesting or amusing story about yourself from your high school years. (350 words)

Cooking is one of those activities at which people are either extremely talented or completely inept. Personally, I’ve found that I fall right in the middle, with neither prodigal nor abhorrent talents. After all, it’s just following instructions, right? Unfortunately, one disastrous night in my kitchen has me questioning that logic.

The task was simple enough: cook a turkey stir fry. In theory, it’s an extremely simple dish. However, almost immediately, things went awry. While I was cutting onions, I absentmindedly rubbed at my eyes and smeared my mascara. (Keep this in mind; it’ll come into play later.) I then proceeded to add the raw turkey to the vegetable pot. Now, as any good chef knows, this means that either the vegetables will burn or the turkey will be raw. I am admittedly not a good chef.

After a taste test, I decided to take a page out of the Spice Girls’ book and “spice up my life”, adding some red chili paste. This was my fatal mistake. The bottle spilled everywhere. Pot, counter, floor, I mean everywhere . While trying to clean up the mess, my hands ended up covered in sauce.

Foolishly, I decided to taste my ruined meal anyway. My tongue felt like it was on fire and I sprinted to the bathroom to rinse my mouth. I looked in the mirror and, noticing the raccoon eyes formed by my mascara, grabbed a tissue. What I had neglected to realize was that chili paste had transferred to the tissue—the tissue which I was using to wipe my eyes. I don’t know if you’ve ever put chili paste anywhere near your eyes, but here’s a word of advice: don’t. Seriously, don’t .

I fumbled blindly for the sink handle, mouth still on fire, eyes burning, presumably looking like a character out of a Tim Burton film. After I rinsed my face, I sat down and stared at my bowl of still-too-spicy and probably-somewhat-raw stir fry, wondering what ancient god had decided to take their anger out on me that night, and hoping I would never incur their wrath ever again.

What the Essay Did Well

This essay is an excellent example of how to successfully execute humor. The student’s informal tone helps to bridge the gap between them and the reader, making us feel like we are sitting across the table from them and laughing along. Speaking directly to the reader in sentences like, “ Keep this in mind; it’ll come into play later, ” and “ I don’t know if you’ve ever put chili paste anywhere near your eyes, but here’s a word of advice: don’t. Seriously, don’t,”  is a great tactic to downplay the formality of the essay.

The student’s humor comes through phrases like “ Now, as any good chef knows, this means that either the vegetables will burn or the turkey will be raw. I am admittedly not a good chef.” As this student plays on the common structure of “As any good (insert profession here) knows,” then subverts expectations, they make an easy-to-understand, casual but not flippant joke.

Similarly, the sentence “ I decided to take a page out of the Spice Girls’ book ,” reads in a light-hearted, funny tone. And, importantly, even if a reader had no idea who the Spice Girls were, they would recognize this as a pop-culture joke and would not be confused or lost in any way. The phrase “ raccoon eyes”  is another humorous inclusion—even if the reader doesn’t know what it’s like to rub their eyes while wearing mascara they can picture the rings around a raccoon and imagine the spectacle.

As you can see from this essay, humor works well when you engage universal and inoffensive concepts in ways that are casual enough to be funny, but still comprehensible.

Essay Example #2

Prompt: Due to a series of clerical errors, there is exactly one typo (an extra letter, a removed letter, or an altered letter) in the name of every department at the University of Chicago. Oops! Describe your new intended major. Why are you interested in it and what courses or areas of focus within it might you want to explore? Potential options include Commuter Science, Bromance Languages and Literatures, Pundamentals: Issues and Texts, Ant History… a full list of unmodified majors ready for your editor’s eye is available here. —Inspired by Josh Kaufman, AB’18

When I shared the video of me eating fried insects in Thailand, my friends were seriously offended. Some stopped talking to me, while the rest thought I had lost my mind and recommended me the names of a few psychologists. 

A major in Gastrophysics at UChicago is not for the faint hearted. You have to have a stomach for it! I do hope I am accepted to it as it is the only University in the U.S. with this unique major. My passion for trying unique food such as fish eye has made me want to understand the complexities of how it affects our digestive system. I understand that Gastrophysics started with a big pang of food, which quickly expanded to famish. Bite years are used to measure the amount of food ingested. I look forward to asking, “How many bite years can the stomach hold?” and “How do different enzymes react with the farticles?” 

Gastrophysics truly unravels the physics of food. At UChicago I will understand the intricacies of what time to eat, how to eat and how food will be digested. Do we need to take antiparticle acid if we feel acidity is becoming a matter of concern? At what angle should the mouth be, for the best possible tasting experience? When I tried crocodile meat, I found that at a 0 degree tilt, it tasted like fish and chicken at the same time. But the same tasted more like fish at a negative angle and like chicken at a positive angle. I want to unravel these mysteries in a class by Professor Daniel Holz in gravitational gastrophysics, understanding the unseen strong and weak forces at play which attract food to our stomachs. 

I find that Gastrophysics is also important for fastronomy. I want to learn the physics of fasting. How should we fast? Hubble bubble is a good chewing gum; an appetite suppressant in case you feel pangs of hunger. I have read how the UChicago Fastronauts are stepping up to test uncharted territories. Intermittent fasting is a new method being researched, and UChicago offers the opportunity for furthering this research. Which is better: fasting for 16 hours and eating for 8, or fasting for 24 hours twice a week? It is just one of the problems that UChicago offers a chance to solve. 

I can also study the new branch it offers that uses farticle physics. It is the science of tracking farticles and how they interact with each other and chemicals in the stomach space. It could give rise to supernovae explosions, turning people into gas giants. It would also teach about the best ways to expel gas and clean the system and prevent stomach space expansion. 

I want to take Fluid dynamics 101, another important course in Gastrophysics; teaching about the importance of water and other fluids in the body, and the most important question: what happens if you try to drink superfluids? 

I hope to do interdisciplinary courses with observational gastrophysicists and work with environmental science majors to track how much methane is given by the human and animal gastrointestinal tract in the atmosphere and how much it contributes to the global climate change. I believe, with the help of courses in date science, they have been able to keep a track of how much methane is entering each day, and they found that during Dec 24-Jan 3 period, a spike in the methane and ethane levels could be seen. Accordingly, algorithms are being programmed to predict the changes all year round. I would love to use my strong mathematical background to explore these algorithms. 

These courses are specially designed by the distinguished faculty of UChicago. Doing interdisciplinary research in collaboration with biological science students to determine what aliens may eat, with fart historians to know more about the intestinal structure of medieval Italians, Japanese, Chinese, Swedish and French people to better their lives is what I look forward to. The Paris study abroad program is an immersion course into fastronomy, where I will have the opportunity to test my self-control with all the amazing French food and desserts around! 

My stomach rumbles now, so I am going out to try out new food – hopefully it will be in Chicago a few months later. 

This is a fun essay! This student’s voice is present and their goofy personality is especially evident. Not only did they change the name of their major, but this student incorporated word play throughout the essay to showcase their imagination. Phrases like “ the big pang of food ”, “ bite years ”, “ fastronauts ”, and “ farticle physics ” keep the tone lighthearted and amusing.

Incorporating this style of humor takes a lot of creativity to be able to still convey your main idea while also earning a chuckle from your readers. While some jokes are a bit more low-brow—” farticles ” or “ fart historians ” for example—they are balanced out by some that are more clever and require a bit of thinking to get the A-ha moment (referencing the Hubble telescope as “ Hubble bubble chewing gum “). You might not feel comfortable including less sophisticated jokes in your essay at all, but if you do want to go down that path, having more intellectual sources of humor is important to provide balance.

Another positive of the essay is the continued thread of humor throughout. Sometimes humor is used as a tool in the introduction and abandoned in favor of practical information about the student. This essay manages to tell us about the student and their interests without sacrificing the laugh factor. Weaving humor throughout the essay like this makes the humor feel more genuine and helps us better understand this student’s personality.  

Essay Example #3

Prompt:   Describe a topic, idea, or concept you find so engaging that it makes you lose all track of time. Why does it captivate you? What or who do you turn to when you want to learn more? (650 words)

Scalding hot water cascades over me, crashing to the ground in a familiar, soothing rhythm. Steam rises to the ceiling as dried sweat and soap suds swirl down the drain. The water hisses as it hits my skin, far above the safe temperature for a shower. The pressure is perfect on my tired muscles, easing the aches and bruises from a rough bout of sparring and the tension from a long, stressful day. The noise from my overactive mind dies away, fading into music, lyrics floating through my head. Black streaks stripe the inside of my left arm, remnants of the penned reminders of homework, money owed and forms due. 

It lacks the same dynamism and controlled intensity of sparring on the mat at taekwondo or the warm tenderness of a tight hug from my father, but it’s still a cocoon of safety as the water washes away the day’s burdens. As long as the hot water is running, the rest of the world ceases to exist, shrinking to me, myself and I. The shower curtain closes me off from the hectic world spinning around me. 

Much like the baths of Blanche DuBois, my hot showers are a means of cleansing and purifying (though I’m mostly just ridding myself of the germs from children at work sneezing on me). In the midst of a hot shower, there is no impending exam to study for, no newspaper deadline to meet, no paycheck to deposit. It is simply complete and utter peace, a safe haven. The steam clears my mind even as it clouds my mirror. 

Creativity thrives in the tub, breathing life into tales of dragons and warrior princesses that evolve only in my head, never making their way to paper but appeasing the childlike dreamer and wannabe author in me all the same. That one calculus problem that has seemed unsolvable since second period clicks into place as I realize the obvious solution. The perfect concluding sentence to my literary analysis essay writes itself (causing me to abruptly end my shower in a mad dash to the computer before I forget it entirely).  

Ever since I was old enough to start taking showers unaided, I began hogging all the hot water in the house, a source of great frustration to my parents. Many of my early showers were rudely cut short by an unholy banging on the bathroom door and an order to “stop wasting water and come eat dinner before it gets cold.” After a decade of trudging up the stairs every evening to put an end to my water-wasting, my parents finally gave in, leaving me to my (expensive) showers. I imagine someday, when paying the water bill is in my hands, my showers will be shorter, but today is not that day (nor, hopefully, will the next four years be that day). 

Showers are better than any ibuprofen, the perfect panacea for life’s daily ailments. Headaches magically disappear as long as the water runs, though they typically return in full force afterward. The runny nose and itchy eyes courtesy of summertime allergies recede. Showers alleviate even the stomachache from a guacamole-induced lack of self-control. 

Honestly though, the best part about a hot shower is neither its medicinal abilities nor its blissful temporary isolation or even the heavenly warmth seeped deep into my bones. The best part is that these little moments of pure, uninhibited contentedness are a daily occurrence. No matter how stressful the day, showers ensure I always have something to look forward to. They are small moments, true, but important nonetheless, because it is the little things in life that matter; the big moments are too rare, too fleeting to make anyone truly happy. Wherever I am in the world, whatever fate chooses to throw at me, I know I can always find my peace at the end of the day behind the shower curtain.

While the humor in this essay isn’t as direct as the others, the subtle inclusion of little phrases in parentheses throughout the essay bring some comedy without feeling overbearing. 

The contrast of elegant and posh Blanche DuBois and “ germs from children at work sneezing on me ” paints an ironic picture that you can’t help but laugh at. The ability to describe universal experiences also brings a level of humor to the essay. For example, the reader might laugh at the line, “ abruptly end my shower in a mad dash to the computer before I forget it entirely,”  because it brings to mind moments when they have done the same.

This student also achieves a humorous tone by poking fun at themselves. Admitting that they were “ hogging all the hot water, ” leading to “ (expensive) showers, ” as well as describing their stomachache as a “ guacamole-induced lack of self-control, ” keeps the tone casual and easy-going. Everybody has their flaws, and in this case long showers and guacamole are the downfall of this student.

While the tips and tricks we’ve given you will be extremely helpful when writing, it’s often not that simple. Feedback is ultimately any writer’s best source of improvement—especially when it comes to an element like humor which, naturally, can be hit-or-miss! 

To get your college essay edited for free, use our Peer Review Essay Tool . With this tool, other students can tell you if your humor is effective/appropriate and help you improve your essay so that you can have the best chances of admission to your dream schools.

If you want a college admissions expert to review your essay, advisors on CollegeVine have helped students refine their writing and submit successful applications to top schools. Find the right advisor for you to improve your chances of getting into your dream school!

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Comedic Essays: Funny writing from Clean Comic Shaun Eli

103 hilarious and serious essays. some of these are funny, and some are serious. if you can’t tell the difference then i’m not doing my job., to the editor of money magazine.

I was dismayed to discover that your list of the fifty best jobs didn’t include any in entertainment (and only one that was on the creative side– creative director). I’m a stand-up comedian and I wouldn’t trade my job for any other (not even for my high school job– working at an ice cream parlor with unlimited on-the-job eating). While there are aspects of my profession that an audience doesn’t see (marketing– working to get booked, for example) there’s nothing like getting paid to brighten people’s days.

Sure, not everybody can do my job (it takes talent as a writer and performer, plus years of practice) but neither can anybody just get into medical school, pass the bar exam or become an engineer.

Making a list of the best jobs but leaving out the creative ones is like having a list of the best places to live but excluding all the coastal states. But then I notice that “Magazine Editor” didn’t make the list either– maybe you’re just not that happy. Not a problem… I know just what you need… come to a show!

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posted on 2/8/08

For every person about whom you think “He’s awful, why is he getting opportunities that I’m not getting?” there’s someone else saying the same thing about you.

Comics, if you’re gonna eat it* on stage, try not to do it when the waitresses are in the room.

This is especially true for the waitress you have a crush on.

This is possibly even more importantly true if one of the waitresses is dating the booker.

Try not to have a crush on the waitress dating the booker.

If you can’t help it, try even harder not to mention the crush to anyone.

Don’t assume that the writer of this piece has a crush on a waitress, or that any particular booker is dating someone working at the club.

Don’t even assume that comedy clubs HAVE waitresses.

* comedy slang for having a terrible show

How to Audition

posted on 1/30/08

People have been asking me about auditioning for Last Comic Standing, so here’s what I know.

I was the first NY comic to audition for Last Comic Standing II. And I was way not ready– very new in stand-up. While waiting to go on stage I thought of an addition to strengthen my opening joke, an addition I still use. And I promptly forgot about it when I nervously stepped on stage. The judges Bob Read and Ross Mark, who book The Tonight Show, were very nice to me; I didn’t realize how nice until I watched the show and saw how they treated some other auditioners. I made them laugh a few times which isn’t as easy as it sounds at 10 AM (7 AM on the L.A. time they were living on) in front of people who watch comics for a living. And as I sat next to them at the call-backs I saw them sit through many comics without laughing much at all.

They asked me if I were nervous because I was performing for only two people. I said “No, I’ve performed for audiences half this size” which got a laugh. Two, actually.

One thing I noticed at the LCS II call-back show is how tight most of the sets were. That is, instead of getting a story started, then set-up, set-up, punchline, the comics who did well had almost every single sentence get a laugh. A punchline would also set-up the next sentence and it would flow from there. So a three minute set would have well more than fifteen laugh lines. It was a great show to watch as well as educational and inspiring. And quite humbling for a new comic.

AND– they weren’t just looking for comics– they were casting a reality show– so the comics not only had to be funny, they had to reveal who they were. And that’s not easy to do in three minutes and still fit in fifteen to twenty punchlines.

First of all, realize that a comic may get only two or three sentences– if the first set-up is too long, or the first joke doesn’t hit– you may not get a chance to continue. So put the shortest, strongest jokes up front.

Secondly, have to have at least something that not only says “Laugh at this, it’s funny” and “I know what I’m doing and I’m ready for prime-time TV” but also says This is who you are and what you’re like and why you should be allowed to continue.

Thirdly, one does not want to end up on the blooper reel– where they show comics looking ridiculous. (well, some people want to be on TV so badly they don’t care, or they don’t realize they’re being made fun of– and if on a network TV show they show you for eight seconds and had to bleep you six times, or they followed your attempt at a joke with a shot of the judges’ blank stares, yes, they’re making fun of you).

So to avoid ending up on the blooper reel I have gone through my jokes one sentence at a time to eliminate anything that might not sound good out of context. Specifically one joke has a punchline that works well with the set-up but the punchline alone sounds creepy. Cross out that joke.

Then it’s Avoid any joke that is on a common theme. For example, I may have the greatest “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” joke (I don’t; but I do have a decent, original one that fits my persona) but I’m sure that as the two hundredth auditioner they will have heard jokes that start with “What happens in Vegas…” ten times already, and number eleven isn’t going to thrill them. Same with references to penises, breasts, TV commercials, the TV shows that the NY auditioners are/were on (“Law & Order” and “The Sopranos”), X is different from Y (NY/California, men/women, black people/white people, etc.), contrasting ethnic backgrounds especially if they rely on offensive ethnic stereotypes (I’m half black and half Jewish so I’m really good at raising my own bail money, kind of jokes, and yes, I realize that half of that comment is more offensive than the other half but that’s what first came to mind as I type this– I’m not that good at writing offensive jokes)…

Then I cut out any sentence that’s unnecessary. A bunch of blogs ago I questioned whether it’s better to have a three sentence joke that gets 80% laughter or a two sentence version that gets 60% laughter. And while I still don’t have the answer for audiences, for auditioning I go with two sentences and 60%.

Then I get on stage as much as I possibly can in the next week and a half to practice my two minute audition set plus my four minute call-back set.

Then I show up at the audition and I hope that I have the set of my life. Twice in a row.

Knock ’em dead, everybody that’s trying. I want all of us to rock. Good stand-up raises it up for everybody. And good stand-up on TV gets more people to come see our shows. And I want NY comics to dominate as we should– after all, NYC is the center of stand-up comedy.

A Few Good Men & a Few Others

posted on 1/5/08

My mother sent me the link to a study reporting that drinking low-fat or non-fat milk may lead to cancer.

Thanks, mom. I read the same newspapers you do, and then some. You know what causes cancer? Not dying of something else first. Sure, some things are known carcinogens: Smoking. Having a job wrapping asbestos around pipes. Frequent sex with (insert someone’s name here).

So. An early study claims ~ … Unless the study reported something like “We fed low-fat milk to forty subjects, and thirty seven of them burst into flames” I’ll think I’ll wait until the outcome is replicated in further studies.

I didn’t get a chance to read the study or to submit it to my panel of experts. But perhaps it’s what they were drinking milk instead of that’s the problem. Maybe they were drinking low-fat milk in place of wine. Or beer. Or Erbitux. And maybe, just maybe, the people who drink regular milk are mixing it with their Kahlua or Baileys and that, too, knocks down some cancer.

To whichever idioticalite at the Clinton campaign who thought it was a good idea to load six buses full of supporters on a narrow sidewalk right outside of Grand Central Terminal at 5 PM on a Friday: Get a clue. The sidewalk is only two people wide there– don’t pick a street leading to one of the busiest train stations in the country. Three blocks up or one block over would’ve worked much better. Or at least you could’ve had them line up single-file.

Hillary, you ought to know better. You claim to be a New Yorker– you’ve ‘lived’ here over a decade. And you’re FROM Chicago. I expect this behavior from someone who grew up in one of the forty six states without people. But you? I know, you don’t spend a lot of time walking by yourself around Manhattan. You’re driven by Secret Service agents and followed by your posse, or whatever non-rappers call hangers-on.

If you plan to run the country like you are running this part of your campaign then I’m voting for someone else. It’s the little things that piss people off.

I get it. It’s not your fault. You don’t dictate the logistics of loading buses to New Hampshire. You leave that to lower-ranked people twelve levels down from you.

Oh, you say, why would how some idiotical lower-level person in a campaign affect how she’d run the country as president? That lower-level person isn’t going to become Secretary of State or be appointed to the Supreme Court.

Well, baby Einstein, maybe not. But that lower-level person is going to be offered a job as a mid-level bureaucrat in the Clinton (Mrs.) Administration. And while you think that it’s the Supreme Court and the Cabinet that matter, think of where the decisions are made. There are over six hundred federal District Court judges who each try one case at a time. There are fewer Appeals Court judges and they seem to work in threes. And the nine justices of the Supreme Court? They hear cases together– it’s ONE court. So as a group which do you think has more power?

That lower-level person is going to clog something in the system. Something way more important than the sidewalk at rush-hour on a Friday.

A long time ago I volunteered to work on a presidential campaign. The weekend before Election Day they sent me to hand out campaign literature. My instructions? “Your corner is 86th and Lex. Get to work.”

Yes, baby E, you’d think that someone with a college degree doesn’t need to be told how to hand out flyers. You’d be wrong. Why? Because another guy was given the same intersection and he stood across the street from me at the top of a subway entrance. And what he did was to shove a flyer into people’s faces and say “Snarf Garftarf* for President.” After a few minutes I, the novice campaigner, took him aside and said “Look. This is New York. You shove a flyer in people’s faces, all you’re doing is annoying them. You want them to read this propaganda, not crumple it up and throw it at me when they get across the street. Here’s what you do. Engage them. Ask politely if they’re voting on Tuesday. And then ask for whom. If they say Snarf Garftarf, thank them, tell them they’ve made an excellent choice. If they say the other guy, ask them to read the flyer, maybe you’ll change their mind. If they say they haven’t made up their mind, THESE ARE YOUR PEOPLE. And if they say they’re not voting, ask why, and maybe you can convince them that they CAN make a difference.”

Although, it turns out, the most frequent reason people told me they weren’t going to vote? That they’re illegal. Not “Sorry, I’m not a citizen” or “I’m just visiting your country” or “I have a Green Card.” “I’m illegal.” Not only common at 86th & Lex, but readily admitted. I had no idea. Immigration should volunteer for a presidential campaign, they could probably knock the twelve million illegal immigrants down by a few million. Just here in NYC.

And it turns out, when you shove a piece of paper in people’s faces, nobody takes them. Ask them a polite question, they may stick around. We were the first group to run out of flyers. Which means that all the other teams were as ignorant as my co-hort across the street…

Which may explain why the Garftarf Administration didn’t accomplish much in all its years in office.

And now, with the jokes, comes the whining.

Today, for about the eightieth time this year, someone told me what to do.

Now, if the “You should” is followed by “get off my foot” or “not vote for Ron Paul” that’s good advice.

But if your “You should” is followed by your telling me how to manage my career, and you’re not an entertainment lawyer, or an intellectual property lawyer, or a manager of comedians, or an agent, or writer, or comedian, or club owner, or club manager, or comedy club waitress (comedians who are smart or at least paying attention learn that comedy club waitresses see a LOT of comedians and a LOT of audiences and overhear managers and owners, and know quite a bit about making or screwing up a career), or television executive, or comedy writer, or my mother, then please just shut up.

My mother has the right to tell me what to do. She’s earned it. It doesn’t mean I have to listen to her. But she can say whatever she wants.

Even if it’s “Get on ‘The Tonight Show’ and stop drinking so much low-fat milk, it’s no good for you.” (Nice call-back, huh?)

Because probably, just probably, though for some reason you THINK you know something about the entertainment business, well, you don’t.

That’s why you’re my dentist, not host of “The Tonight Show.”

Saying “You need a good agent” or “You should get on that TV show, what’s it called, ‘Last Comedy Standup'” or “Why don’t you call ‘The Tonight Show’ or HBO and ask if they’ll put you on TV” or “You should create a funny sit-com” clearly demonstrates that you DON’T know how this business works.

I don’t know what compels people to think they know how to write a TV show just because they spend seven hours a day on the couch (or DESPITE the fact that they spend seven hours a day on the couch), or that they know how comedians get ‘discovered’ (hint: we don’t GET discovered. We WORK, and WORK MORE, work HARD, and ACHIEVE success– we don’t just show up once in a while and hope someone ‘finds’ us–- just like any other career- have you ever heard of an oncologist getting ‘discovered?’) but really, doctor, I don’t say things like “You know what you should do? You should figure out what cures cancer and patent it and sell it.” (hint– you want to know what cures cancer? Anti-low-fat milk pills– invent some of those)

Okay, first of all, EVERY comic wants to be on “The Tonight Show”– even Jay Leno is trying to figure out a way to stay on the show past when his contract expires. You don’t just call up Bob and Ross (they’re the guys who book the comics for the show– and if you didn’t know this then maybe, just maybe, you’re not in a position to give career advice to a comedian) and say “Hey guys, I’m ready, what nights are free?” After at least ten years, IF you’re a comedy GENIUS (in the category of comedy genius to get on the show after ONLY around ten years of hard, hard work-– Ellen DeGeneres, Jerry Seinfeld, Steven Wright; sorry, probably not me but ask me when I’m ten years in) MAYBE, just MAYBE, you get a SHOT AT IT.

And you don’t just write a sit-com. Nobody in TV takes a sit-com idea from a new guy. What you do is, you write a spec script for a TV show (that means a script for an existing show, on speculation, because nobody’s paying you for it and nobody will ever buy it). Then you get someone (agent, manager, hot chick that producer wants to bang, blackmailer that has video of said producer and hot chick caught in the act, and the ‘hot chick’ is really a man) to show it to someone at A DIFFERENT show. He says “Gee, it doesn’t totally suck.” It proves maybe, just maybe, you can write for someone else’s characters. Eventually you get a job writing for a show. You write. You get stuff on the air. You prove you can continue to produce under pressure. To write under deadline. To Not Suck.

Then, maybe then, someone will look at your new sit-com idea.

And if it beats the one-in-a-thousand odds, it gets picked up.

Yeah, roughly a thousand-to-one. That’s why the word ‘maybe’ appears fourteen times in this essay.

Or, if you’re really, really talented, and really lucky, you go the Aaron Sorkin route. You work your ass off writing during the day while tending bar at a Broadway theatre at night. Your third produced play gets to Broadway. It’s a hit. You write the screenplay. THAT’S a hit too (“A Few Good Men” as if you didn’t know).

Oh, it might help if mommy or daddy’s a top entertainment lawyer or otherwise already in the entertainment business.

Not a dentist.

But please, unless you ARE Aaron Sorkin, or Jerry Seinfeld, or Jay Leno, or one of their agents, attorneys or managers, how about you finish looking at my teeth or whatever you’re supposed to be doing, and let me manage my own career. It’s going rather well, I must say.

It must be since I flew to the dentist in a new glass cockpit Cirrus SR22 Turbo GTS.

My dentist drives a Saab.

And if you ARE Aaron Sorkin, I’m not going to ask you to read my screenplay (that would be crass) but if you don’t buy me the beer you’ve owed me since 1988 then I’m going to remind you that I stole three bases in one game against your team when we were kids.

* His name wasn’t Snarf Garftarf, but wouldn’t that be a cool name for a president? I’m keeping his name secret (but a family member of his is mentioned in this article and I’m pretty sure nobody named Erbitux is running for president this year)

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How NOT to get booked

posted on 1/1/08

As I look back on last year, and having finally managed to clean off my desk, I wanted to let people who feel not-as-good-about-themselves-as-they-ought-to, to have a reason to think that they’re doing most things right. Because a lot of your competition isn’t.

I produce a comedy show- Ivy Standup sm – it’s not “The Tonight Show” but it’s a pro show at one of NYC’s A clubs as well as a few select places outside NYC.

I get frequent requests from comics to appear in the show.

And for the most part they make my decision pretty easy.

If you’ve ever written a book and looked for a literary agent you know that their slush pile is so big that they’re simply looking for a reason to say no. Spelling errors, wrong genre, not following their submission guidelines… all make it easier for them to toss you aside and get closer to the bottom of the pile with no guilt.

All of us comics want to think you have to be smart to be a comedian. We want to think that. And while I’m sure that some very good comedians are bad spellers it’s certainly not what we want to see. Especially if the show you’re asking to be in is the Ivy League show.

And especially since if you’re emailing us– you have a computer that has a built-in spell-check. USE IT!

I’m not sure how well the grammar-check feature works since I stopped using it a long time ago but if you’re not sure of the difference between to, too and two, you might try it. Or ask someone to proof-read for you.

Secondly, if you send me a video (or a link to a video on the web) please, Please, PLEASE make sure I can watch it without throwing up. I got one video that was so hard to watch… well, let me give you some background. I’m a licensed pilot. Instrument-rated. I’ve trained for a commercial pilot’s license. I’ve done aerobatics. Steep turns. Side slips. Power-on stalls. Spins. Flown upside-down until the instructor said “Enough. Right the plane.”

All this to say I don’t easily get motion-sick.

The best way to describe this one video? It had to have been shot by an epileptic, having a seizure, while drunk, in a tornado, during an earthquake, while sitting on top of a bowl of jell-o.

While being beaten with a Louisville Slugger.

And tickled at the same time.

Seriously, I couldn’t watch it because I was getting motion-sick.

I got another video that started with a wide shot of the stage before zooming in, so I knew it was a big room. I couldn’t see how many people were in the room, and by the sound I figured there weren’t many people there. The comic didn’t get many laughs, and barely any applause. Which is okay– I was considering hiring the comic, not the audience.

But the tape he sent me wasn’t just of him. He included the end of the performer before him, and a bit of the intro of the person following him.

And they got great applause. Which he didn’t. It’s one thing to send in a tape with a quiet audience. It’s another thing to send in a tape that shows that the audience just wasn’t that into you.

If you don’t have a quality video to send, one that is a good representation of how good you are, and is watchable, just wait to send something.

It’s much better than sending something that just sucks.

SUCKS gets remembered. Your career can wait. And my show just isn’t that important. It’s not going to make your career. And if it could? Would you send a crappy tape to “The Tonight Show?”

Yes, we too know how hard it is to get a quality tape. Shows with good sound recording are few and far between– if the audience isn’t miked then it could sound like nobody’s laughing. So you have to work hard to get into a show with good recording.

Pay your friends to fill the club, beg, promise to wash someone’s car. Whatever it takes to get on a show that will get you a good tape.

One in a club, not shot in your basement.

If your mother yells that dinner’s ready, we know it’s not in a club, and that you still live with your mother.

And if a waitress drops a tray of drinks during your set, or a drunk interrupts, or the emcee makes fun of you in his introduction, or the mike cuts out, or you screw up a couple of jokes, or something else goes wrong so that the tape isn’t great?

Pay other friends, wash a herd of cattle, hire a videographer yourself, whatever it takes.

Just don’t send a tape that makes you look like an idiot.

And if you have a good tape and the booker still says no? Don’t write back to say “I’m funnier than you are.” Even if you’re sure you are.

Because I’m not giving up my spot in the show. It’s MY SHOW. Funnier than I am? That’s a given. Otherwise I’ll simply give myself a longer set. I LIKE being on stage. I can fill the time; I have plenty of material.

The question is: Are you funnier than other people in the show? Because if not, why would I bump them for you?

I already know they’re reliable, they’re funny, I’ve worked with them before. They show up. They don’t question my judgment. They can probably spell.

And to be clear, even for those who’ve sent me awful tapes I’ve tried to be constructive and positive, despite it going against my nature (I’m a native New Yorker). So when I write back to say “Thanks for submitting. I can’t use you right now– but feel free to write back in another year– and to be clear, I HAVE put people in the show long after their first query” please don’t argue.

Because while I do give try to give people another shot, I don’t give arguers another shot. Nobody wants to work with a pain-in-the-drain.

A story– a long time ago I tried out for a sports team. It was the U.S. National Dragon Boat team. Yeah, not exactly the highest sport in the U.S. but it was a team representing our country in the World Championship. And in China, where the sport originated, it IS a big sport. It’s like football to them. In fact it is the second most popular sport in the world, China being a fifth of the world’s population. It’s also the oldest continually raced sport around, at almost 2500 years old.

I was living in NY. The practices were in Philadelphia. Five days a week. I came to the team late, and everybody else trying out had dragon-boated before– almost all were on the team the year before, and were active, competitive kayakers or canoeists. I was a rower, quite good but rowing is a different range of motion from dragon-boating.

One day the coach took me aside. Told me he didn’t think I was going to make the team. That he wouldn’t ordinarily say anything, but as I was commuting 2+ hours a day, each way, just the commute alone almost a full-time job, he felt it his obligation to let me know. But that I was welcome to try again the next year, and to stop by if I were in Philadelphia again.

The next night I showed up at practice. He asked why. I said “Pete, I appreciate what you told me last night. It was the right thing to do. And with that knowledge you know that I can’t complain if I don’t make the team. But it’s still my choice to keep trying, and that’s what I’m gonna do, until the selection process is finished and you’ve chosen the team.”

And he understood.

And when it came time to select the team, and he had us race against each other, I won every race, and made the team.

I didn’t just win my races, I trounced people.

I’m sure that if I’d said anything the night he suggested I go home and not come back, other than “Thanks for talking to me,” I probably wouldn’t have gotten the chance to even race for my spot. But I appreciated what he told me, and I didn’t argue.

We made the finals in Hong Kong, beating every other Western boat. Even though we sank in the heats and semi-finals and some of us caught stomach bugs because Hong Kong Harbor is filthy.

To be clear, do not ever swim in Hong Kong Harbor.

If your plane crashes in Hong Kong Harbor and you manage to escape from the wreckage, you might not be one of the lucky ones.

Just saying.

The point is, don’t argue. Just get so good that you’re chosen for the team. TROUNCE everyone else and nobody can question whether you belong there.

Dan Naturman has been in several of my shows. He’s really, really funny, and he’s good to work with. People still ask me if he’ll be in the next show. If he weren’t a nice guy I’d still put him in the show, because he’s a great comic and my job is to put on the best show I can. Within reason. But most others? If they were jerks I’d never have them back. I’d find someone else for their spots.

Dan’s good enough to be a prick and still get booked.

You’re probably not.

To be clear– I like Dan on and off the stage. Don’t misquote me. And he regularly trounces. That’s his job. We all try. He succeeds.

But for you to get booked– have a good tape. AND be nice. And if you’re trying out for a clean, smart show, try to have a tape that’s at least somewhat clean. Not one full of Monica Lewinsky jokes. That’s not only not what I’m looking for, it’s a decade out of date. If I tell you I want “Smart and clean– what’s right for people entertaining clients” and your set opens with “Where my pot smokers at?” I will probably continue watching, but I may not watch the full ten minutes.

I’d rather spend the next nine minutes trying to catch up to Dan.

If you want us to bring Ivy Standup sm to your city, here’s a good way to do it– ASK.

Overheard Today in the Post Office

Posted on 12/24/2007

Clerk:  I hope Santa’s bringing you something nice this year. Adult Patron:  Santa won’t be visiting my house any time soon. Clerk:  Why not?  Are you Jewish or Moslem? Adult Patron:  No, I’m an asshole.

“Go To The Mirror, Boy!”

Posted on 11/29/2007

Greetings from Lost Angeles, land of 3 AM traffic jams, metered on-ramps and billboards advertising breast augmentation operations ($2999, if you’re interested; I assume that means for both).  Yes, I know, doctors prefer to call it a “procedure” but technically speaking I think the correct word is “installation.”

Just like when you’re hanging art on the wall.

It took over an hour on the freeway before I spotted a woman driving an SUV who was NOT speaking on a cell phone.  Then I saw her bumper-sticker: “Support Deaf Education.”  I guess that explains it.  Here they don’t just number the highways, they’re very specific that THEIR highways in California are the ONLY highways.  In NYC I often drive on 87.  Here it’s THE 405.

Unless you’re Russian, in which case it’s just 405.

Or you’re Paris Hilton, in which case it’s “Oh, like, I’m not really good in math but I want to go over there.”

Had an uneventful flight, courtesy of just enough frequent flier miles to sit in Business Class.  Where I get a reminder of just how snobby I might be about some things.  Right after take-off they offered drinks (at noon, otherwise known as 9 AM California time), including Champagne.  I love Champagne, and asked what brand it was.  The flight attendant said she’d check but in the meantime she handed me a glass.

It tasted like a penny dissolved in kerosene.  There are a lot of great American wines but nobody’s caught up to the French when it comes to sparkling wine. Say what you want about their lack of military prowess, but they know how to make beverages.  And when you come right down to it, which is more important, anyway?  Yeah, English-speaking countries did bail them out of two world wars, but if it weren’t for the French 230 years ago we’d still be calling soccer “football” and naming our children Nigel.  And doesn’t the world already have enough Nigels?

This time I remembered to bring some CDs to listen to in the car so I’m not limited to news radio or that nutty Dr. Laura.  Whose doctorate, by the way, is not in psychology.  I’m pretty sure it’s in animal husbandry.  My rental Corolla is a cute white car but the sound system doesn’t do justice to the opera I brought.  The Who’s “Tommy” in case you didn’t catch the “Go To The Mirror, Boy!” reference as the title of this blog.  Anyway I think it’s very Californian of me to notice how the car stereo sounds before I say anything about the weather.

My headlining gig was cancelled (nothing to do with me) but the producer said he’d try to find me something else since he heard good things about me. I wonder whom he asked since I never provided him with any references.  Somebody’s due a bottle of Champagne (the French kind, not what American serves in Business Class) but I don’t know who.  Anyway I have a bunch of other performances scheduled and the weather’s nice here despite the ongoing fear of returning wildfires.  Wind gusts of 18 miles per hour are major news here but maybe it’s nothing to do with fires, just warnings about bad hair days.

Monsters at my Door, a tale of 10/31

If you’re too young to stand up or old enough to drive to the store on your own to buy candy, I don’t mind that you’re with your family at my door.  I even encourage it.  But you shouldn’t be trick-or-treating.  If you’re carrying a 1 year old I know that it’s not your child eating the candy.  If you tell me that I’m wrong then I’m calling the Administration for Children’s Services.

If someone comes to your door looking scary I suggest you make sure they’re in costume.  Otherwise you risk offending a very scary-looking person.

And her husband?  Even scarier.

A kid came to my door tonight in full Home Depot gear.  And by that I don’t mean dressed as a sales associate.  Clearly he was a NASCAR driver.  I understand why NASCAR vehicles have advertising on them.  But your children?  Fine with me. I’m a Home Depot stockholder.  They’re not my kids.  Thank your sponsor for the tiny dividends.

A few years ago I came back from France just before Halloween.  I bought a lot of my favorite chocolate when I was there (Lindt Madagascar– milk chocolate with bits of cocoa beans, like a very, very good Nestles Crunch bar).  That wasn’t what I was giving out, not at $2 a bar for a product unavailable in the U.S.

At 9:45 PM on Halloween I was about to turn off my outside light– the universal signal for “It’s late, go home, you’re too old to be trick-or-treating anyway”– just as the doorbell rang.  I had about ten bars of Halloween candy left, so I figured I’d get rid of most of it and be done with Halloween for this year.

I opened the door and there were 30 kids outside.

The smart thing to do would’ve been to say “Sorry, I have only ten bars left, send the littlest kids forward…” but I didn’t think of it.  And the Lindt was on my dining room table right near the front door.  So 20 kids got really, really good candy.

The next year five thousand eight hundred kids came to my door.

From every country but France and Madagascar.

They all got Nestles Crunch bars.

I remember being annoyed at people who weren’t home on Halloween.  One day a year is all anybody asked.  We didn’t care if they were away on Christmas, New Years, Thanksgiving, the Fourth of July or my birthday.  Just when we rang the bell on 10/31.

So I vowed to be home every Halloween.

Even if Home Depot and Grandparents are asking for candy.  Even if a one year old gets taken away by ACS.

Nowadays kids seem to have Halloween all figured out.  When I was a kid you got together with a few friends and went door-to-door.  These days kids are much more efficient.  They come to the door and the first kid to get candy rushes to the next house.  So that by the time you’re finished giving out candy most of the kids are gone.

Eliminating the biggest impediment to gathering as much candy as possible– waiting for the people to answer the door.  Now when the kid gets to the door it’s already open.

Saving the kids time.  And yielding more candy for each kid over the course of a limited evening.  While the homeowner pretty much can’t leave the doorway because so many kids are coming.

I blame the Bush administration.

Their “The First MBA President” idea, combined with trickle-down operations management, means more kids at my door each year.

Kid, if you can’t interrupt your cell phone conversation to say “Trick or treat” then you’re WAY too important to be going door-to-door for candy.

By the way, it’s really hard to prepare a whole chicken when the doorbell keeps ringing and I’m by myself.  I think my parents are right– it’s time I got married.

To someone who likes answering the door.  Or washing my hands.

Or at least visits France frequently and brings home good chocolate just for me.

And if that doesn’t happen… if your 14 year old daughter comes to my door dressed as Marilyn Monroe, please send her back when she’s 18.  If I’m still single: she can have the Lindt.

As long as she’s not carrying a 1 year old.

From The Joey Reynolds Show

Due to the good graces of way too many people to name I appear from time to time on the nationally-syndicated Joey Reynolds radio show.

Two months ago it was Joey’s birthday and many of his friends stopped in during the show, which is live starting at midnight (it goes national at 1 AM).

During a commercial break The Amazing Kreskin walked into the studio. Think that guys like Kreskin travel with an entourage? Not when they’re 70.

People there knew him and someone asked how he got home from a recent gig. His response? Something like “It was awful, I got lost in Jersey and it took me hours to get home.”

Not so amazing, huh Kreskin? You claim to find lost objects and people but you can’t seem to find your own house?

Then later, in what passes for the green room at a radio station, Kreskin put down his bag, walked past the food, then said “Where’s my bag? I just put it down three minutes ago…”

The Amazing Kreskin, the great mentalist, mind-reader extraordinaire… couldn’t even read his OWN mind. But he did look around and find his bag. I’d found the roast beef and rye bread, which to me was a far more important feat. His biography hypes his power to find hidden objects. I guess his bag wasn’t hidden– it was in plain sight so maybe that didn’t count.

But Kreskin was a very nice guy.

Or did he simply plant that idea in my mind? I guess we’ll never know.

 If Only Senator Bathroom BJ Had Read THE CONSTITUTION

Because Article 1, Section 6 clearly states:

“The Senators and Representatives shall receive a Compensation for their Services, to be ascertained by Law, and paid out of the Treasury of the United States. They shall in all Cases, except Treason, Felony and Breach of the Peace, be privileged from Arrest during their Attendance at the Session of their respective Houses, and in going to and returning from the same; and for any Speech or Debate in either House, they shall not be questioned in any other Place.”

The senator claims he was on the way to Washington, DC when he was detained by the police.  Except that if he knew his rights he could have pointed out that they weren’t allowed to detain him.

One of the few senators who is not a lawyer, Senator Craig none-the-less claims to be a defender of the Second Amendment right to bear arms… but apparently he couldn’t be bothered reading all those words that appear in the Constitution prior to the Second Amendment.

To quote Nelson Muntz of The Simpsons… Ha HA!

The Answers to Your Questions

I’ve gotten a lot of mail lately and don’t have time to answer it all individually.  Here are the answers– if you asked then you know what the question was.

Yes, even if your wife watches it still counts as gay.

Of course she says they’re real– she’d look like an idiot if she told you she paid for them and they’re still uneven.

Of course not.  If I were trying to kill him, he’d be dead.

Of course not.  If I were trying to kill her, she’d be dead.

I won’t tell anyone.  Why would I admit I know you?

No I won’t give you her phone number.  Didn’t you just spend ten minutes telling me how crazy she was?

I don’t have a sister. No, it must’ve been someone else you saw in an orange dress on Broadway last night. I look horrible in orange.

No, I don’t think I need to thank President Bush for all the material he’s given me.  It’s been more than offset by record budget deficits, increased pollution, high energy prices caused by the lack of any viable energy policy…

No, I don’t think I need to thank the Clintons for all the material they’ve given me.  It’s been more than offset by the repeal of the equal time rule, a huge decline in respect for the office of the president, the time I’ve spent stuck in traffic at Westchester County Airport when the Clintons flew in and out, high energy prices caused by the lack of any viable energy policy…

Proud to be an American?

Posted July 4, 2007

Someone recently asked if I were proud to be an American.

I don’t think that pride is the right word.   I am glad to be an American– there aren’t too many other countries that afford anywhere near the freedom and opportunity available here.

But Pride?   What have I done that has created those freedoms and opportunities?  I didn’t help draft the Constitution.   I didn’t create the Industrial Revolution.   I didn’t even help win World War II*.   America’s Greatest Generation?   Nope, I grew up in the Me Decade. Or was it the Al Franken Decade?   I forget; it was so long ago.

What HAVE I done?  Let’s see- I vote, I pay all my taxes without complaining, I don’t litter or steal or kick puppies and it’s been a long time since I killed someone.  Even though a lot of people have deserved it lately.  I’ve also been part of the capitalist system, making funds flow more efficiently so we can have factories and power plants and buildings and stores that sell really nice-smelling soap.  And money for your retirement– you might have more of that too, partially because of what I’ve done.

Occasionally I also make someone laugh.  Now if you’ll excuse me there’s someone I have to go kill.  He cheated on his taxes and kicked a puppy.

I’m so glad to live here.

*My father did and I am proud of him.

Dirty Words on TV

“All the President’s Men” was on channel 31 tonight.  In the space of less than five minutes Washington Post editor Ben Bradlee used two different four-letter curse words.

After the initial surprise of hearing the F word and the S word on over-the-air television, my next thought was:

A movie as important as “All the President’s Men” should never be censored.

As they say, No Good Deed Goes Unpunished, even on-line

A recent on-line dating exchange:

Her (initial contact): Funny and Jewish all rolled into one man..lol wow

Me: Hi.  Thanks for writing. I don’t think we’re a match, but I wish you the best of luck in your search. -S

Her: Presumptuous aren’t you ?? I don’t think we’re a match —I didn’t ask you that.  Why would you think that?

Me: Well, I thought that most of the time when people write to someone on a dating site, they’re looking for a date. I think that it’s polite to say no thank you.  Most people don’t bother writing back, choosing instead to let the other person simply twist in the wind and wonder.  I’m not like that. I came here looking for someone to love, not seeking an argument.

Her: I wasn’t looking at you for a possible match….but just curious why you say we aren’t.

Me (unsent): Because you don’t handle rejection all that well.

Ah, the Beauty of a Drunken Beauty

Last night I had two shows at Ha! Comedy Club in NYC.  The first show was well-attended for a Sunday early show.

The emcee did a passable job warming up the audience though he had a bit of trouble trying to have a conversation with a European who didn’t understand his questions (comics– if this happens to you, here’s my suggestion: Cut and run. Say thank you and move onto someone else; don’t try to keep communicating with someone who doesn’t understand you).  Danny McDermott was up next and did well with a short set, but towards the end a drunk woman in the back kept interrupting him.

I was the next comic up, and it was clear that the woman was getting drunker and drunker because not only was she interrupting more, but was getting increasingly difficult to understand.

Some clubs will rapidly throw out audience members who disturb the show.  Ha! isn’t one of those clubs.

After a few interruptions I asked her her name.  She laughed.  I said “Your name is Ha?  Then you’re in the right club.”

At one point I said “I can’t understand a word she’s saying… and something tells me I’m better off.”  All my lines to quiet her down got laughs from the rest of the audience but didn’t do much to get her to stop talking. The audience finally told her to shut up and while it took me almost a minute to finish a fifteen second closing joke, it was worth it.

On my way out of the showroom she stood up and hugged me, telling me how funny I was and how much she’s enjoying the show.  I noticed the guy at her table, ignoring her.

A few minutes later she came outside.  She was beyond breath-taking.  She said it was her one year anniversary, and she was angry at her boyfriend because he kept telling her to shut up, but she wanted to talk to the comics because that’s how it’s supposed to be.  As politely as I could I told her no, that’s not how it works.  That the emcee may ask questions at the start of the show, but after that it’s our turn to talk.  But that didn’t stop her from her touchy-feely state. The other comics were staring at her, but to me she smelled like betrayal.

Clearly she wanted attention of the male kind.  But I’m not the kind of comic who’ll have sex with an audience member in the bathroom so she can get back at her boyfriend.  Or for any other reason, for that matter.

Besides, Ha! has a secret r… oops.

I’m looking for Ms. Right.  Not Ms. Right Now.

She went outside to smoke a cigarette.  The emcee and I were standing outside the showroom when she came back.  She continued talking to us, telling us how much she loved us and how funny we were.  She was also having trouble standing up.  At one point I asked her to which side she was most likely to fall so one of us could be ready to catch her…

I didn’t want her attention but I felt it was my duty to the other comics to keep her out of the showroom for as long as possible.  Which worked until she decided to return to the showroom and headed for the wrong room.

We steered her back to the waiting room and kept her occupied until it was time for her to leave.

She was so annoying that a gay comic commented that “She makes me even GAYER, if that’s possible.”

After the show one comic gave her his business card.  I pointed out that she was the drunken one who kept interrupting the show (with the bright lights in your face on stage, it’s often difficult to recognize someone from the audience after the show).  He said he knew.  When I suggested that she probably wasn’t the kind of person he wanted coming to more of his shows, he disagreed, saying that she might not always be drunk, and she’s the kind of woman who may bring a dozen friends to the next show.  Comics– what’s your take on this?

The second show was almost sold-out, the audience was warmed-up and happy when I took the stage, and I can’t even begin to explain to non-comics how great it is to tell an opening joke and have sustained laughter for ten or fifteen seconds and have that energy continue all the way through a fifteen minute set.  The kind of show where you know that you won’t get through half your material because they’re laughing so much, and because every spontaneous riff you throw in gets laughs, and you feel like you can do no wrong.

Ah, the joys of being a performer.  And in general the pride from doing a good job dealing with a difficult situation.  I can’t wait to go back.  Even if she’s there again with eleven equally-drunk friends.  Even a difficult audience is better than no audience at all.

Random, Rainy-Day Thoughts

The Ivies vs. The Sopranos… Last night was our Ivy League Comedy Showcase sm at Gotham, probably the nicest club in the city. I had a great time hosting the show, as I always have.

Then tonight I did a ten minute set at a club that’s in the basement of a chain restaurant a few blocks north of Times Square, in front of a bunch of Soprano mobster-wannabees.  Who wouldn’t shut up for anybody, not even their friend in the show whom they came to see.

Both shows were fun in their own ways.  At the Ivy show, I said “I just heard on the way here that the head of undergraduate admissions at M.I.T. had to resign because she lied on her resume– claimed to have gone to medical school when she didn’t even go to college.  And I’ve been thinking for the last hour that there has to be a joke that’s perfect for this audience.  And I thought, and thought, and thought… then realized: HEY, M.I.T. is not IN the Ivy League!”

At tonight’s show I had to fight for the audience’s attention.  But the way to do that, in circumstances like this, is to engage the biggest trouble-makers.  The only way they’d stop talking to each other is if the comic talks to them.  I really don’t like making the show about them, it’s like rewarding bad behavior, but for the sake of the rest of the audience– if the only way to make the show fun for everybody is to joke with the noisy folks, that’s what to do.  So I did. When the mobster-lite is from Harrisburg, PA, it’s easy.

Virginia Tech jokes: The killer sent his video manifesto to NBC News, which aired it.  That’s typical. This crazy murderer gets a TV credit, and I’m stuck handing out flyers in Times Square in the rain.*

Whenever there’s a tragedy like this people take advantage of the situation to advance their own political agendas… no, I’m not talking about comedians.  The pro-gun folks say that if more people had guns someone would have returned fire and fewer people would have been killed.  A nd the anti-gun folks say that if we made guns harder to get, this would never have happened. I don’t know which side is right.  But I do know that if everybody had a gun, I would’ve shot at least four people just on the drive in tonight.

* I don’t really hand out flyers in Times Square.

The Differences Between Democrats and Republicans

Okay, it’s considered a really overdone topic in comedy– the differences between men and women, or between New York and Los Angeles.  So how about… the differences between Democrats and Republicans?

I used to say that while they may share the same goals they differ in approach.  And that the difference between a Democrat and a Republican is that when an expert proposes a solution to a social problem that involves spending money (such as “I can improve reading scores by 20% or cut poverty in half; it’ll cost a billion dollars”) the Democrat says “Wonderful.  Here’s a billion dollars, best of luck to you!”

The Republican says “Prove to me that it works, WITHOUT spending any money, then you can have the billion dollars.”

Here’s another difference: When the Democrat asks a bureaucrat to take care of something and it doesn’t get done on a timely basis, the Democrat says “Wow, I didn’t realize how busy they were– so busy that they couldn’t get to my thing as quickly as I would have hoped.”

The Republican says “Those lazy bureaucrats should be fired– clearly they’re just sitting around doing nothing instead of getting to my thing when they should have.”

Random stuff

You can’t spell “Slaughter” without “laugh.”

I got spam email today– the subject was “World Wide Lootery” which I thought contained a rather ironic spelling error.

Last week at a business lunch one of my guests was trying to hide his Blackberry below the table, so while everyone else was chatting he was busy emailing in secret.  Or so he thought until I said something.

He said it was important– it was an email from his wife.  Their son’s teacher called, said he had trouble focusing and paying attention.

Clearly due to the great example his father must set.

Notes from Saturday Night’s Party

A Polish-American friend of mine invited me to her birthday party.  She said she invited 20 Americans and 80 Polish people.

I was the American who showed up. A ll around me, conversations in Polish that didn’t switch to English when I approached, speaking English.

One of my best friends in college was Polish, so I tried the only Polish I knew. Because he taught all of us Polish drinking songs.

Somehow, entering a conversation by saying what apparently translates to “The streets will be rivers with the blood of our enemies, and at the end of the rivers of blood, the navies of our enemies will be washed away” didn’t endear me to them.

The party had entertainment.  I discovered that Polish drag queens aren’t that convincing as women.  Say what you want about America– we may not make the best cars, or the best beer, but our drag queens are second to none!  Take that, you overly masculine Polish she-men!

I started a conversation (in English, this time) with an attractive woman.  What does she do for a living?  Tax accountant.  Perfectly respectable profession.  Until… she told me, completely seriously, that after tax season she’s moving to Kenya because she’s sick of the city.  I don’t know what’s wrong with rural Rockland County, but apparently the idea of retiring in her thirties to survive for $4000/year on her savings is attractive to her.  I don’t know what she’ll do if Kenya gets more modern and the cost of living rises… but that’s not my problem. If she likes kissing giraffes (she said she did) that’s between her and Mrs. Giraffe.

The next woman I met is a fashion designer.  With no designs on moving to Africa. We spoke about fashion models.  She said that clothes look good on tall, thin women.  I said that doesn’t prove anything.  Any clothing will look good on Tyra Banks.  If she wants to prove what a great designer she is, design something that looks good on Rosie O’Donnell.

Won’t Get Fooled Again

I saw a television commercial for Chevrolet.  The ad’s theme song was “American Pie.”  For the six of you who don’t know the song, it’s about the death of Buddy Holly.  And for the four of you who don’t know who Buddy Holly was, he was one of the pioneers of rock music in the fifties, until he died in a plane crash.  He was a great inspiration for a lot of rock groups who followed, including The Beatles (in fact they chose the name “The Beatles” because Buddy Holly’s group was called “Buddy Holly and the Crickets”).

I understand that “American Pie” mentions Chevrolet in it (“Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry…”).  But the song is not about cars.  It’s about the death of an American icon.

Like General Motors?

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The Republican Club at NYU is running a game called something like “Spot the Illegal Immigrant.”  Participants compete to be the first one to spot a student wearing a sticker that says “Illegal Immigrant.”

Protesters are saying that the game is racist.

Exactly which race is illegal immigrant?  Because I’m pretty sure I’ve met illegal immigrants from six continents.

Illegal immigrants come from all ethnic groups.

Except one.

Last week the British military announced that Prince Harry’s unit would be going to Iraq.

This week the Prime Minister announced that Britain would begin to withdraw forces from Iraq, reducing its deployment.

Co-incidence?

I saw an ad on the internet for a service for shy people that said “Shy? Send your marriage proposals via email…”

Ignoring for a moment the use of the PLURAL in the ad…

Well, I guess it SHOULD be plural– why get turned down by one woman for proposing by email, when you can spam MILLIONS and hope that maybe one person clicks the wrong box?

How do you email an engagement ring?

I totally understand the honeymoon– with a little Photoshop you can easily paste your face into a porn site.

Women are Funny. Vanity Fair isn’t Funny… nor fair.

The January issue of Vanity Fair had an article entitled “Why Women Aren’t Funny.”

The article was, of course, nonsense.

The March issue published a number of letters in response, including mine.  Since the editors of Vanity Fair severely edited my letter, leaving merely an almost incomprehensible few sentences and even editing out my middle name, for those who are interested here is the original letter:

As possibly the only comedian ever to do a statistical analysis on gender differences in comedy I wish to refute some statements made in “Why Women Aren’t Funny.”  I strongly disagree with the claim that most funny women are either homosexual, large or Jewish despite the fact that one of my best friends in comedy happens to be all three.  Most female comedians in America are heterosexual, normal-sized Christians.

Your columnist asserted that there are more terrible female comedians than male comedians despite the preponderance of male comedians in the industry.  Isn’t it likely that these female comedians just don’t appeal to him so he labels them not funny?  If they’re working comics they must be making somebody laugh or they would soon be unemployed.  How often does Mr. Hitchens go to comedy clubs or open-mikes?  Because my experience has been that most of the really awful amateur comedians tend to be men.  When taking the stage, even if they don’t have great punch lines, women generally at least have a point to make.  And in my opinion most of the really bad amateurs are men who go on misogynistic tirades with nothing funny to say.

My gender analysis, done earlier this year, revealed that approximately a third of amateur comedians are female.  A smaller percentage of professional comics are women, although mathematically one can’t directly compare the two populations at one point in time because of the several years it takes to go from beginner to professional.  Women do appear more likely to take a class when starting in comedy, whereas men are more likely to just write some jokes and show up on open-mike night.  And while almost all women who attend open-mike nights seem to want to be comedians, some percentage of males who show up are just in need of attention, or medication.

Perhaps one reason that women comprise less than half of all working comics is the same reason there aren’t that many women in investment-banking– it’s a hard business, with a lot of hours and a great deal of self-sacrifice.  It’s quite difficult to start a family and be on the road forty weeks a year.  And anyway, as a male-dominated industry it’s a long, hard fight for women until the numbers start to even out over time.

What will help the numbers even out?  If people would stop publishing articles claiming that women aren’t funny.  It’s clearly not true.  What can your readers do?  They can go to comedy clubs to see female comics.  Comedy is a business; it runs on money.  Your money is your vote.  Go out and vote.

Shaun Eli Breidbart

Now I’m Customer Service and They’re the Customer

Dell called me yesterday about the computer I ordered for my father, which I’d already picked up at UPS earlier in the day.

Someone who may actually have been speaking English called to ask if the computer had arrived.  I said yes.  She then told me that I’d be receiving an email survey about the customer service she had just provided me.  I explained that SHE called ME, and that in fact I was the one helping her (I didn’t bother to ask why Dell didn’t check with UPS instead of me).  But that I didn’t particularly care to send HER a survey.

She didn’t understand.  But then she asked if there was anything ELSE she could help me with.  At which point I asked her what she had already helped me with.

She didn’t understand that either.

Sure hope the folks designing and assembling the computers are a bit smarter.

Um, not Exactly My Dream Girlfriend

“I play a push-up game with my boyfriend. We take half a deck of cards, flip them over one by one, and whatever number shows up, he does that many push-ups and I do half…”

Champion marathoner Melissa White, quoted in “Runner’s World” magazine.

I’ve played a push-up game or two with a girlfriend, and it never involved half a deck of cards. And I’ll bet it was a lot more fun for both of us.

By the way, shouldn’t the name of the magazine be “Runners’ World” instead?   I don’t think the world belongs to only one runner.

The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People

I got this book as a gift.  The cover says there are over 15 million copies in print. That’s more than 10% of the entire work force!  Do you think that 10% of the work force is highly successful?  Has the success of the work force improved much since this book was first published?

Have you been to the Gap or Home Depot lately?

I think his next book will be titled “The Seven Million Dollars of Highly Successful Self-Help Book Authors.”  By the way, the Self-Help section in my local Barnes & Noble is in the basement.  That’ll do wonders for your self-esteem.

And if you really want my critique of this book– it’s based on ‘research’ done by the author.  NOT research of highly-successful people.  No, that’d make sense. It’s based on research of OTHER self-help type books written over the past two hundred years.  Most of which were themselves not based on any research.

In college we called this “Mushing all the small bits of left-overs together and throwing it in the microwave because you’re hungry and drunk and there’s nothing else to eat.”

My violent new years resolutions

If you think that saying “My bad” after doing something stupid is an automatic excuse, I will punch you in the face then say “My too.”

If you drive recklessly while talking on a cell phone I will snatch the cell phone out of your hand and throw it in the river.

If you’re at the front of an elevator and think that it’s polite and chivalrous to step half aside and partially block the door while waiting for others to exit first, I will shove you into traffic.  Or at least out of the elevator.  Just get out of the elevator.  And don’t stand there with your hand on the door acting like you’re helping.  There’s an electric eye– the doors won’t close on anybody. It’s not 1976 anymore.

Global warming is maybe two degrees a century.  Not a lot in terms of temperature change, just a lot in terms of its impact on the environment.  If you blame much warmer than usual weather, like a sixty degree day in NYC in January, on global warming, I will shove you into a melting glacier.

If you didn’t order dessert that means you don’t get to eat dessert.  Don’t think it gives you a license to stick your fork in mine.  You had your chance to order when I did.

One more thing: “If life hands you lemons, make lemonade.”  WAKE UP!  You don’t get lemonade from lemons.  You get lemon juice.  You need sugar to make lemonade. And if you had the sugar, you probably wouldn’t be complaining about the lemons, now, would you?

Welcome to Brooklyn

Posted on 12/08/2006

In some ways it’s a rite of passage for a comedian, especially a white comedian, to play at an urban club.  As you probably know if you’ve ever watched “Showtime at the Apollo,” some audiences don’t go to be entertained.  They go to boo the performers off stage.  Maybe it’s empowering; I don’t know as I’ve never been tempted, while sitting in the audience, to make the show about me and start booing.

Comedians, at least those who have enough sense to research and ask questions, know that the best way to approach this kind of audience is to get them laughing so soon that they want to pay attention instead of taking over the show.  And every comedian with any experience knows that if there’s an elephant in the room you have to address it.  I’ve just never before been the elephant.

Wednesday night was my first spot at an urban club.  I was the first comedian up after the emcee who conversed with the audience, told some jokes, and mentioned, not joking, about a recent NYPD shooting in which white officers fired 50 rounds at black men in a car, killing one of them on the morning of his wedding.

And then he introduced me by saying “Are y’all ready for some white people?” (‘some’ being a generous term; I was the only one)

I opened by saying that I didn’t mind being the whitest guy in the room, I just hated being the oldest guy in the room.  Then mentioned that the MC talked about “…the cops who shot fifty times, and then all of you turned to look at the white guy…”

“I didn’t shoot anybody fifty times, I didn’t shoot anybody forty times, I didn’t shoot anybody. The only thing I’ve EVER shot in my life was a Diet Coke can, and Diet Coke cans are WHITE.”

The only white guy in the room made people laugh and all was good in the world.  Or at least in that one room in Brooklyn.

Maybe I should stop making fun of their country

Posted on 7/3/2006

My web host allows me to see which countries have provided my site with the most visitors.  Of course the U.S. is on top by far.  Followed by Germany. More German visitors than from Canada, the U.K., Ireland, Australia, New Zealand and South Africa COMBINED!

Germany.  So now I have something in common with David Hasselhoff, good beer, people who like to drive really fast and this year’s World Cup.

A lot of Germans speak very good English, further proof we won the war.  Now if only we could go to war with the food service industry, so the busboy would understand me when I said “No, I’m NOT finished with that.”

I’m also popular in the Czech Republic, Poland, Holland and Japan, other countries I’ve never visited.  And I’m popular with people in the U.S. military, and more popular in Malaysia than in Sweden.  More in Fiji than in Switzerland, and I’ve been to Switzerland.  If you go to Switzerland, yes, eat the chocolate.  Skip their wine.  France is nearby, drink their wine instead. I’ve never performed in either country, but I made people laugh on an Air France flight a few years ago (in French) and I’ve had fun performing a few sentences in French in American comedy clubs with Swiss people in the audience.

Even though they hadn’t brought any chocolate.

Fat Jokes and Sex Shops

I installed some software that tracks how people found my website (www.BrainChampagne.com). It tells me the keywords that people may have used in a search engine that brought them to my site.

Of course many people come to the site seeking free comedy videos, or advice on how to tell a joke (I wrote a column), or jokes on selling (I spoke about marketing comedy and some info appears on the website).

Quite a large number of people are seeking fat jokes.

Two people (yes, two) were seeking sex shops in Raritan, NJ.  No, I don’t have a link on my site– but one page does include the words Sex, Shop and Raritan (in unrelated posts).

Two people searched for Florida Gun Safety Comedy.

And two people this month typed in Standup Comedian Starbucks.  I guess when you can’t sleep, you can search.

What Goes Around, Comes Around

Posted on 6/20/2006

As the woman walking in front of me on the sidewalk rummaged through her purse, a ten dollar bill flew out and landed in front of me.  I picked it up and caught up to her.  “Excuse me, miss…”

She turned around angrily.  “Can’t you see I’m on the phone!” she shouted.  I shrugged.  There was no evidence of a phone–nothing in her hand, no wire running to her head.  She brushed her hair back to reveal a wireless earpiece.

“See!” she scowled at me before turning away and returning to her phone call.

I kept the money.

Diary of a mad joke-writer

Posted on 3/31/2006

I wrote the perfect joke last night. Could not get to sleep. Around 3 AM I thought of it. Eight words. Just eight words. That’s it. Silly yet deep on so many levels.

I’m not normally a one-liner comic. Yes, I write jokes, and I wish my humor were more story-like, more revealing of myself. But I’m decent at writing jokes, so that’s what I do. Usually set-up, set-up, punch, or set-up, set-up, punch, punch, punch.

Now the comics reading this think they know where it’s going. Jokes that are funny at 3 AM usually dissolve in the daylight. But not this one. Eight words. Followed by a tag that went even deeper and yet politicized the joke.

This morning I woke up and I was still laughing. Tired, but laughing. Remembering that I have a show tonight, and a show on Saturday night. I couldn’t wait to tell this joke on stage.

All day I thought about this joke. By 3 PM, only twelve hours after this perfect joke was born, I had a third tag– another punch line that not only capitalized on the eight words, and not only built on the next tag, but also added to the joke AND made fun of it all in just another eleven words.

Word-efficiency! I’d have them on the floor in twenty five seconds.

Now you all see where this is going.

There were sixty people in the room, sixty people who had paid to hear jokes.

I wanted to open with this joke, to shake the building until the bottles fell off the bar.

But I was seventh in the line-up. Seventh, after the two drink minimum would have broken through everyone’s blood-brain barrier. And how could I follow the perfect joke? Everything else I say would pale in comparison.

So I thought maybe open with something tried and true. No sense knocking their socks off if they couldn’t feel their feet. And I did. An opening joke about a cab driver, The Bronx and arson. I know it works.

It did. All three tags. The three-liner. Another three-liner that builds upon the previous. Then the next tag, one sentence that makes them laugh, then groan. That suckers them in so I can point out the futility, the silliness, the irony of their groans. For another laugh. I’m such a whore.

Then the perfect eight words. The joke I’ve been thinking about for sixteen and one half hours.

Followed by the perfect silence.

It was so quiet I could hear the subway. The Montreal subway, three hundred and twenty five miles away.

And then the next tag.

That woke them up.

And the next?

I felt exonerated.

Remember The Rule: Do not open or close with a new joke, no matter how funny you think it is. Because YOU are not the judge, nor the jury. You are the prosecutor. Your job is simply to present the evidence. THEY will render the verdict.

There is a reason people state these rules. Because we never know what’s funny. I thought those eight words were perfect.

And in a way, they were. They were the perfect set-up to the two tags that followed.

I’ve had set-ups that got bigger laughs than the punch line. I’ve learned to live with that, even feel joy– hey, if they laugh, who cares what I thought when I wrote the joke? If they don’t laugh, it’s not a punch line. But if they laugh at the set-up, IT is a punch line.

So it’s only fair that once in a while, what I thought was the perfect punch line is only a good set-up. Not ONLY a good set-up. A good set-up for two very good punch lines.

Hey, if you set out to build a car that runs on dirt, and you end up building a car that runs on oranges, don’t fret. Plant oranges.

Copyright 2006 by Shaun Eli.  All rights reserved.  Including the rights to a car that runs on oranges, if you build it.

AND… THE UPDATE:

Wow.  Got on stage on Saturday night before a packed crowd.  So packed that they had to bring in more tables to seat everyone.

I went up fourth.  As I’ve mentioned, I prefer to go up early, before the two drink minimum gets through the blood-brain barrier.  Fourth is good.

I opened my set the same way I did the night before.  Went into the eight word line, but this time thinking of it as the set-up to the two tags that follow (actually three tags now– I thought of another on the way to the club).

Worked just fine.  I’m happy.

What’s the joke?  Come to a show.  You’ll know which one it is.

See you at the clubs,

Women are Funny

Posted on 3/25/2006

Over the last month four different female comedians have spoken with me about the troubles in being a female comedian. One said that comedy was rough for women because club owners, bookers and producers often hit on the comedians, making it difficult for them to rebuff these advances and still get booked on shows. I, occasionally billed as a feminist male comedian, do notice the difficulties women go through in this business. It is harder for women to get booked than it is for men.

In the early eighties when I started going to NYC comedy clubs regularly as a fan, bookers were less likely to hire female comedians. They said that audiences didn’t like women comics, that all they did was talk about their periods and complain about men. Some club owners were even quoted as saying that women simply weren’t funny enough. It was very rare to see more than one woman in the line-up, even if the show had a dozen comedians.

And unfortunately, when people see a small amount of truth in something, they may believe the whole thing. The small amount of truth being that in fact there was a percentage of working female comics who did talk about their periods and complain about men. Sure, male comics talked about their girlfriends but they were more likely to say “MY girlfriend stinks” whereas the females were saying “ALL men stink” and for an audience there’s a difference between the two statements. I’m not her boyfriend but I am a man, and I’m therefore being insulted for my gender.

Some generalizations may have had a bit of truth twenty years ago, but no longer.

It’s been my observation lately that at amateur shows and open-mikes in NYC around thirty five percent of the comedians are female (this is more than a guess– I’ve been counting). The percentage of professional female working comics is probably much lower. But before the statisticians start calling, I do need to point out that you can’t compare the two– you’d have to look at the proportion of female amateur comics several years ago vs. working comics now (and not just in NYC) because it takes years to go from starting out to making money. And maybe only one percent ever make it to the professional level.

It takes a long time for things to change. Right now one NYC comedy club, Laugh Lounge, is owned and booked by a woman, and the person who first auditions comedians at The Comic Strip is also a woman. Many other clubs have women who book/produce shows. And if you look at who is booked at some rooms, the proportion of women seems to be on the rise. There’s no Title IX in comedy, but there are women who are doing all they can to help other women succeed. Change is happening. Not terribly fast, but faster than it would happen without the women in comedy who are there helping other women. But there is a group of people who can help women comedians even more than the bookers and other comedians can. It’s you. How can you help? Keep reading.

Some people say that one reason that men are more successful in the business world is that while women tend to seek consensus, men are more likely to try to win people over to their point of view. Genetics? Upbringing? Sexism? A combination of all three? We don’t know. I will say this about comedians– search for comedians on the web and you will discover a lot more male comedians than female comedians, and the men’s sites are more likely to have content that draws you in– as an example, look at my site (www.BrainChampagne.com) or Steve Hofstetter’s (www.SteveHofstetter.com). Of course there are exceptions– Laurie Kilmartin’s website (www.Kilmartin.com) is a good example of a woman’s comedy website with a lot of content. But only 15% of the comedians choosing to list themselves on ComedySoapbox.com are women, and an equally small proportion of the comedians who regularly post blogs, one of the site’s most popular features, are women. Marketing is very important in comedy– the more we promote, the more people we get to shows. And it’s putting people in seats that gets us booked.

I’ve learned that the comedy business is half about being funny and the other half is about people. The business really runs on favors. You gave me a spot last year when I asked for one, so I’ll tell my agent about you. You introduced me to this booker, so come open for me on the road. You gave me a ride home when I was sick and it was raining, now I have a TV show so come audition for it. Successful comedians have learned to be nice to other comedians– more than half their help as they start in the business will come from other comics.

Want to know the reason that comedy clubs put on theme shows such as Latino comics or gay comics? Because they attract an audience. Vote with your feet– if you see that NYC’s Gotham Comedy Club is putting on an all-women show, go to it. If the room is full the owners will notice and put on more of these shows. They’ll probably also put more female comics into the regular line-up. If you go to The Comic Strip because Judy Gold or Veronica Mosey or Karen Bergreen is playing, mention how much of a fan you are within earshot of the person at the door. Amateur comedians are told that one step in getting noticed is when the waitresses at comedy clubs start talking about them– they see a hundred comedians a week and what they say carries some weight. More importantly, if you, a paying customer, let it be known why you went to a show, you will be heard. It’s not exactly as scientific as the Nielsen ratings, but it works.

Why aren’t female comedians getting their share of TV shows? Where’s Laurie Kilmartin’s sitcom, or Jessica Kirson’s? I don’t know. I don’t think TV executives are geniuses, and surely they prefer going with what has already worked instead of risking something new, but if the few female-centered shows were drawing in huge ratings, the networks would notice. There seem to be a lot of television shows about young women– they’re all on UPN or WB. How are they doing? Obviously well enough that we’re getting more of them. It actually took Fox to put on a number of TV shows about black families (after very few of them on network… “Good Times,” “The Jeffersons” and “The Cosby Show” come to mind) and now there are a lot of them. And black people are what, fifteen percent of the country? Women, you’re are more than half, and I’m pretty sure you all own televisions.

Why aren’t there any women hosting late-night talk shows, traditionally a job given to a stand-up comedian? I don’t know. Joan Rivers had a shot at The Tonight Show but she blew it. Frankly I really liked her on Monday nights but I don’t know if I could have watched her five nights a week because she was, to me, more of a character than a person I wanted to invite into my home on a regular basis. I would quickly get sick of having so much of her. I would have said the same thing about Rodney Dangerfield, by the way. But perhaps this is still the result of sexism. Possibly women in comedy have to be more character-driven in order to get to the top, and then at the top they’re locked into their character. Roseanne and Ellen got sitcoms, but Jay Leno got the comedian’s biggest prize. I think he does a fabulastic job and I’m thrilled he buys some of my jokes, but when Johnny Carson retired part of me wanted Rita Rudner to get the job.

A long time ago people said that women would never be TV stars, until Lucille Ball proved them wrong. In the eighties people said that the traditional sitcom was dead because it had been done to death, until “The Cosby Show” showed that the problem was not the sitcom format but simply that we needed better sitcoms. For a long time people said that standup comedy as a TV show or movie theme wouldn’t work, until Jerry Seinfeld proved them wrong. Some people even say that Kevin Costner will never be in a movie without baseball. Eventually he may prove them wrong too. There will consistently be number one sitcoms starring women. Maybe even, shockingly, with me, a feminist male, as the head writer of one of them. What will make these shows number one? When you all watch them. That’s what made Oprah the Queen of daytime TV. Viewers. It’s as simple as that.

And before you go completely batty, remember that while the winners of all three seasons of “Last Comic Standing” were men, not one has a TV show. Pamela Anderson has had how many?

You want more female comics to succeed? Get yourself to their shows. There are thousands of comedy clubs in big cities, in little cities and even occasional professional comedy shows in small towns, all over the United States. Comedy is a business; it runs on money. Your money is your vote. Go out and vote.

Feminist Male Comedian sm

Note: This was written for publication last year and never run.

The Stupidity of Being Dishonest

Written 2/17/2006

Yesterday someone I don’t know contacted me through the feedback form on my website. She said that she was taking a friend out and asked if I could mail her eight free tickets, and mentioned a particular date.

A date when I do not have a show scheduled (and my website lists my schedule).

There are some shows I do where I can occasionally ask the club to comp people’s cover charge, so I wrote a nice email to the address she gave on the feedback form.

I said that I didn’t have a show that night, but that I appreciated her interest. I explained that most of the clubs at which I perform don’t have actual tickets but simply add the cover charge to the bill at the end of the show. And that I would be happy to let her know the next time I could get the club to waive the cover charge for her entire party.

The email bounced. She filled out the contact form but didn’t give me her correct email address (she gave me her mailing address for the tickets, but lied about her email address).

So she’s not going to receive my offer of free tickets, because though I emailed her, at this point I don’t think it’s worth my while to type out a letter, print it out, fill out an envelope, put a stamp on it, and mail it to her. Even if I did, I doubt she’d bother to write back to tell me whether she’s actually coming, so why would I go through all that trouble for someone who might not even show up?

No, an actual letter is too much work. I’d rather just blog about it.

Cheney should have served in the military

Written on 2/13/2006

Because in the military they teach you an important rule: You’re not supposed to shoot your friends.

What a bizarre country. The Secret Service uses a vast amount of resources to protect our leaders, but then they give people shotguns and say “Feel free to stand near the vice president and shoot at quail. Try not to hit any people.” And this confused some of the older Secret Service personnel because two vice presidents ago was a guy named Quayle.

Do you get the feeling that if it had been the other way around, that if Vice President Cheney’s friend had been the one doing the shooting and had accidentally hit the vice president that he’d have been sent off to Guantanamo Bay and never be heard from again?

In other news, the author of “Jaws” died over the weekend. Ironically, he was eaten by an alligator.

In Today’s News– from the front page of the Bloomberg Professional Service

Created on 1/12/2006

Since registration dates are getting earlier and earlier each year, couples in NYC are advised to register their future children for private pre-schools and summer camps prior to having sex during ovulation

Wal-mart is being sued in Pennsylvania for requiring its employees to work for free through breaks and after their shifts end. “You have a friend in Pennsylvania…” you just can’t see him because he’s in the stock room on his lunch hour.

I suggest starting the trial at 9 AM and not stopping for anything until the jury has reached a verdict.

The U.S. Trade Deficit has started shrinking as exports reached a record. Apparently now foreigners have enough money to start shopping at our country’s new Going Out Of Business Sale.

California regulators have approved a $2.5 billion subsidy program for solar energy. It’s a trick. Good luck getting the sun to sign off on it.

“Supreme Court nominee Alito Seeks to Assure Democratic Lawmakers of Views on Presidential Powers”– does this remind anybody of every movie and TV show where someone makes a deal with Satan but somehow Satan cheats and wins? No matter what Alito says, once he’s confirmed he’s in for life, which could be a very long time unless he accepts a ride home from Senator Kennedy, a pretzel from President Bush or signs a $50 million deal with Comedy Central.

Home Depot says that the S.E.C. has made an informal request for information on the company’s dealings with vendors. I hope they’re more successful than I’ve been with all my requests for information from anyone from Home Depot. I’m still waiting for a response to my question about the generator I’m thinking of buying for Y2K.

“Cape Cod Indians Worry Abramoff Links May Hurt Casino Chances, U.S. Aid”– Listen, we all feel bad for how this country has treated, and continues to treat, Native Americans. But hey, aid OR casinos, okay? One or the other. You don’t need both.

“Toyota, Bullish on U.S., Doubles 2006 Sales Growth Target Set Last Week”– apparently their executives stopped by a Chevy dealership yesterday and revised all their sales goals upward. When they finished laughing.

“Federated to Sell Lord & Taylor to Focus on Macy’s”– The company has hired JPMorgan Chase and Goldman, Sachs to advise them on the sale. Maybe this is why sales are down– when a retailer needs two investment banks to tell them how to sell, something is clearly wrong.

Wine with Food? How about Wine with Movies?

Posted on 1/7/06

Millions of words have been written about which wines go with which foods. To the best of my knowledge up until now no one has written about which wines go with which movies. This occurred to me as I was fetching a wine to drink as I screened “The Godfather” for about the fifth or sixth time.

Many people might suggest a Chianti or Barolo but I think a strong red zinfandel such as a Martinelli or Hartford would be a better choice. The taste seems to follow the sepia tones of the film, and more than one Italian-American has told me that red zin reminds him of the wine his father used to make at home. Besides, zin would go better with the cannoli.

For “When Harry Met Sally” I’d suggest an over-oaked chardonnay.

“American Graffiti”– a blanc de blancs Champagne.

“The Producers”– an inexpensive ice wine (Selaks from New Zealand, for example, where they pick the grapes then place them in a freezer instead of the more traditional method of letting them freeze on the vine).

“The Taking of Pelham One Two Three”– cough medicine.

“Casablanca” anyone?

Goodbye, old cell phone

Posted on 12/1/2005

I won’t miss your easily broken antenna, your scratched screen or that fact that your charger plug is loose and I sometimes have to jiggle the phone to get it to recharge. I will miss your choice of ring tones. I hope the battered spouse who receives this now-donated phone gets through to 911 when she or he needs to. I know I always did.

My new phone comes with 35 ring tones, each one annoying. But it has a camera that has already helped me fight a parking ticket I received because apparently not all ticket agents have the same definition of “Sunday” as the rest of the city.

I’ll miss some of the numbers I didn’t bother copying to my new phone. Such as the woman I dated two or three times who kept saying she wanted to see me again, but apparently she defines “see me again” the same way at least one ticket agent defines “Sunday.” I don’t know when it is, but it never got scheduled whenever I asked.

I won’t miss the woman I dated for three months who still had to schedule our Friday and Saturday night dates around all her internet secret first dates that she thought I didn’t know about. Won’t miss her even though she was quite lovely-looking, always smiling, a genuinely happy person, the only one with all three of her numbers (home, cell and work) in my phone.

I’ll miss the woman I dated for five months, dated until I gently asked her what the cause of her twitching was. I thought it might be a form of Tourette’s Syndrome, but I’ll never know because she denied twitching (“What hump?” for those of you who remember the movie “Young Frankenstein”) and then broke up with me. Her loss; her shy cat was beginning to like me, an accomplishment previous boyfriends had never achieved.

I’ll miss the fact that I could call my parents by pressing one button and saying “Folks.” Now I have to flip the phone open and push two keys. Way too much effort to say hi to the people who brought me into this world and raised me with values I appreciate and want to instill in my future children. Especially because every time I call them they tell me how much they love me and how much something in their house needs fixing and when can I come over and do it? Not tomorrow? Saturday, then? I’ll always suggest Sunday.

I’ll miss having a booker’s cell number programmed directly into my phone and being able to call her anytime I wanted to confirm shows. I’m sure she’s not missing it.

I’ll miss seeing my ex-girlfriend Jen’s phone number in the phone, even though I didn’t call her after we broke up (for those of you saying “They’re ALL named Jennifer” this was Jen #3). I have fond memories of my time with Jen #3–I was dating her when I started stand-up comedy, and if you’ve heard my joke about dating a doctor, that’s Jen. Actually I did contact her recently– she’s married and eight months pregnant. She’s possibly only the second long-term girlfriend I’ve had who didn’t almost immediately after our breakup marry a doctor. But that’s maybe not exactly an exception to the rule because SHE’S a doctor; perhaps the rule is that ONE of them has to be a doctor. She’ll make a great mom. She’s so good with babies and children. And yes, she’s a pediatrician, just as the joke goes.

I won’t miss the most recent ex-girlfriend, the one who broke my heart by not falling in love with me even though I thought we were perfect together, right down to the compatibility of our stuffed animals and that we both referred to her liquid soap dispenser as the soap house and to my bedroom as the sleeping pod. I won’t miss her because her number is in my new phone, which I got just before we broke up. Oh, her photos are there, too, and they come up when she calls me. A photo of her when she calls from home, and a photo of her holding her cell phone camera, taking a picture of me, when she calls from her cell phone.

I’d give up the cell phone entirely to have her back and in love with me, but since that’s not going to happen, buy some stock in Verizon. I’ll be putting new numbers in the phone and making a lot of calls.

The On-line Dating Dictionary– some help for on-line daters

“I work hard and play hard” means I work too many hours then get really, really drunk and throw up on your new shoes.

“I want to experience all that NYC has to offer” means “I’ve lived here for ten years and still the only things I can think of to do are to see movies and go to dinner with my friends.”

Fat means fat… Zaftig means fat… Medium means fat… In Shape means fat (spherical is a shape)… Firm and toned means fat and will beat you up for saying it… Thin means fat (people lie)… A few extra pounds– “in the right places” means… the right place is ELSEWHERE! Be glad it’s nowhere near you!

“I like going to new restaurants” means “I like going to the newest, most expensive restaurants. And just being able to pay is not enough– you have to be able to get a reservation at the newest restaurant two minutes after I call and tell you about it.”

“My glass is half-full” means “I think I’m an optimist but since I can’t think of any examples I’ll just use an old cliche.”

ANYTHING IN ALL CAPS- I WILL SHOUT AT YOU through our entire first (and last) date.

Consultant- lost my job.

Self-employed- lost my job years ago.

Entrepreneur- lost my job two years ago but I found a thesaurus.

Enterpernuer- lost my job two years ago, found a thesaurus but didn’t look at it all that carefully.

“I’m intelligant”- maybe, but you’re not intelligent.

“My friends and family are very important to me” means “Daddy pays my rent so I answer the phone when he calls.”

“Communication is key” so after one date if you stop returning my phone calls, eventually I’ll figure out you may not want to talk to me anymore.

I love to travel” (woman) if I won’t sleep with you in NYC, I won’t sleep with you in Paris either. But I encourage you to fly me there just to make sure.

“I love to travel” (man)- If my team is doing well, I’ll disappear every away-game weekend to watch them play, and, win or lose, I’ll forget to call you when I’m away.

“I enjoy all that life has to offer” (woman)- remember, “life” includes your American Express Gold Card and Tiffany’s.

“I enjoy all that life has to offer” (man)- I expect you to offer me everything I can think of, and I’ve watched a lot of porn.

“Please be able to laugh at yourself” because this Sunday at brunch with my friends, we will all be laughing at you, and I don’t want you to dump my egg-white omelette/beer in my lap if you happen to be nearby and overhear.

“Loyalty is very important to me”- my last three lovers cheated on me.

“I am just as happy to sit at home and watch a movie as I am going out.” (Woman)- No, really, she’s not.

“I am just as happy to sit at home and watch a movie as I am going out.” (Man)- Don’t expect me to buy you dinner past the third date- I expect you to cook me dinner if I bring a DVD over.

“I’m as comfortable in a sexy black cocktail dress as I am in jeans and a t-shirt” or “I’m as comfortable in a tuxedo as I am in jeans and a t-shirt” Because I’ve put on weight and my jeans no longer fit.

“I’m down to earth”- I’m shorter than most of my friends.

“I’m not good at writing about myself but this is what my friends say about me”- I have no idea who I am so I copied a bunch of ideas from other people’s profiles.

The Name is Shaun

Posted on 11/04/2005

Often people ask me “Is Shaun a Jewish name?” or “How can you be Jewish and be named Shaun?”

Let me clear up the uncertainty. Shaun is very much a Jewish name. Prominent in the Bible were Shaun Macabee who saved the Jewish people from massacre when a tiny bit of oil burned for eight days (the holiday Shanukah celebrates this). There was also King Shaun, famous for such inspirations of brilliance as suggesting cutting a baby in half (nowadays, of course, with extended and convoluted families we cut babies into eighths, like pizza). And, in the Talmud, Rebbe Shaun of Letichev is very prominent, known for such wise sayings as “Doing the right thing for the wrong reasons is better than doing nothing at all” and “”Instead of adding so much salt when you’re cooking, why don’t you leave it on the table and let the individual diners salt the meal according to their own tastes?”

Shauns are famous for more modern accomplishments as well. Shaun Graham Bell invented the telephone; later his grandson Shaun Walker Bell invented the cell phone, after an unsuccessful career as an oil man and an attempt to invent the smell phone.

Shaun Einstein, of course, was responsible for the famous saying “Nice work, Einstein!”

And then there was the Japanese engineer Shaun Ota, who invented a toy that later became a car. Of course he named it after himself. Yes, the ToyOta.

Copyright 2005 by Shaun Eli Breidbart. All rights reserved, except feel free to name your son Shaun. Everyone else is doing it.

News of the Day

Posted on 10/27/2005

The NYC Transit Authority is looking for ways to spend an unanticipated billion dollar surplus. How about… soap?

Or maybe a joint marketing promotion with Gillette– buy a Metrocard, get a coupon for a stick of deodorant.

arriet Miers withdrew her name for nomination to the Supreme Court. I find it hard to understand how the extreme right wing that got Bush elected won’t believe their extreme right wing president when he says Trust me, I’ve known her for years and she’s as right-wing as the rest of us.

Perhaps someone found a bad review of brownies she made for the Klan’s bake sale? Because that wasn’t she, it was Trent Lott.

Is it possible that someone found evidence that Harriet Miers is not a virgin?

Tropical storm Beta is now forming in the Caribbean. Beta? Are we TESTING storms now?

News stories show Floridians lining up for food and water… but they’re not Floridians, that’s just the end of the long line of Louisianans still standing in line.

Buying a Job

Posted on 10/25/2005

The Laugh Factory in L.A. recently auctioned off (proceeds go to Katrina victims) the opening spot in an upcoming Jon Lovitz stand-up comedy show. The winning bid was over $7,000. My smaller bid was apparently not enough.

Bidding for stage time? Why would a comedian do that? Please let me explain why I bid.

$2750 for a ten minute spot at The Laugh Factory

Bush’s four year term in The White House

At that rate, it would cost you $576,576,000* to buy a four-year term in the White House. Here are some advantages of buying the time on stage vs. buying the presidency:

1. I can finance the $2750 myself, with no help needed from Exxon, Philip Morris or the gun lobby.

2. The tape of my spot will surely have fewer gaffs than any ten minutes of Bush in front of a camera.

3. I can say whatever I want without worrying about offending those who claim to support me. I can contradict myself, change my mind, even insult myself.

4. The money goes to help Katrina victims, unlike any money actually being spent by the Bush administration.

5. I can leave early, and they won’t put Cheney on stage.

*Calculation based on 24 hours. The president isn’t any more productive when he’s awake, so why not include the time he’s sleeping?

ARE They on The Job?

Posted on 10/19/2005

On September 26th I wrote about a problem I had with the NYPD, and how they finally responded that they were doing something about it. I’d tried to report a crime, volunteering information as a witness, and I was pushed off from precinct to precinct as nobody wanted to take ownership of investigating this crime. This because precinct commanders are rated on how well they decrease crime in their territories, so they do what they can to prevent people from actually filing a police report.

Two days after my blog I got a letter from the precinct commander. The letter apologized for taking six months to get back to me but giving me the good news that an arrest was made and that the Manhattan District Attorney’s office was prosecuting the case.

Good news if it were true. But it’s not. I called the D.A. on the case. He said that while he’d like to continue, they haven’t been able to locate the perpetrator, and without being able to bring him in, they don’t bother issuing an arrest warrant (apparently they, or indictments, expire).

When I finished college, returned to NY and was living in The Bronx I was called for jury duty. A simple case– two cops saw a guy with a gun and arrested him. This was pretty easy because in 1989 in The Bronx about one in three people walked around with an illegal handgun. The defendant was a twice-convicted felon who contradicted himself on the stand. An easy verdict, I thought.

We couldn’t reach a verdict. Why not? Because the other jurors didn’t believe anything the cops said. Why would they lie, I asked.

“Because that’s what cops do,” they explained. “You naive child of the suburbs, babies cry, old people die and cops lie. That’s what they do. They don’t need a reason. They just do. Like alcoholics drink, cops lie.”

Eventually we convicted the guy, but it took a whole day of deliberations (more on this in a future blog).

My father is a retired law enforcement officer, a veteran, and someone I look up to as a model of integrity.

But tomorrow, when I start another round of jury duty, I won’t be thinking about my father’s honesty. Foremost on my mind might be how the NYPD is telling me what they think I want to hear, with reckless disregard for the truth.

Inspector, the next time your officers lose a case in court, keep in mind, you might also be to blame.

Attention Commuters

I could swear I heard this announcement in Grand Central Terminal this morning:

“Please be advised that the Constitutional rights of anyone carrying a backpack or other large item are subject to violation at any time.”

The NYPD is on the case

In February I was a witness to a non-violent crime. When I called the relevant precinct to make a statement and to give them further information on the crime they told me it wasn’t in their area, and to call a different precinct. Six phone calls later, all to find out which precinct covered that address (no exaggeration, seven phone calls in total) I was steered back to the first place I called. This is, of course, after the responding officers told the victims that what happened wasn’t illegal (it was clearly a premeditated fraud, and the District Attorney’s office looked into it but apparently never issued an arrest warrant for the perp).

It’s well-known in NYC that precinct commanders are judged by the amount of crime in their precincts and they will do anything they can to get that number down, even if it means implying that their officers try to avoid taking police reports. I’m sure that they’re great and brave when it comes to risking their lives to catch violent criminals, but if it’s just a property crime, well, too bad. Someone ripped the mirror off your car? Sorry, that’s a matter between you and your insurance company. Your druggie son stole your jewelry? Well, we’re not family counseling, we’re cops.

I sent an e-mail to the NYPD suggesting that they do something to stop their officers from deterring people from reporting crimes and that they post legible precinct maps on the city’s website (there’s one on the internet but it’s not detailed enough to be useful around the precinct borders). I also mentioned the crime and suggested that someone call me for further information.

Well guess what? Today (September 26th) I got a call from an officer at the precinct that covers the location. Seven months later, he’s getting back to me. He said that he’s new in that precinct, and to call him directly if I have any future problems in his precinct.

I’m glad the FDNY works on a different time-table.

From now on, whenever anyone says iPod, you have to say “You pod?”

Why do motorcyclists rev their engines at stoplights?

Because twisting a small penis doesn’t make the same loud noise.

Why do Harley riders rev their engines at stoplights?

To keep them from stalling.

Our MBA President

I just want to remind everyone that when George Bush ran for president the American people were promised that this first “MBA President” would apply business techniques to government, making it operate more efficiently.

The deficit, the war in Iraq and the feeble response to Hurricane Katrina demonstrate that while our “MBA President” may have mastered the principles of financial leverage by running up record deficits, he is a miserable failure at strategic planning.

I Was Wrong

All this time I thought that big business should not be running the country, that the government should be separate from industry. That the logging industry should not control our forests, that oil company executives should not be writing our energy policy.

I was wrong. We need the government completely run by corporations. For example, we should have Costco, McDonald’s and FedEx running FEMA– they would have had all the stranded flood victims fed and evacuated in about a day.

Too bad President Bush cut the government’s $40 Costco membership fee from this year’s budget, or we’d have had a lot more drinking water to ship…

It’s been reported that the government was asked for funding to repair the New Orleans levees but the president cut their funding to an amount insufficient to prevent last week’s disaster. That’s typical government thinking– someone asks for money, they give him less, and it’s not enough to solve the problem. When it’s a social program, typically the democrats ask for money, the republicans don’t give them enough, then when the program doesn’t succeed due to lack of funding, the republicans say “See, it doesn’t work.”

In this case I presume that either party would do what they can to cut the budget, and preventing this disaster was one of the items cut. But we’re the richest country in the world– we can afford to fix everything, but apparently tax cuts for the rich were more important than the lives of 100,000 poor people in Louisiana.

If you went to a plastic surgeon and were told that the procedure has a one in a thousand chance of complications, you’d probably go ahead with the surgery. Unless the doctor said that “by procedure I mean each time I press the Suck button on the liposuction machine, and I do that five hundred times during an operation,” because with such terrible odds you’d be nuts to go ahead with the procedure.

The levees breaking was maybe a one in a thousand chance. But I wonder how many other long-shot emergency items have also been cut. Are there more Katrina/New Orleans levees waiting to happen? And what are we doing about it?

As hard as it is for a black person to catch a cab in the city, it’s clear that it’s even harder to hail a helicopter.

Posted on 09/01/2005

President Bush has praised the newly-proposed Iraqi Constitution. You know he hasn’t read it…. He hasn’t even read OUR Constitution.

Volunteers are flocking to hurricane-damaged areas to help out. Hey, they HAVE people! Plenty of people, people with nothing to do. They need people with some SKILLS, like utility workers, not more unskilled people they have to house and feed. Turn your truck around, Gus, and go back home. The two hundred bucks you would have spent on gas to drive to New Orleans? Give it to charity, let them buy food for the hurricane victims, and use THEIR expertise to get it to Biloxi and New Orleans.

Dolce & Gabbana announced that they plan to begin selling low-rise jeans for men. Low-rise MEN’S jeans? This would be horrible… if any men actually shopped at Dolce & Gabbana.

Posted on 08/24/2005

President Bush is meeting Chinese President Hu. President Hu? This has Bad International Incident written all over it.

Last week Madonna was injured falling off a horse. Usually it’s the other way around.

The president of Turkmenistan has outlawed all lip-synching, even at private parties. Let’s call this what it is– the first step toward a total international ban on karaoke. My friend Phil, stationed in Ashgabat, probably doesn’t realize how lucky he is.

After calling for the assassination of Venezuelan President Chavez, Pat Robertson is now saying he was misinterpreted… even though he clearly talked about assassination. Perhaps somebody showed him a copy of the Ten Commandments, so he’s trading in “Thou Shalt Not Kill” for “Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness.” I have no comment on the Commandment “Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Oil.”

I am tired of people writing editorials and letters to newspapers saying that if politicians are for the war in Iraq why aren’t their children in the military? This is not a relevant question:

Their children, once they reach 18, are free to make up their own minds. Not only is it not their parent’s decision, but it’s also wrong to assume that the children of pro Iraq war politicians are also for the war.

Furthermore, the children of politicians may be able to make other, equally important, contributions to society. I don’t think too many people would take someone who could be a brilliant cancer researcher and say “Hey, grab this rifle– you may not be a better shot than the next guy, but hey, screw the cancer research and start shooting.”

Yes, I realize I’m defending the president’s drunken daughters. But now that they’re adults, they’re free to opt to spend the rest of their lives getting drunk instead of defending our country. As long as they don’t get so drunk that they throw up on the Japanese Prime Minister’s daughters.

Hey, at least they don’t have their own reality show. I guess it’s because their daddy already does.

New Scientific Study on Business Productivity

A new study conducted by the Wharton School of Business in conjunction with the Pew Research Institute and the Marist Poll determined that the personal computer has increased American productivity by 34%… but that American workers now spend 47% of their work day playing on the internet.

Disagree? Where the hell are you sitting right now? And where were you sitting the first time you found www.BrainChampagne.com?

Please bookmark www.BrainChampagne.com and read it every morning on company time.

NBC’s Newest Show

Since the finale of their show “I Want To Be A Hilton” didn’t get the ratings they expected, the network has announced a follow-up contest show: “I Want To Beat The Crap Out Of A Hilton With A Louisville Slugger.”

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Four Cops Stopped Me

Posted on 08/01/2005

They stopped me from getting on my train. They took me aside and said that they wanted to look in my backpack.

I said no. My backpack contained no contraband, only my date book, cell phone, some magazines, some confidential business papers, and a copy of the Constitution. Really. It’s in my backpack. Hey, some people carry the whole Bible. Oh, and about a half-dozen empty soda cans. I’m a caffeine addict, an environmentalist, and thrifty. Nobody needed to know that.

When “Seinfeld” first went on the air, my roommate and I wrote a spec. script for the show. The producer wrote back, saying no thanks, but explained that they didn’t know what they were looking for, because they were new at this and had no idea what they were doing. It was a nice letter, nicer now in hindsight because apparently, knowledge or not, they did just fine.

I wrote another script. You’ll see why this is relevant in a few hundred words.

I asked the police officer if she would prevent me from getting on my train if I refused to consent to a search. She said yes. I told her “Then I guess I’m taking the next train.”

Which I did, though I used a different entrance to the platform so they wouldn’t entirely keep me from getting home. Which I would have done with my regular train, but I didn’t have enough time.

As you know if you’ve read my earlier blog I think these random searches are a stupid, and unconstitutional, idea. Stupid because you can say no, which means that anybody carrying something illegal can just leave (okay, they caught one idiot carrying M-80 fireworks, but so far that’s it). It’s not a great use of thousands of police and civilian hours. And because a terrorist could choose to blow himself/herself up right there, killing civilians AND the police officers. Or, as I did, simply take another train. And unconstitutional because the Constitution says “The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated…” By my way of thinking, the right to stop anybody, at any time, claiming the “right” to search their belongings, is unreasonable. My time is a valuable resource, and I don’t need the police looking through papers of mine which might be confidential, through property of mine which might be embarrassing, because they think that random stops deter terrorism. What if I were a journalist, an attorney, an investment banker or a doctor, carrying papers that were not for the police to examine? It might not be only MY rights which were being violated.

I called my parents to tell them that I was thinking of notifying the ACLU that I was stopped, and that I was volunteering should the ACLU, of which I am not a member, decide to sue to stop these random searches.

Both parents were against it. My mother said that the government had new powers, powers to which she is opposed, but you can’t fight them. My father also thought I shouldn’t fight.

My father’s family lost everything in the Great Depression, and his father died when he was young. My father fought in World War II (on our side). My mother came here from Russia, her parents fleeing totalitarianism. They abandoned everything they had when they came here, and were dirt poor back when there was no Welfare and Brooklyn still had plenty of dirt. My mother had to walk miles to college when she didn’t have the nickel for the trolley (really). Yet somehow she and her sister managed to get through college and a master’s degree program– because back then, City College was truly free.

Mom told me that even after living in the U.S. for decades, when her father saw a police officer he walked the other way. Because for his entire life in Russia, nothing good ever came out of a possible confrontation with a police officer. Keep in mind he was a Jew in a small town in Russia, where for sport the Cossacks would get drunk and beat up Jews for no reason. My family was smart– they got into the alcohol business so they had some control– if you’re drinking, the last person you want to beat up is the guy who makes the booze. But still it wasn’t a great life for them. Of course once they got here, like so many other immigrants, they had to start over.

Neither of my parents had it easy. Yet somehow they not only got through it, they raised three sons who, between all of us, have seven Ivy League degrees (one of which is mine).

When I told my parents that I intended to volunteer to fight the searches—— Well, this was the first time I’d ever heard either of them actually sound scared of anything. My parents. Two of the toughest people I’ve ever known, and my circle of acquaintances has included Olympic gold medal rowers, U.S. Marines, a pediatric oncologist, Israeli commandos, black belts in karate.

My own parents, scared of OUR OWN GOVERNMENT.

In AMERICA. The land of the free and the home of the brave.

Which made me realize I’m doing the right thing by volunteering to fight this. Because, as someone once said, and has often been quoted, the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.

Okay, now to explain the Seinfeld reference. I wrote a second spec. script. A couple of months later I watched as they aired MY SCRIPT. The same two plots, virtually the same story, some of even the same types of sentences and ideas. Yet I hadn’t even heard from them, and you can be sure that someone else was listed as the writer. I was LIVID. STEAMING. READY TO EXPLODE, for the five minutes it took me to realize that I hadn’t yet sent them my second script.

Yes. A co-incidence. Wow.

So, let’s say I wasn’t Shaun. I was darker-skinned, named Abdul or Mohammed, carrying a copy of the Koran. And they’d stopped me.

Do you think I’d have thought I was chosen randomly? Of course not.

So, not only do these random searches waste time, frighten people, waste resources that could be put to better use, but they also risk convincing people that they are the victims of stereotyping, of discrimination, of the violation of their equal rights. That too is a risk we should not be taking. Because people come to this country to ESCAPE that, not to experience it. We’re supposed to be the best country in the world, the one in which everyone wants to live, the shining example for the rest of the world to follow. Not just the richest. The most just. The one with the lady in the harbor, welcoming your “…tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!” She’s been here more than a hundred years, yet we haven’t even had the decency to give her a full name. I suggest Janette Liberté. But that’s another story.

As an aside: I am for the legalization of marijuana. Also for the legalization of marajuana and the legalization of marihuana. Any drug that has three different spellings is fine with me.

Someone else once said, of nazi Germany, “When they came for the communists, I didn’t speak up because I was not a communist. When they came for the Jews, I didn’t speak up because I was not a Jew. When they came for the Catholics, I didn’t speak up because I was not a Catholic. When they came for me, there was no one left to speak up.”

I have to speak up. We have to draw the line somewhere. Better now than later.

I had no drugs in my bag. I do not use marijuana, by any spelling. But I feel that cannabis (this saves me from favoring a particular spelling) is probably less dangerous than alcohol, has been shown to have few if any harmful side-effects (okay, if you overeat because you smoked some then you may risk heart disease) and yet it’s illegal while alcohol and regular cigarettes, which kill hundreds of thousands of Americans a year, are legal.

Gee, I wonder who’s making those campaign donations. Hello?

So, since I’m against arresting people for possession of, or use of (as long as they’re not driving), cannabis, I think that these random searches inhibit people’s ability to buy, transport, sell and use the drug. Another reason to oppose these searches.

If enough people say no, maybe we can make a difference. Maybe instead of searching randomly they’ll put their brains to use to find a better way to stop terrorists. Because, guess what? The terrorists know they’re searching backpacks on NYC public transit. Heard of Philadelphia mass transit? Heard of the local supermarket? Heard of hiding a bomb under your shirt, instead of in a backpack? So have the terrorists. If you try to stop them somewhere, they’ll figure out where else to go. Stop looking backwards for train bombers, and think progressively, and figure out where they’re going NEXT. Like you should have, schmucks running our country, before September 11th. Because, as I said in a letter to the New York Times that was published three years ago, “Terrorists had previously tried to destroy the World Trade Center. The White House had received warnings of hijackings. A 1994 Tom Clancy novel depicted a terrorist crashing a 747 into the Capitol Building during a joint meeting of Congress. Just about everybody who had ever played Microsoft’s Flight Simulator game before Sept. 11 had crashed an imaginary airplane into a virtual World Trade Center.” I wrote this letter after Condoleeza Rice, then our National Security Advisor, said “I don’t think anybody could have predicted that these people would take an airplane and slam it into the World Trade Center.”

Hey, wake up and smell your job description.

To quote the leader of our country, “Either you’re with us, or you’re against us.”

How Stupid Are We? How Stupid Do We Think They Are?

Posted on 07/22/2005

On my birthday yesterday I learned that the NYPD plans to begin random searches of backpacks in subways.

“Those who are ready to sacrifice freedom for security ultimately will lose both” – Abraham Lincoln

But let’s even forget about the fact that the country is starting to feel a bit like a police state– random searches, secret uncontestable search warrants issued by secret judicial panels, people being labelled “enemy combatants” so they don’t have to be given their Constitutional rights (when the phrase “enemy combatant” does not appear in the Constitution). Let’s even forget that with all our airline security, while we’ve caught a lot of guys named Gus who forgot that they were carrying guns, we haven’t caught anyone with any actual intent to hijack a plane. And the highest-profile reported case of actually catching a suspected terrorist in this country turned out to be a guy who bragged to his friends that he was selling weapons, but since he had no access to weapons and didn’t know anybody evil to sell weapons to, the FBI conveniently pretended to be a weapons supplier and also found an FBI phony weapons buyer so they could actually arrest a guy with no access to either side of his transaction. Essentially they made him an arms dealer so they could arrest him for being an arms dealer.

Enough on that. Let’s look at the idea of random backpack searches. They say they’ll be random and there won’t be racial profiling. Sure, because Middle-Eastern isn’t a race. Do you think they’ll randomly open an eighty year old white woman’s big purse? How hard do you think it is to slip a small time bomb into Phillis’s purse when she’s not looking?

The NYC subway system has millions of riders a day. They’ll be able to stop only a few thousand people. So if you’re a suicide bomber, the odds are with you. Oh, and if they do stop one, do you think he’ll open his bag and let the cop find the bomb? No, he’ll blow himself up (along with the cop, and everyone behind him in line at the turnstiles). It will rain blood and metrocards. Mission accomplished.

So let’s search everyone, so the subway will be eight dollars a ride (cops are expensive) and it takes as long to get on the D train as it does to get through security at JFK. Don’t even think of taking nail clippers to work. Oh, you work in a nail salon, Kara? Not anymore.

Sure, let’s search every subway rider. So the suicide bombers give up on the subway… and instead blow up everyone in Gristedes, the movie theater, on the sidewalk. Maybe we’ll have door-to-door suicide bombers.

At least until winter, when they can hide the bombs under their winter coats.

Or recruit women. Do you really think Officer Subway is going to ask the pregnant woman to lift up her abaya to show that she’s really pregnant? Will they make Fat Tony prove he’s not really Mini-Tony?

Will pretty French tourists stop bringing sexy underwear on vacation because they don’t want to be embarrassed in public by Officer Subway pawing through their suitcase? Because if that happens, I’m buying an airline ticket to Europe.

Just for the record, I’m okay with some unobtrusive way to search, such as a machine that can sniff explosives. But anything that wastes my time, and invades my privacy, I have a problem with.

And I heard on the radio yesterday that in the past four years there have been 1600 accidental incursions of the giant flight restrictions around Washington, DC. That’s 1600 incursions and not one attempt on anyone’s life.

Think about that. 1600 pilots who screwed up. Which means that probably there have been hundreds of thousands of flights that had to divert around that airspace. Do you realize what a monumental waste of time and fuel that must be? Can’t we find a better way to protect our leaders than shutting down the airspace all around them?

Please stop talking about “Thinking outside the box” if THERE IS NO BOX.

Don’t tell me to “Do the math” unless there is actual math to be done.

It’s not “A win-win situation for both parties” unless there are four winners.

And please don’t say yourself or myself unless you or I are both the subject and object of the sentence. In other words, you can look at yourself. I can look at myself. But I cannot look at yourself unless you and I are the same person. And I’m pretty sure we’re not. Because when I do look at myself, I see me, not you.

If you have a problem with that, get back inside the box.

Suing the Landlord

Posted on 7/13/05

So I had to sue my landlord. Back in the winter they were doing reconstruction on the apartment upstairs. The standard way to gut an apartment is to bust out a window, park a dumpster in the alley below, and throw all the debris out the window into the dumpster.

And, if you’re not an idiot, when it’s four degrees outside you remember to cover up the gaping hole when you leave on Friday evening.

If you’re an idiot, the pipes freeze and the apartment below gets flooded. Under NY State law, it’s pretty clear that the landlord is responsible for the flood. I sent a nice letter asking for compensation and he said I’d have to sue him. So I did.

Since only a few months earlier we’d had a fire (Note– an unsupervised three year old, curtains and a cigarette lighter… any two of the three, no problem. All three, a big problem) I didn’t have much left to damage. I sued for around $1050. The night before the Small Claims Court date, the lawyer for the landlord’s insurance company called me. To ask questions. I pointed out that in Small Claims Court he’s not entitled to discovery (the asking of questions) but anyway explained why he was going to lose. He pretty much understood that I knew what I was talking about. And I found out that his office was an hour commute from the courthouse. So I suggested that he simply send me a check for $1050 rather than bill an equivalent amount to his client and still lose. He said he couldn’t do that.

When I asked if it was because he had to show up in court in case I didn’t, he pretty much said yes. I asked him the address of the courthouse. He said 34 Fifth Avenue. I asked him to read me my address. He said 17 Fifth Avenue. I said “Do you really expect me NOT to cross the street for a thousand dollars?”

He showed up in court. I met him outside, said “Hey, I crossed the street, do you want to give me $1050?” He said no. We went into court, where the judge asked if we could go outside and try to settle. So we tried.

He asked what I wanted. I said every darn penny I lost due to his client’s client’s contractor’s negligence. We quibbled over the value of one picture frame, and settled on $1025. He pulled out a standard contract that said something like “Plaintiff waives all claims from the beginning of time until (fill in today’s date).”

I said that sounded rather drastic– could we say July 4, 1776? Because I might have some rights under the Magna Carta that I’m not yet prepared to waive.”

He crossed out “From the beginning of time” and wrote in “July 4, 1776.”

So if the Magna Carta has no Statute of Limitations…

She No Longer Loves Bad Boys

Posted on 06/30/2005

Last Thursday was my girlfriend’s birthday, and she had a party. I was walking to her apartment carrying four dozen roses. In the water bottle pockets of my backpack I had two bottles of Champagne sticking out very noticeably.

As I passed by Columbus Circle I saw a woman wearing an “I Love Bad Boys” t-shirt. She looked at the roses, then at the Champagne, then at me. Then back at the roses, and the Champagne.

Bad boys just don’t know how to treat women” I said to her.

“It’s your anniversary.” She said to me.

“Nope.”

“Then what is it?”

“It’s Thursday” I told her. “Happy Thursday.”

Kiss Your House Goodbye

Posted on 06/23/2005

Eminent domain is the Constitutionally-allowed power of state and local governments to seize private property for a public purpose, as long as they pay for it. Mostly it’s been used for a public good– they tear down some houses to put up a school or firehouse, or they take a piece of farmland to put in a highway or some railroad tracks. This has been done for hundreds of years and without the power of eminent domain we’d probably not have very many roads or firehouses.

The Supreme Court just ruled that the power of Eminent Domain allows state and local governments to seize private property and give or sell it to other private enterprises merely because the newer enterprise promises to add value to the property. In other words, they can tear down a slum and put up fancy housing because that will lead to economic development and higher tax revenue. Oh, they have to pay the people who own the slum properties, but they pay the market value for a slum, not what the land is going to be worth once the slum is replaced by fancy housing.

Of course with the slum gone the price of the least expensive housing goes up, and the poor people who have been forced out of their homes are screwed. Well, you should’ve lived in a communist country, you poor suckers, because here in America you live where you can afford to live, and if that means the street, well, you should be thankful it’s not a busy street.

The Supreme Court vote was 5-4, and I find myself agreeing with the conservative minority that there ought to be stricter limits to eminent domain. Otherwise, the state can seize a K-Mart and sell the land to Target, because Target promises higher tax revenues. That is, until Wal-Mart comes along. Where does it end? Ask Bill Gates, or Exxon, or maybe China.

I’d complain more, but I don’t have the time– I have to get in touch with my town to force my neighbor out of his house– I’m sure that my assessed value would go up, and thus tax revenues to the town, if I got rid of my neighbor and put up a huge house with a lovely indoor swimming pool. I’m thinking a movie theatre and bowling alley, too. Or those mini racing cars.

My neighbor’s in his sixties, but I’m sure he wouldn’t mind moving in with his daughter. I’d let him come back and use the pool, but if word got out about the pool then somebody richer might come along and force me out of my house.

think I would get to keep my gun. Thank God for the Second Amendment. You can have my house when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands.

We stink. We STINK. WE REALLY STINK!

Posted on 06/13/2005

I’m a first-generation American. I vote and pay my taxes proudly and I think this is the greatest country in the world. But still we stink.

Let me explain. A few nights ago I was watching Fear Factor. One of the bug-eating episodes, not one of the bugs-crawling-all-over-you episodes.

Yes, we are entertained by watching people eat disgusting creatures in search of a $50,000 prize.

There are five billion people on our planet, and a lot of them go hungry. Some of them will die of starvation. But here in America we are paying people to eat stuff they don’t want to eat, just so others can be entertained.

Maybe we should pay them $40,000 and spend the other $10,000 on helping people grow more food. Or perhaps for every hour of Fear Factor people watch, they should be required to spend five minutes watching people go hungry. And don’t even get me started on all the mass murder going on in Darfur that we’re not doing anything about. It may not be on the same scale as the Holocaust, but this time we know all about it and we have the military means to stop it. And by stopping it, perhaps discouraging future mass murderers. Instead we’re sending the message that we’ll let them get away with it. Oh, unless they really piss us off. Our country’s leaders claim to be men of God. They sure aren’t men of men.

Now that I’ve brought down the room, go see a comedy show and get cheery again. Or at least scroll down and read some of my funny blogs. But I had to speak my mind. With my job comes some responsibility to speak out.

Oh, you think I owe you some jokes? Okay.

Some sad news. The founder of Wine Spectator magazine has passed away. Or, as the magazine is reporting it… “His Bordeaux is continuing to age, but he isn’t.”

Scientists are saying that the surface of the earth has been getting brighter, but they’re not sure why. I can tell you one thing: it’s not the people.

For more comedy, please visit the Expired Comedy section of this website.

I’m having a great day

Posted on 06/01/2005

We found out who Deep Throat was, and all day I’ve been glued to CNN, watching Nixon resign, over and over and over and over….

I Think I Lost This Round

Posted on 05/30/2005

Every few weeks my neighbors have a garage sale. To try to sell the same useless crap that nobody bought at the previous garage sales. Nobody buys anything. But still every sale fills up our quiet street with cars and clogs the neighborhood as my neighbors sit hopefully in their driveway all day.

So a couple of weeks ago I went over and asked what they wanted for EVERYTHING. Not much, so I bought it all to finally put an end to this nonsense, and on bulk garbage day I put it ALL out for the garbagemen.

But my neighbors beat the garbagemen to my curb, and they took all the stuff back, and now today they’re having another garage sale.

Anybody have any ideas that don’t involve a gallon of gasoline and some matches?

Today’s Mail

Posted on 05/02/2005

In today’s mail I got an invitation for an AARP credit card. A surprise. I’m sure they’d give me one even though I’m only 43.

The bigger shock was an invitation to celebrate Anne Frank’s 75th birthday. A party which will include a live musical performance by Cyndi Lauper. The woman who made her career by hopping around on stage in bright colors, screeching and singing “Girls Just Want to Have Fun.”

I quote from her song: Some boys take a beautiful girl And hide her away from the rest of the world I want to be the one to walk in the sun Oh girls they want to have fun

This is in such poor taste I’m at a loss for words.

Driving While InTalks-icated

Posted on 05/01/2005

Sooner or later… two people are going to be talking to each other on their cell phones while driving, and crash… into each other.

Confucius say: He who crosses street while talking to girlfriend on cell phone get run over by woman driving SUV while talking to her nanny on cell phone.

My waitressing fantasy

WRITTEN BY Marianne Sierk and used with permission (Shaun’s comments follow)

Originally Posted on Comedy Soapbox 04/22/2005 at 09:35 PM

“I’m working at a restaurant on Lake Ontario this summer for some cccyash for my move to LA that feels like it will never happen. Tonight it was raining and yucky out so I only had 4 tables and am home already, writing to you, faceless Blog. In any case – I had a revelation as I was starring at the lake waiting for my last table to wash down their fish fry with our finest white zinfendel (Go Rochester!) and I imagined how I’d like to die – at least for tonight. I’d take as many orders for dinner as I can – then I’d pretend to put them in the computer – but I’d really be ordering Filet Mignon’s for everyone. Right before the first load of misordered steaks comes in – I’d rip off my bow tie and scream, “Surf’s up!” I’d run off the pier that’s connected to said restaurant and jump in the choppy lake waters. I’d be found with my tux shirt still on, apron afixed to my new polysesters, $14 CASH still secure within my pockets. Maybe my wine key would be lost, but I’d be CLUTCHING my lighter. (I don’t smoke, but birthday candles don’t light themselves….) I’d just let myself drift as far out as I can – and then eventually give up whatever struggle would come naturally and let the polluted Lake Ontario water fill my asthma ridden lungs – a huge smile embedded on my face. Two hotty italian busboys would gallantly throw down their Windex bottles and buspans and scream…..”NOOOO!” and jump in to try to save me – but it’s too late! It’s always too late. I’m a strong swimmer, but no match for the great tides of a Great Lake. Someone get me out of this city. The End. (in so many ways)PS – I swear this isn’t a cry for help – just a fantasy!”

Comments are below

The Response, Posted on 04/22/2005 at 10:45 PM by Shaun Eli

Same fantasy, minus the death. You win the $205 million lottery. Order steak for everyone.

Then run away, in your Ferrari, driven by comedian and excellent driver Shaun Eli. Okay, Brad Pitt.

When the police chase you, you drop a note out the window that says “Just Kidding. Bring this to the restaurant.” And with the note are fifteen hundred dollar bills. And an address in Malibu for them to mail the speeding ticket.

You and Mr. Pitt leave the car at a local airport, where pilot Shaun Eli is waiting with a plane to fly you two lovebirds to California, after a stop in Vegas where Mr. Pitt can beg you to marry him (you politely turn him down, explaining that he’s just a toy).

You spend a night (actually it’s from 9 AM to 11:30 PM but in Vegas there is no time) in a cheap hotel under assumed names. Then you kiss him goodbye, find a waiting pair of Ducati motorcycles, with expert motorcyclist Shaun Eli waiting to escort you to your new home in Malibu, where real estate agent and skilled interior decorator* Shaun Eli is ready to show you around and help you furnish your new home.

Fabulastic chef Shaun Eli goes shopping and returns to prepare you a wonderful dinner while you relax in a bubble bath. He then leaves you with two bottles of Champagne, and a wonderful dessert, as a ragged Brad Pitt enters the house for one final goodbye fling.

*Shaun Eli is not a licensed California real estate agent and his decorating skills are subject to some debate.

At What Point Do We Not Mention Race?

Posted on 04/22/2005

I went to pick up my date at her apartment. At 119th near Lenox. For those of you not familiar with Manhattan, this is in Harlem (Lenox is also known as Malcolm X Blvd and as I’m sure you can imagine, there’s no big push to name streets in white neighborhoods after Malcolm X, although there ought to be a push to rename all the Jefferson Davis streets and schools after Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. or Rosa Parks or at least Chuck Berry).

My date didn’t answer the buzzer, and she wasn’t answering her phone. But she never answers her phone and her buzzer doesn’t work that well. Someone came out of her building, and I asked him if he knew if Evie were home.

Her building is a five story brownstone with only two apartments per floor.

He said he didn’t know who she was.

I said “She looks around thirty, she has long, dark, wavy hair, she’s thin and pretty, she’s a schoolteacher, moved in around five months ago.”

He had no idea who she was.

“She rides a bicycle a lot.”

“Oh, you mean the white girl! Why didn’t you say so? No, I don’t think she’s home.”

Okay, why DIDN’T I say so?

Think about this

Posted on 04/21/2005

A new study reported that most traffic lights in the U.S. have not had their timing changed in over a decade. That’s right, before those shopping malls were built, and back when that housing complex was still farmland. Back when fewer cars travelled, and came from and went to different parts of your town.

The reason for the lack of change? State and local traffic engineers don’t have the resources to study traffic patterns and re-time the lights. They say for only FOUR DOLLARS PER CAR they could re-time most of the traffic lights in America, saving us millions of hours in travelling time, millions of gallons of gasoline, and wear and tear on our cars (including the tires and brake linings that wear down every time we have to slow down to stop at another red light). And of course cut down on pollution, that thing we used to care about back before the oil companies took their first four year lease on America with an option to renew.

So the next time you’re stuck in traffic, listening to some politician on the radio bragging about how he’s going to lower your taxes, think about what more he intends to cut from the budget. The money has to come from somewhere. It’s already come from your time, your gas, your brakes, your tires, your lungs…

Comedy: A non-polluting, self-renewing national resource sm

There is no “I” in “Team”

Posted on 04/14/2005

But… HALF of T E A M is M E.

Google this! (warning: if you are easily offended please scroll down past this entry)

Somebody told me that no matter what phrases you Google, you will get some number of hits. I wasn’t sure. So…

I took the most random and unrelated of phrases and here’s what I found:

“Kansas City” + penis + buddha + “Home Depot” gave 651 hits.

arthritis + shoes + cunnilingus + oregon gave 146 hits.

But substitute fellatio for cunnilingus and you more than double the number of hits. Change it to fetus or calculus and it goes up further still. Algebra does even better, more than 2000 hits.

eraser + logical + river + telephone + cashew gives 83 hits.

welder + nostril + basketball + labor gives 77 hits.

Note that I was totally sober when I tried this experiment.

So you can imagine how my mind works after a few drinks.

My stand-up comedy is clean. Apparently my blogs are not always.

Mister can you buy me beer?

Posted on 04/11/2005

When I was seventeen I worked in a supermarket. I had a beard and looked older. Once when I was leaving, two sixteen year olds stopped me and asked if I could buy them some beer (the drinking age in NY at the time was eighteen). I told them I couldn’t, because I wasn’t old enough. They didn’t believe me. Of course I probably could have bought beer anywhere EXCEPT that store, since they knew how old I was.

Last night I was sitting at the bar at a comedy show, next to an eighteen year old. She asked me to buy her a beer. I told her I’d be glad to, in about three years. The bartender knows me, and obviously knew that this woman was too young to buy alcohol, so had I bought a beer and given it to her, we both would have been thrown out. Not that I would have anyway.

I couldn’t buy her a beer in any state; that’s illegal. But I’m pretty sure it’d be okay if I bought her a gun.

And if a woman with a gun asks me to buy her a beer, well, I don’t think I’d say no.

And probably the reason that having a beer is such a big deal for her is simply that it’s forbidden. In many European countries kids are given small amounts of alcohol to taste as they grow up. It’s not something forbidden to lust for. And they don’t have the same problem with drunken teenagers and young adults as we do. Certainly they don’t have as many people trying 21 shots on their 21st birthday and dying from their first exposure to alcohol.

Raising the drinking age is credited with cutting down on drunken driving, but in fact all the exposure to the issue, and stricter law enforcement, is probably responsible for much of that.

Perhaps we should lower the drinking age to sixteen, but give kids a choice– a license to drink OR a license to drive. That way every group of friends would have a designated driver, and they could switch off every few months.

Trapped in an Elevator

Posted on 04/07/2005

This week the NYPD undertook a massive search for a missing Chinese restaurant deliveryman. When his bicycle was found chained up outside an apartment building, they searched the building and found that he had been trapped in an elevator… for three days. An elevator with an emergency call button AND A CAMERA.

In the meantime the police arrested a man because he had a blood-colored stain on his shirt. It turned out to be exactly what he claimed it was: barbecue sauce from a dinner he’d eaten three days earlier.

Anybody who lives in an apartment building and doesn’t change his food-stained shirt for three days probably deserves a little jail time.

Don’t you agree?

Mitch Hedberg

Posted on 03/31/2005

Mitch headlined one of the first shows I ever did, at Stand-Up New York. I’d seen many of his TV appearances but had never before seen him live.

They announced that he was trying out material for his appearance the next night on “Late Show with David Letterman.” He read much of his material from his notes, and if anybody tells you that you can’t be that funny working from notes, they are W R O N G.

Mitch Rocked.

Then he did most of that material on TV the next night.

Until at one point they cut to a shot of his shoes while he was in the middle of a joke. This caught his attention, he made some off-hand comment about the irrelevance of showing his feet, he lost his rhythm and what I thought was his strongest joke, didn’t work well.

Mitch taught me a lot from this experience.

I learned that you can be really funny trying new material from a notebook, if you’re really, really funny. And I learned never to look at the monitor when you’re on television.

I hope some day I can benefit from both these things.

The world lost a great comedian this week. Someone who was different, who didn’t see the world sideways so much as inside-out. Someone who could make us laugh not only from a surprise or an unusual observation, but simply from a brilliant manipulation of the English language.

Three comedian websites I monitor (SheckyMagazine.com, ComedySoapbox.com and The Standups Asylum group on MSN) have had more comments on Mitch Hedberg this week than on just about any other topic, ever.

Mitch, you are already missed.

A Dubious Honor

I have been named one of Westchester’s Most Eligible Bachelors.

More interestingly, if you type NYC Arabian Comedian into Google, my website (www.BrainChampagne.com) comes up first.

I’m not Arabian.

Not even close.

Sell your Google stock.

Business School Admissions and Business Ethics

The New York Times reported on Monday that some business school applicants were able to hack an admissions website to find out whether they’d been admitted, prior to the release of the information.

Harvard, MIT and Carnegie Mellon found out who the students were and denied them admission on the basis of the students’ lack of ethics (Harvard said the students were free to re-apply next year, but I’d bet they won’t get in then either).

As one of the first business school students to take a business ethics class (this was in the early eighties), I applaud the universities’ decisions.

Some students have protested, claiming that hacking into a website to find out early what they would eventually have found out anyway is no big deal, likening it to taking a pencil home from the office.

I’d say it’s more like stealing a pencil during a job interview. Would you hire someone who did that?

If the students believe that what they did was not wrong, they should be amenable to having the schools publish their names, so we can decide for ourselves whether we ever want to hire these people.

Tourists from another planet

Posted on 03/16/2005

Those of us who live in NY are used to seeing all sorts of strange behavior.

Sometimes we can figure it out. Sometimes we can’t.

Last week I saw tourists, who spoke with American accents, taking a photograph of a Starbucks. Where could these people be from that they’ve never seen one before?

I’d bet that there were probably four or five Starbucks coffee shops inside the plane they flew on to get to NYC.

Unless they flew to NYC in a time machine from the 1950s. Or, with any luck, from not too far in the future.

A Typical NYC Conversation.. .

Posted on 03/15/2005

Street Vendor: Three for ten dollars. They’re ten dollars EACH in a store.

Tourist: How do I know they’re not stolen?

Street Vendor: Of COURSE they’re stolen.

Score One More for Feminism

Posted on 03/12/2005

Say what you want about Prince Charles’ fiancee, but after they’re married I expect that very few little girls will be saying that they want to be princesses when they grow up!

Comedians in the Talmud

“Rav Beroka of Bei Hozae was often in the market of Bei Lapat. There he would meet Elijah. Once he said to Elijah: ‘Is there anyone in this market who has earned eternal life?’ Elijah said to him: ‘No.’ They were standing there when two men came along. Elijah said to him: ‘These men have earned eternal life.’ Rav Beroka went to them and said: ‘What do you do?’ They replied: ‘We are jesters, and make the sad to laugh.'”

– – – The Talmud (a collection of ancient writings on Jewish law)

Hospital Suggestion

I was visiting my friend Sara who teaches and does research at a medical school– I met her outside the hospital entrance, where a large number of patients, many with IVs attached, were smoking.

If the hospitals are going to let the patients go outside and smoke, wouldn’t it be much more convenient, and HEALTHIER, if they just put nicotine into their IV solutions?

Jewish Geography

Someone accused me of anti-Semitism because I used the phrase “Jewish Geography” to refer to asking if someone knew someone else because he was from the same town.

So I quote you from Genesis 29:4–

“And Jacob said unto them: ‘My brethren, whence are ye?’ And they said: ‘Of Haran are we.’ And he said unto them: ‘Know ye Laban the son of Nahor?’ And they said: ‘We know him.’ “

Final Score: Commandments 10, Justices 9

Posted on 03/09/2005

The Supreme Court is hearing a case about whether it’s legal for governments to post the Ten Commandments.

All nine Supreme Court justices are either Christian or Jewish. Two religions which believe in the Ten Commandments as a central tenet.

Therefore I believe that all nine justices ought to recuse themselves from this case.

Censorship vs. Simple Bad Taste

Posted on 03/08/2005

According to today’s New York Times, a recent issue of the New York Press (a free weekly newspaper) had a front-page satirical article on the “Upcoming Death of the Pope.” After a public outcry over the article, the editor resigned.

I find the subject to be in bad taste (although I didn’t read the article and admit that the content might be funny, despite the subject matter).

But– also according the the New York Times, Representative (and mayoral candidate) Anthony D. Weiner said that “Everyone has a right to free speech, but I hope New Yorkers exercise their right to take as many of these rags as they can and put them in the trash.”

Actually there is NO such right. That is censorship. I haven’t looked at the inside cover of the NY Press lately but I hope they are smart enough to say that ONE copy per customer is free, which would make taking more than one paper and discarding it stealing. That is NOT one’s right.

I find the subject of the NY Press article in bad taste. I find Mr. Weiner’s comment beyond bad taste; it’s offensive and a violation of the our right to create and read articles written in bad taste.

Given a choice between the two, I would take the NY Press over Mr. Weiner.

Posted on 03/05/2005

Medical researchers at Harvard University have announced plans to start testing the psychedelic drug Ecstasy on humans.

And you thought it was hard to get into Harvard before!

Actually the study is to see if the drug could help relieve the suffering of terminally-ill cancer patients. White House officials are against the study because they say it could legitimize a dangerous drug. It could lead to the use of other dangerous drugs, such as alcohol, morphine and maybe even that very popular drug that CAUSES cancer, tobacco.

And the president’s biggest fear, the one that has led him to cut funding for medical and scientific research? That someone might eventually develop truth serum.

Posted on 03/03/2005

Mayor Bloomberg said that New York City’s economy received a $254 million boost from tourists coming to see The Gates, which, for those of you who haven’t seen this, is pretty much a bunch of orange curtains hanging from scaffolding in Central Park.

1.5 million visitors, including 300,000 from other countries, came to NYC specifically to see The Gates. Hotel occupancy was up more than 10% and some restaurants near the park reported double their normal business.

Top Broadway shows? The World Series? Wall Street? The center of fashion? The headquarters of the United Nations? Great restaurants? Top comedy clubs? The country’s greatest museums? Hit television shows? Symphony orchestras? Greenwich Village rock music clubs? Foreign art films you may not be able to see anywhere else? The Bronx Zoo? Nope, people come to see curtains. I guess that’s what we should expect in a country where NYC is the third most popular tourist destination, after…

Orlando and Las Vegas.

But we ARE glad you came. New York is the world’s most international city, and it wouldn’t be, without you. Please come back, with or without something specific to see. Just please walk faster or stay to the right on the sidewalks. We live here, we’re usually in a hurry, and sometimes we’re in a hurry to do something to make the city a nicer place for you to visit.

I said sometimes.

Changing the Presidents

Posted on 02/22/2005

A congressman wants to take President Ulysses S. Grant off the fifty dollar bill and replace his portrait with that of President Reagan. General Grant, who won the Civil War, saved the Union and gave birth to the question “Who is buried in Grant’s tomb?” The answer to which, by the way, is “General AND MRS. Grant,” for all of you who got it wrong.

I have a better idea– leave Grant on the fifty, but reissue the thirty year Treasury bond and put Reagan’s picture on that. After all, nobody ever did more to run up government debt than Reagan (not yet, anyway, Bush still has four more years).

A stunningly beautiful woman kissed me tonight

Posted on 02/17/2005

A stunningly beautiful woman kissed me tonight. As part of our acting class. She kissed me passionately… then slapped me across the face.

Posted on 02/14/2005

Paris Hilton says she trademarked the phrase “That’s hot.” As if she’s the first one ever to say it. As if she had any legal chance of actually enforcing her rights if someone else used it in an advertisement.

So here’s the phrase I am trademarking: “Paris Hilton is the best example of why the inheritance tax rate ought to be 100% ™”

What goes around, comes around

Posted on 02/10/2005

Back in college, one of my classmates showed up one day in a bright yellow track suit. Really bright yellow.

She looked like a giant banana.

I wanted to tell her. But I didn’t.

I might have been the only one who remained silent.

I think hearing this so much made an impression on her. I saw her six days a week for a whole year but never again saw the yellow track suit. Not once. I doubt she was happy about it.

Cut to: Several years later. I meet a woman who completely wins me over. Charming. Smart. Beautiful. Funny. Willing to go out with me. A woman possessing all five of those important qualities is rare.

On our first date I told her where I went to college and she told me the name of her new best friend, who also went there.

The giant banana. Of course.

I knew that the moment she got home she’d call the giant banana and ask about me. And I knew that what she wouldn’t be told was that I was a giant jerk for calling her a giant banana. Because I didn’t. What didn’t go around couldn’t come around.

Cut to: Several weeks later. Thought that the five-qualities woman might be my soul-mate. She didn’t see it that way, and was not in the right place in her life for me. We parted ways.

Cut to: Now. She’s semi-famous. Married. Still lovely, and still very funny. I’m really happy for her success. She earned and deserves it.

Flashback: A few weeks ago. A bunch of comedians are in line to sign up for an audition. It’s cold and many of us have been waiting for a couple of hours to get our audition date, which is supposed to be randomly chosen when we get to the front of the line.

One comedian arrives late, starts talking to his friends in front of us when the line starts to move.

I ask him, politely, to go to the back of the line. He refuses, says it doesn’t matter because the dates are randomly chosen. Though we didn’t think they’d run out of audition spots, anything’s possible, and I explain that our feet are cold and we all want to get inside a few seconds earlier.

He doesn’t move. Until I turn to my friend and say “This isn’t very smart of him. A bunch of us are not only comedians but we also book shows, and we remember stuff like this.”

At which point he walks toward the back of the line.

Cut to: A minute or two later. We get to the front. They changed their policy. For this time only, they are assigning dates in chronological order. So it did matter where in line one stood.

And we will remember him.

My toughest show ever

Posted on 02/06/2005

I really like to open a show. It’s a challenge, taking a cold audience and getting them laughing. My style of comedy stands up to the challenge, I think, because I believe in lots of punchlines (in other words, quantity perhaps over quality), starting right from when I take the stage. No long set-ups, just grab the mike and start hitting hard. Plus, sometimes this has the advantage of avoiding the problem of following someone who just isn’t that good, or someone who abuses the audience and loses them (doesn’t happen often, but it happens).

Tonight I performed my third set at the Tribeca Arts Festival. I was the only stand-up comic (second time that’s happened there). I followed some musicians and poets.

There were around fifteen people in the audience (this was Super Bowl Sunday). Some of them had heard my stuff the first two times I appeared there. While I did vary my sets the first two times, the opening this time had nothing new, although the order was moved around some.

Nothing. For the first minute, barely a chuckle. After three or four minutes of material that usually does really well (and did so the prior two weeks), I got some laughter. But not much. I switched to crowd work (asking the audience questions, coming up with humorous responses) to get the audience on my side. They’d been paying attention, just not laughing.

The crowd work helped a little, then I did some more material and some real laughs finally ensued. Eventually. But it was a hard slog. I didn’t lose them. They were listening, but I could have been giving a lesson on how to gut fish to the seafood department for all the love I felt.

After I left the stage I figured it out. The person who preceded me was a poet. When I saw her two weeks ago, she had told a long story about a young girl forced into an arranged marriage who was repeatedly raped and tortured by her husband, and the horrible life she led.

I think this is the summit of A Tough Act To Follow.

Epilogue to My Toughest Show Ever, or Thank You, Kind Stranger

Posted on 2/7/05

Last night I posted a blog about the tough show I had just come from, when I was the only comedian and I went on immediately following a poet who speaks about the rape, torture and abuse of a young girl. It took a long time for the audience to warm up to comedy, and it was a difficult few minutes on stage getting to that point (and I use the term ‘stage’ loosely since there was no stage and no microphone).

This afternoon I was shopping and a guy leaving the store said hello to me. I said hi in that non-committal way that means Okay, hi to you, but I have no idea who you are and probably you have mistaken me for someone else.

He said “You were very funny in the show last night.” So he was talking to me. A major coincidence with so few people at the show on Super Bowl Sunday, in a metropolitan area with fifteen million people.

I said thanks, and mentioned that I didn’t get a lot of laughs. He confirmed that the person right before me told a gruesome story and brought down the whole audience and it took them a long time to get over what she said. I had the unfortunate luck of immediately following her. I suppose this means she is a very talented story-teller, which of course did me no good.

Kind stranger, your attendance at my next show is on me– if by a second coincidence you’ve come across this blog, email me and I’ll see that you get comped at my next show. And if somebody else thinks he can trick me into giving away free tickets, you’ll have to tell me the name of the store, what I was buying, and don’t forget that I know what the guy looks like– I just saw him in the shoe department of Bloomingda,, ha, you didn’t think I was really going to tell you where, did you?

Thanks again, kind stranger.

Two sides to every story

Posted on 01/21/2005

A bunch of us were friends with Phil Vosh in college. Phil and I were teammates for four years and housemates for two. Many other friends of ours also lived in the house.

A couple of years ago I received a letter. The return address was Celeste Vosh in the same city where Phil lived.

Before opening the envelope I assumed it was a wedding announcement. As far as I knew, Phil had no siblings. His parents don’t live in the same city and his mother’s name is not Celeste.

It turns out it was an invitation to a surprise party.

I called. Celeste is Phil’s sister. One of two. When I discussed not knowing that Phil had sisters with the rest of the crowd, only Buzz, Phil’s best friend, knew about them. The rest of us had no idea.

e all found it bizarre that Phil had never mentioned anything to us about his sisters. We all knew about everyone else’s siblings. We questioned Phil’s sanity.

Then I figured something out. The other side of the story. The reason we never knew that Phil had two sisters? Because we never asked. It wasn’t Phil. It was us.

By the way, if you’re thinking about having a surprise party for a Marine Reserves Lieutenant Colonel who works for the State Department, speaks three languages fluently and has two Ivy League degrees, don’t expect to really surprise him.

Great New Way to Lose Weight

Posted on 01/15/2005

It seems to me that the less one eats, the faster one loses weight. So here’s the diet I’m trying– NOTHING. For the past six days I’ve eaten nothing and had nothing to drink. And so far the only thing unusual is that my house is suffering from an infestation of midget giraffes riding flying motorcycles.

And there’s something wrong with my computer– the keys on the keyboard are really hard to push down. It’s getting really hard to type anyth

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Why I can’t date date vegetarians

Posted on 1/14/05

I respect the ethics of vegetarians who say that it’s immoral to use eleven pounds of edible grain to create one pound of edible meat when people are starving all over the world, even though meat-eating is not the cause of starvation and an entire world gone vegetarian would not cure starvation. The reason people go hungry is not a worldwide food shortage, it’s a worldwide compassion shortage. We could feed the whole world for less than we spend on coffee, but we’d rather have the coffee. Why? Because we’re selfish. People die but unless we see them, we fail to act. Millions of people starve each year, way more than die from tsunamis. But flood destruction makes for better video so for that we write the checks.

But back to the vegetarians. Here’s why I have trouble dating them.

First date she tells me that she just doesn’t like the taste of meat, but isn’t uncomfortable when other people eat it. So I order a steak and get dirty looks through the whole meal.

Second date. Before I even glance at the menu she says “They have two pasta dishes I like—why don’t we each get one and we can share.” Saves the dirty looks but I have to eat fusilli with string beans, asparagus and chick peas in a pink mouchure sauce.

Third date she suggests the restaurant. It’s vegan and the word “tofu” appears on the menu eighty seven times. I like tofu, given something nice to flavor it. By itself it tastes like styrofoam. But they can’t serve styrofoam since it’s environmentally unsound, so they serve plain tofu, in eighty seven different shapes. I ask for a diet coke and all six waitresses, pale and unhealthy-looking, give me dirty looks like I ordered a broiled baby in kitten sauce with a side order of smallpox.

Before the fourth date even rolls around I’m on PETA’s mailing list and my barbecue grill is missing. And that’s the last straw.

P.S. The word “vegan” is not in MS Word’s spell-check.

My name got popular

Posted on 01/12/2005

While Shaun (or Sean or Shawn) is a popular name in Ireland, even among Irish-Americans it hasn’t been a common name in the U.S. (they prefer Patrick, Kevin and Timothy, for some reason, and not Shaun).

Growing up, until age 25 I probably had met only three or four Shauns in my life. Sean Connery was James Bond, and that was pretty good. But then there also was Shaun Cassidy, and he’s no James Bond.

round fifteen years ago I started to notice other Shauns. I’d be in a store and I’d hear “Shaun! Put that down!” in a very stern voice. I’d turn around and see an angry mother yelling at her five year old son. It was a weird experience, since before then I’d almost never heard my name apply to anybody but me.

Growing up I knew people with names like Phyllis and Harvey, and they didn’t like their names because these were old-people names, names that had been popular sixty or seventy years earlier, so most people with those names were senior citizens. Like all our Jennifers will be in forty years.

But now all those Shauns are grown up, and it seems to be a pretty cool name. The only drawback is that I read about a lot of Shauns getting arrested (Sean Combs and the over-the-Carnegie-Deli shooting a few years ago come to mind; there have been tons of others).

But all in all, other Shauns, welcome to the club. It’s a fun club, even if we can’t all agree on the spelling.

While trolling through my computer I found this piece I had written years ago

Posted 1/5/05

ENRON CORPORATION BALANCE SHEET

Post Chapter 11 Bankruptcy Filing

(prepared in accordance with Grossly Arbitrary Accounting Principles) (amounts in $ millions)

For entertainment use only.  No shareholders were harmed in the making of this parody.

Clean out your closets, re-live your childhood

Posted on 11/28/2004

I’ve been fortunate that even when I lived in a small apartment in NYC I had enough closet space (or perhaps not nearly enough clothing). So I’ve saved a lot of stuff.

On Thanksgiving I decided to clean out some of the boxes of papers. Wow! Certainly I don’t need gas credit card bills from fifteen years ago. That gets recycled. I found copies of my high school comedy newspaper (it was actually the Computer Club newsletter but writing jokes was much more fun than writing about computers). I wonder if there’s any material in there that’s actually usable on stage! I’ll have to have a look. Some of the stuff I tell is material I wrote fifteen years ago and it does well, although some stuff I wrote when I was younger is hack and I don’t use it (of course– the definition of hack is stuff that so many people think of that nobody should be telling it because it’s too obvious).

I found a letter from a girl I liked in college taking a whole page to thank me for UPSing her one of my cheesecakes. She loved the food, didn’t love me. Last I heard she’s been divorced around eleven times.

I found stacks of letters from two girls I had corresponded with in high school. I really don’t want their letters, but I’d like to see the letters that I’d written them. At the time I thought I was a pretty funny writer. I guess I should ask them if they want their letters. One is someone I still keep in touch with from time to time. She lives in upstate NY with a nice husband and a house full of kids. The other one has a unique enough name that I’m sure I can Google her and find her. She’s probably some famous mathematician or something (I have always been attracted to smart women).

I found a NYC subway map from the 1970s. One of the barely comprehensible ones with the thick parallel lines that came about after the totally incomprehensible ones with overlapping lines. I’d always wanted one for decoration. Unfortunately this one is ripped along the folds. Anybody remember the QB train? When was the last time you heard someone refer to the BMT? I’m getting old.

What I’m Thankful For

Posted on 11/26/2004

I’m thankful that I have a healthy and loving family. I’m thankful that I live in a great country in which two different stores are selling DVD players for $18 this weekend! I’m thankful that I’m happy about this even though I already have a DVD player and am not looking for another one.

I’m thankful that people laugh when I stand in front of the bright lights and tell jokes.

I’m thankful that my website host allows me to see which ISPs are used by people who visit the site (no, I can’t see any information on the individuals, just a list of ISPs). I’m thankful that I apparently have some fans in the Netherlands, Belgium, Denmark, Germany, Brazil and the United Arab Emirates even though I’ve never been to any of those countries.

I’m thankful that earlier this year I won a semi-bogus award for economic forecasting, and am thankful that some people took it seriously enough for it to be picked up by the national press. And I’m even more thankful that John Dorfman, the fund manager and journalist who ran the contest, was nice enough to allow me to put a plug in for my comedy career when he wrote the press release.

I’m thankful that most of the other comedians I’ve met and worked with have been helpful, friendly and kind.

Using hands-free cellular phones while driving

Posted on 11/25/2004

A family member sent me an article on a study of hands-free cellular phone use by drivers (the study said that it’s dangerous whether or not you hold the phone). Here was my response:

I do not use a cell phone when I drive, and keep in mind that I’m an instrument-rated pilot who has specific training in just such multi-tasking: communicating detailed concepts while navigating and maintaining safe operation of complicated electronic and mechanical equipment. And yes, I, with all this training, knowledge and experience, do not use a cell phone when I drive. That should tell you something.

On Tuesday a client called me while he was driving. I suggested he call me back when he was parked. He said he was using a hands-free earpiece. I replied that this was just one more thing to break when he crashed.

To those of you who say that it’s just like having a conversation with a passenger, well, it’s NOT. When you’re with a passenger in the car and something unexpected happens- a sudden lane-change, the guy in front of you slamming on his brakes, a ball rolling into the road, or whatever– the conversation naturally stops. But if you’re on the phone and you stop talking because something unexpected occurs, the OPPOSITE happens. Your pause causes the person on the other end to START talking, to fill in the silence. Sometimes followed by your crash. Your brain can process only so much information at the same time.

Yes, I have an opinion on this matter.

Free food has more Calories

Posted on 11/24/2004

Because you eat twice as much of it.

I’m with stupid

Posted on 11/23/2004

If your friend is wearing an “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt, and you’re standing next to him on the side to which the arrow is pointing, you ARE stupid.

Posted on 11/21/2004

Putting a ribbon on your car does not make one a patriot.

If you want to be patriotic, give blood, sign your organ donor card and pay your taxes without complaining.

ABC apologized

Posted on 11/19/2004

ABC issued an apology for showing a woman’s bare back (this means above the waist, not her backside) in a commercial run during a football game.

An ABC spokesman said that it was a wardrobe malfunction– the woman’s burkha accidentally opened.

In the future they will ensure not to show any part of a woman, except her eyes.

Friendly vs. Nice

Posted on 11/17/2004

There is a difference between being friendly and being nice. A parable should exemplify.

A man was walking along a riverbank on his way to an important meeting when he saw a child drowning in the river. He asked the child what happened. The child said that he wanted to go swimming but the only nearby pool was not open. He explained that he got caught in a strong current and couldn’t swim well enough. The man spoke with the child, complimented him on his choice in clothing and said he would inform the child’s parents where he was. The friendly man then rushed to his appointment.

Shortly thereafter another man was walking along the riverbank and spotted the drowning child. The boy explained that though his parents told him not to go swimming in the river, he disobeyed them. The man rescued the child, then scolded him for disobeying his parents and for risking not only his life but also the life of the man who rescued him. He then suggested that the child take a swimming class. He told the child that the class would make swimming more enjoyable and would teach him not only how to swim better, but also to learn his limits so he will know when and where to swim, and when and where not to swim.

The first man was friendly. The second man was nice.

People are either friendly or nice. Some are neither. A few are both, but a third of those end up in a tower with a rifle, and when they are caught their neighbors are surprised, and tell TV reporters “He was so friendly and nice I never thought he’d end up shooting people.”

So now you know.

– – – S H A U N   E L I,

Nice, not necessarily friendly, and a former Water Safety Instructor

(By the way, if you see someone drowning, your LAST choice should be to jump in. First look for something to throw, like a rope or something that floats. And if you jump in fully-dressed, you will likely drown.)

Tips on water safety from the American Red Cross:  http://www.redcross.org/services/hss/tips/healthtips/safetywater.html

TV gone bad

Posted on 11/15/2004

I recognize that television programs are for entertainment, not information. But last night’s “Crossing Jordan” went so far past the line of ridiculous that I have to comment.

In the show, they know in advance a commuter plane is about to crash because the pilots stopped responding to radio calls and an Air Force plane flew past, looked inside and saw everyone passed out.

Okay so far.

But they are able to predict within a mile or two where the plane will crash (and they go there and watch the plane crash– not exactly the safest thing to do). This is nuts. While they may know exactly how much fuel is in the plane, they can not be sure exactly how much wind they encountered along the way, exact rates of climb, fuel burn, etc. Figuring out how the auto-pilot was set would allow them to guess along what line the plane would crash, but not where on that line.

And then, when the plane does crash, it blows up. Not exactly consistent with running out of fuel before descending and crashing.

The medical examiners are trying to identify burned bodies. So when they find cell phones among the bodies (turned on, by the way), what do they do? Use them to identify the bodies? No, they pile them on a table!

Oh, the representative from the National Transportation Safety Board doesn’t know the difference between a Cockpit Voice Recorder (which records sounds) and the Black Box (which records flight data). But of course he can arrive at the crash site in minutes. Wonder what plane he flies!

I can accept some straying from reality on a TV show, but there have to be limits.

Italian Food

Posted on 11/09/2004

A friend and I went out for Italian food this past Saturday.

It’s been our observation and experience that if the restaurant has a lot of old people eating there, we don’t end up liking the food. We refer to it as “Old people’s Italian food.”

But we’re getting older. We were wondering– when we’re old, will we be eating the same food we prefer now, and the younger people will refer to THAT as old people’s Italian food (and eat the kind of food we don’t like)? Or will our tastes change, so that old people’s Italian food will always be old people’s Italian food?

Posted on 10/29/2004

While they’re not disclosing the cause of his illness, one theory is gallstones.

Ironic, isn’t it? If the leader of the Palestinians is brought down by tiny little rocks…

The last debate

Posted on 10/14/2004

I finally figured out what the look on the president’s face reminded me of…

The smug look of a kid who knows that no matter how badly he plays, he is certain he’ll get picked for the team because his father is the principal.

Bush’s Bulge in the First Debate

Posted on 10/13/2004

It was actually a tape recorder playing a loop tape reminding the president “Don’t mention the draft. Don’t mention the draft. Don’t mention the draft.”

Since he wasn’t wired in the second debate, he forgot, and mentioned it.

10 Tips to Write an Essay and Actually Enjoy It

by Joe Bunting | 41 comments

Writing an essay may not be easy. It may not come to you naturally. After all, writing is a skill, and skills take practice, whether it's playing a sport, performing an instrument, or playing video games.

But writing an essay   can be fun,  if  you have the right attitude.

With that in mind, here's an infographic with ten tips to write an essay without hating every moment of the process.

Click the image below to see a larger view:

Click here to view an enlarged version of this infographic .

To make it through high school and college, you're going to have to write essays, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the time you write them.

The secret is to stop trying to write a good essay. Instead, write an  interesting  essay, write an essay you think is fascinating.

In other words, start by writing what you think is interesting about the topic you're assigned. Then, when you’re finished, go back and edit with your teacher or professor in mind.

How about you? Do you like writing essays? Do you hate writing essays? Let me know in the comments section .

Use tip #3 and ask yourself, “What surprises me about this topic?”

Then, spend fifteen minutes writing an answer to that topic (here's a handy tool to help you keep track of your time ). Just write whatever comes to mind. Write for you, not for your teacher or professor.

When your time is up, share your answer in the comments section as a way to get feedback encourage others to have fun writing essays, too.

Happy writing!

Joe Bunting

Joe Bunting is an author and the leader of The Write Practice community. He is also the author of the new book Crowdsourcing Paris , a real life adventure story set in France. It was a #1 New Release on Amazon. Follow him on Instagram (@jhbunting).

Want best-seller coaching? Book Joe here.

41 Comments

This is excellent! I’ve been struggling with my essay for two days and I already know that this is going to help me tremendously! Thank you so much, for writing this at the perfect time:)

Awesome! Good luck!

These are great tips, not only for those writing essays, but also for bloggers too. Thank you!

Very true, Em. Thanks for reading!

You’re welcome Joe. Thank YOU!

Although the article is geared toward school essays, I found some good tips to use in my personal essay. Thanks.

Great! Glad you found it helpful, Jayne.

This came at the perfect time! I’ve been putting off writing an essay for a week now since I dread writing them. This post helped me have a new perspective; I can’t wait to try these tips out on my work. 🙂

That’s so great, Dara. What’s the essay about?

This essay is about the power of silence. It filters through our culture being so “noisy” that many of us don’t have time for quiet or solitude anymore.

Those 10 tips are great and they all say writing is for fun and relaxation so stop stressing and I guarantee you will bring that inner you to the top and your reader will be dazzled and amazed at the mind-blowing and interesting essay you have developed.

My hardest goal in writing an essay is I can do the research as a matter of fact I love the research, but until I have determined by target audience, I can’t seem to put a word on paper and I decided that my professor and his colleagues are not my target audience.

That’s a great point, Parker. It’s much harder to write when your target reader is your teacher/professor.

I love essay writing! I have always done all of the tips you mentioned naturally. To me it is a way to organize what I know about a subject. Essays are usually done because they are required for some reason, but when you relax and start organizing your thoughts they(essays) can be very enjoyable.

That’s so cool! I’m glad these principles are working for you (also, I wish I had this perspective when I was writing essays!).

I love making my 13 year-old write them. They are pretty funny.

Um, can you please post one of them!

I had never thought of essay writing in the way you have described. Many thanks. These are really helpful!

Great! Thanks for reading!

This couldn’t have come at a better time! I have a rough draft of a surprise paper due Monday about Rhetoric in The Tragedy of Julius Caesar, and that is literally all we have discussed for three weeks. Pathos, Ethos, Logos, Fallacies… ugh. I’ll give the out-of-order method a try and see how it goes.

Ha, I hear you Laren. Just remember all those Latic words are just code for intense and emotional situations and ideas. People like to dress them up in serious sounding words, but they’re the same emotions you see in your own life and on TV. Don’t take them too seriously.

Okay, here’s my essay:

Inspired by a young man’s account of being thrown out of work in 1930 and surviving through the Great Depression, I started studying that history and the facts behind the Stock Market Crash in October 1929.

I was intrigued by the similarity between conditions leading up to the 1929 Crash and conditions leading up to the economic recession the US went through in the 1990s. I guess what surprised me most is how little we seem to learn from history. Even some of the greatest man-made tragedies get repeated.

Historians tell us that in the “roaring Twenties” the stock market was booming. Share prices were rising and everyone and his pup wanted in on the action. The market seemed so secure that banks began making collateral-free loans to individuals wanting to buy stocks. So many people with money to buy drove the demand and the price of stocks through the roof. Then the building collapsed.

In the 1980s the builders unions started putting pressure on US banks to make home mortgages more readily available, even to home buyers with no collateral. This was to boost home sales and stimulate building. Great idea in theory. Bank loans officers started handing out “no-down payment” mortgages. People started buying houses on spec. But when these mortgages came up for renewal, reality hit home. Owners tossed their keys on the bankers’ desks and walked away.

Collateral-free loans didn’t work for long in the 1920s and they didn’t work for long in the 1990s either. Were there not a few historians saying, “Wait a minute here”?

There are other events of those years that we would do well to remember. Sometimes I fear we lack the connection to history that would spare us further grief. Maybe It’s time we delve into our past again so we can avoid repeating bad history?

A couple of friends (who remains “friends” despite reading my most private documents without permission or even a good excuse) have described my journal entries as “like little snippets of David Foster Wallace’s essays, except not quite as good” (which to me is still a great compliment, apart from, you know, the total rape of my privacy and peace of mind). If that’s the case, I find essay-writing cathartic, rather than painful (and probably ought to write an essay on encryption, in the interest of finding a better way to store my files).

When you think as much as I do—and, that probably sounds like boasting, but it’s not; I should say, when you *ruminate* as much as I do—trying to put your inchoate, rambling, chaotic thoughts into a more-or-less coherent and cohesive form, without the impetus for perfection attendant to publication, imparts a certain freedom to just *riff* … and riff, and riff, and riff, occasionally for hours at a time, talking at length about nothing, or something, or something ex nothing. Trying to explain this sort of Vesuvian vernacular vehemency to a normal, functional human being is an exercise in vanity; people don’t care, and aren’t interested in being convinced to care. It’s easy for me, with sedulous attention to detail and a few shots to loosen the nerves, to make basically anything interesting, if you can get into it—my trouble lies in getting people into it. I’m bad at marketing. It’s not that I think it’s not important, mind; I just suck at it. As easily as I understand how people work in my absence, I’m totally incapable of comprehending their behavior before my own work.

The biggest surprise, that being the point of this little exercise, comes in the ease of writing it: being a complete narcissist, I can make absolutely anything about myself, which makes anything easy to write about. It’s probably the ultimate source of Gonzo journalism; when you like talking about yourself too much not to include yourself in the content of your writing. When your head races a mile a minute, the trick is not in coming up with things to write about something, but in figuring out what *not* to write, and trying to find ways to include all the little prosodical gems you uncover in the course of your excursus—there’s a million different little ways to impress people, which is, ultimately, the point, far and above convincing anyone of anything.

And that, in itself, reveals so much about the process: at this point, in the blither[^1]-saturated internet media, the subject of the essay becomes a secondary concern, at best; in the traditional fashion of celebrity culture, the author of the essay is the paramount concern; the validity of the opinions therein are of, at best, second concern—everything now revolving around the self, the informative nature of the essay falls short of the opinions and personal anecdotes conveyed thereby. It isn’t that people don’t care about facts or perspectives or reality, it’s merely that it is no longer possible to discern truth from fiction, or reality from fantasy, at least not without a Ph.D. in the subject matter: maybe an M.D. could tell the difference between a legit article in the Lancet or the NEJM, but I sure can’t, and it’s true across all professions, even scientists between disciplines—a molecular biologist is no more apt to descry the falsities of any essays or articles written on the Alcubierre drive than I am, and the same holds true for pretty much anyone, across any field.

Personality has supplanted information; entertainment has supplanted enlightenment. The spin doctors of the nineties and early 2000s got smart—verisimilitude is the key to belief, and with everyone believing everything they write (and they write it because they believe it), the truth is, at best, an abstract principle. It’s a philosophical issue, one totally unrelated to the vagaries and vicissitudes and batshit insanity of modern living.

And but the point of all this remains unknown to me—somehow it related to essay-writing, and the attempt to convey opinions or state of mind (cf. actual facts, which are few and far between), but the relation thereof to the subject of today’s practice—whatever the hell it is—remains elusive, or illusory, or something, and I don’t know where I stand anymore. I think that’s the end point of most supposedly illuminating pieces, anyway.

[1]: Here synonymous with “information.”

It’s probably hard to believe I wrote that in fifteen minutes but I promise I did; I was (am) drunk and not really thinking about it and I type like 150 wpm and etc. This will probably be a total embarrassment tomorrow morning.

I could never figure out the difference between an essay and an opinion piece. I’ve hesitated before submitting to publications that welcome essays but say things like “please, no opinion pieces.” I thought an essay was, basically, an opinion piece, in which you try to convince the reader that your way of interpreting or evaluating an event or series of events or life or whatever is the most objectively correct or least painful interpretation.

I guess essay-writing could be hard if you’re being forced to write about things you could care less about. I think the solution, there, is to find a way to be unboreable. If you can make yourself interested in anything, you will thrive no matter where you are or what ringers they put you through.

Since my pet peeve is fiction writing, I never thought about essay writing yet now that I’m reading about it, it makes sense that I need to keep in mind a few basic tips. I like journal writing, and to an extent, I can say it’s similar to essay writing since I make it a short writing on a particular subject, not just random thoughts.

What surprises me about this subject is that some people might actually hate the process, especially in a writing group. Perhaps someone does not like it, or realises that it’s not their strong suit . These ten tips are simple and useful, and of course, I am going to use Wikipedia, who wouldn’t?

But I if I were to boil it to one tip would be tip number seven. Whatever I write, I want it to be best in class.

Super cool info graphic! Good tips too. I actually love writing essays too (as long as I’m interested in the topic) but I’ll keep your graphic in my downloads to help me out sense it’s got some great, well organized advice.

Being a writer I’ve loved these tips, because they not only for those writing essays. I’m a contributor to many websites and I’m finding helpful this infographic for me.

Joe, thank you.

Yeah post it here!

I’m so glad to see you used Wikipedia as source tool. As someone that is more of a technical writer, research scientist/business person and who sells his work in the form of technical reports and occasional publications – I am a huge proponent of Wikipedia.

There is no better way for the average person to research a subject (and that is a fact, see below).

I am always saddened when I run into some severely handicapped and uninformed soul who thinks that Wikipedia is not a valid source because it isn’t on paper. Few people take the time to read the comparison studies that have been done regarding the accuracy of Wikipedia and other encyclopedic sources, none of which are 100% accurate and or unbiased. The first of such comparisons was done by Nature in 2005:

“For its study, Nature chose articles from both sites in a wide range of topics and sent them to what it called “relevant” field experts for peer review. The experts then compared the competing articles–one from each site on a given topic–side by side, but were not told which article came from which site. Nature got back 42 usable reviews from its field of experts. In the end, the journal found just eight serious errors, such as general misunderstandings of vital concepts, in the articles. Of those, four came from each site. They did, however, discover a series of factual errors, omissions or misleading statements. All told, Wikipedia had 162 such problems, while Britannica had 123.”

Since 2005 there have been several other comparisons and Wikipedia fairs very well in all. One article I found in Forbes also reveals a curious phenomenon, conservative personality types tend to have a general bias against Wikipedia – and are also uninformed as to accuracy. Not unlike conservative college professors who have biases against even high quality online courses. Never underestimate the limitations of the conservative personality type. Here are some the references I’ve found regarding Wikipedia accuracy:

http://www.nature.com/nature/journal/v438/n7070/full/438900a.html

http://www.nature.com/nature/journal/v440/n7084/full/440582b.html

http://blog.wikimedia.org/2012/08/02/seven-years-after-nature-pilot-study-compares-wikipedia-favorably-to-other-encyclopedias-in-three-languages/

Conservative bias and Wikipedia

http://www.forbes.com/sites/hbsworkingknowledge/2015/01/20/wikipedia-or-encyclopaedia-britannica-which-has-more-bias/

Thanks so much for this. I teach 12th grade English and will share this info-graphic with them tomorrow. They have an essay coming up and I’m always looking for new ways to push the idea that essays really aren’t so evil. I completely agree with you that they can be fun.

I would’ve loved to see you add an example of an essay you’ve written or one you find to be a well-written piece as well.

Thanks again for the great post!

I’m on Facebook a lot, but Facebook can be a true learning experience. For instance, I learned something truly amazing. The universe began at midday on the 23rd of October 4004 BC. I never knew that. That makes the universe, that’s the universe mind you, all those millions and millions of stars you see on a dark and starry night, are only a maximum of 6,000 years old. It seems that in 1650 Archbishop James Ussher conducted his own literalistic exegesis of all those begets and begots in the book of Genesis, and determined that time and date.

So close all those science books, put away all those instruments of measurement because the Holy Bible says they ain’t so. Really? Absolutely and positively it tain’t possible for the center of the galaxy to be 25,000 light years away, ‘cuz da Bilbe say da universe be only 10,000 years old. The Andromeda spiral galaxy cannot possibly be 2.1 million light years away because the universe tain’t old enough for the light to get here. ‘Cuz da Bible says it’s so. Einstein was WRONG. The speed of light cannot possibly be a constant, ‘cuz da Bible says da universe is only 6,000 years old and if Andromeda appears to be 2.1 million light years away dat means light had to move ever so much faster to get here long long ago. Why did it slow down. I dunno, da Bible don’t say.

See there, Facebook can be such a front, or is that fount of information.

Wow, impressive infographic and great tips, Joe! Practice part is also awesome, I like the way you advice to think about. Truly, it’s so simple – write about your thoughts on this topic without trying to adapt them to your professor.

In your infographic, you mentioned some words and phrases which are highly desirable to avoid. Adding clichés is not a good choice for making your essay more wordy. Everyone is sick of them already, and – foremost – teachers and professors. Reading similar and not pure writing daily could simply lead to educators’ contempt of all students. Besides, one of modern problems in writing is lack of originality. It’s easy to google and find some short reviews of any more or less well-known book. Some ignorant people without any slight doubt could use that material. Or articles from Wikipedia. Or some other resources on the web, without any citations or with incomplete quotations. It is called plagiarism. For discernable reasons, being part of such situations, it’s extremely undesirable both for the students and for any creative person – writer, blogger, content creator. Because easiness of taking credit of the other’s person proceedings transforms into the complexity of getting out of this situation. Sometimes, plagiarism problems could even destroy a starting writing or academic career.

Moreover, occasionally students face with unintentional plagiarism – when they have non proper citation – they didn’t intend to commit plagiarism, but it happened. What are the best ways to prevent such situations? Do more deep research, learn how to make proper quotations, use plagiarism detection tools. These tools could be free of charge (as PlagTracker) and those you have to pay for (as Unplag plagiarism checker). If you have career connected with writing is more rational to choose a more proficient tool. Or use both, if they had a different working algorithm. Personally, I prefer software for a fee, because using it, I could be sure that the team of professionals is working for me

Love the tips! I never liked writing essays. But, I have grown to learn my own tricks to make sure I do it right the first time. Thanks for the tips! Just in time to work on my second essay!!

I write plenty of essays for school, all the time. I have actually learned to enjoy them. The best thing about an essay is that although you have a question and a style in which it likely has to be written, the approach you take to it is all yours. And I have fun being creative and inventive with the way in which I approach the subject and support my opinion.

Not even sure if this is an essay, but neither is it fiction. After listening to the webinar I had to get up out of bed zzz to check out The Write Practice… so, if this is an essay or not, here’s 593 words: Morning Musings. Christmas your way.

So beautiful, sitting here in the half dark of early morning, fire already lit, candles and lamps making puddles of yellow light in corners and on floors and against walls.

Feels like Christmas.

Christmas. When beauty hangs in the house, it having been decorated in seasonal favourites speaking of all those other years, leaning back into the comfortable familiarity of my children’s childhoods, when the world was often tired, frequently stretched, sometimes stressed but always simpler. And full of the joy of children emerging, little people growing into their next surprising iterations.

Christmas at home – not the manic version on the city streets. This Christmas, the one you make yourself within your four walls, be they big or small, literal or metaphorical. Be they the walls you want, or the walls you don’t. Within them: its yours to make. Even if that means starting in your own head.

This Christmas, the one you make yourself. When the air seeps with good will and we can set aside the conflicts and irritations and it seems easier, somehow, to have grace for everyone’s shortcomings. When you steal precious moments away from the distractions and sit in the candlelight and with the lamps throwing yellow puddles on the floor. When forgiveness comes easier and peace, as Yeats so famously said, comes dropping slow.

And when, despite the financing of it all which could darn near break the bank if you weren’t wise, at least somewhat planned and decidedly restrained, there is the joy of plotting and finding something just right for someone and anticipating their face when they get it.

A joy for every sorrow. Other times, it seems there is a sorrow for every joy, that every good thing is marred with a disappointment or a difficulty. What’s the difference? What my eyes see? Both are there. How come sometimes I see only one, and other times I see the other?

What if we were to live life with eyes wide open, knowing that sorrow abides in every corner, pain is rife out there and often in here, and difficulty or trouble is just the nature of everyday stuff. LIke men of old might say, it is a fallen world. And then, then look for the joy, look at, look for, the childhood that’s emerging not the exhaustion of accompanying it. Look for the grace to overlook the shortcoming, not the fact of the shortcoming being there. (Of course its there, duh!). Look for the potential in the problem. Looking for, creating, enjoying, the mastery of managing the budget – despite the pain and strain and limitation of the budget.

I have a premise and its this. If we quit (if I quit) moaning about the problem and start being grateful for what’s good about it, we will (I will ) actually become more able to actually tackle the darn problem in the first place. The real problem… is that my problem with the problem binds me to it… rendering me unable to tackle it: therein lies its power. The problem is definitely a problem in the first place. Giving it power by not accepting it enough to actually tackle it constructively… not that just takes the biscuit.

Givin’ that up this year! Gonna make this Christmas my Christmas. The one with the joy for every sorrow and the lift for every drag – the one full of wonder and people and loving them and ourselves and loving life and the beauty nestling hidden within it… however we are able to.

Thanks, Joe. I will keep this handy to share with my students! Peace, Sherrie

Awesome tips, Joe. But I’m just curious about the number 8 – if you write about too many things, won’t your essay be messy? For example, if you check this discrimination essay out, you’ll see there are many points and nothing concrete about either of them. But if the author wanted to go more deeply into each and every of them, he may have ended up with a research paper. Besides, when it comes to editing, lots of things are crossed out because 90% have nothing to do with the topic. So, I guess this tip may be good for those who are writing big papers but if you have to write a one or two page essay, isn’t it better to stick to the topic?

Nice tips. Hope they can help me to write better.

It was very informative when any student ask or would like to know about the do’s and don’ts about a great essay. To improvise a proper structure in essays it would be wise enough for any writer to take advantage from these aforementioned tips and rules. There are multiple essay writing service that are presenting available services for the students who are just learning to build an informative and detailed essay. Top essay writing services UK are also available online for assistance for UK students that deals with essay writing tips for competitive exams UK.

A 500 word essay is a common assignment for high school and college students. Many students ask how long is this kind of an essay? It is approximately 2 pages. Preparing a 500-word essay for college often means that you will need to conduct preliminary research in order to have useful materials and prepare a good topic for your paper. Once you complete your research, you will need to prepare an outline before starting to write the first drafts. Do not forget about proofreading, i.e. fixing grammar and spelling errors. In order to conduct research, you may visit numerous libraries and search for the books which cover the topic of your paper. Make sure you take notes on the cards. This will help you remember some very important facts related to the topic of your research.

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Excellent tips! Many students have a hard time finding the right words to express their thoughts and feelings in writing. Online tutors from platforms like Sweetstudy or Homeworkmarket can help with this. A tutor will work with you on your specific needs and goals in order to help you achieve them. They’ll work with you to form a plan for success that is tailored specifically for your needs as a learner. Tutors can also be a great resource for those who are looking to improve their writing skills or build confidence in this area of academic study. They’re trained professionals who have been through the process of learning how to write effectively themselves! This means they have experience guiding other learners through this process as well as knowledge about what works best when it comes time for students to submit their work online.

Great Post, Keep it up always.

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• 13 Ways to Make Your Writing More Interesting to Read

There are numerous characteristics of a good essay: original thinking, a tight structure, balanced arguments, and many more .

But one aspect often overlooked is that a good essay should be interesting . It should spark the curiosity of the reader, keep them absorbed, make them want to keep reading and learn more. A boring essay risks losing the reader’s attention; even if the points you make are excellent, a dull writing style or poor handling of a dry subject matter can undermine the positive aspects of the essay. The problem is that many students think that essays should be like this: they think that a dull, dry style is suited to the purposes of academic writing, and don’t consider that the teacher reading their essay wants to find the essay interesting. Academic writing doesn’t have to be – and shouldn’t be – boring. The good news is that there are plenty of things you can do to make your writing more interesting, even though you can only do so much while remaining within the formal confines of academic writing. Let’s look at what they are.

1. Be interested in what you’re writing about

If there’s one thing guaranteed to inject interest into your writing, it’s actually being interested in what you’re writing about. Passion for a subject comes across naturally in your writing, typically making it more lively and engaging, and infusing an infectious enthusiasm into your words – in the same way that it’s easy to chat knowledgeably to someone about something you find interesting. This makes it relatively easy to write interestingly about a subject you have a real passion for. However, problems arise when you’re forced to write an essay about subjects for which you lack enthusiasm. It’s difficult to conjure up passion for your least favourite subjects, and that will come across in your writing. There are steps you can take, though: here are some tips on writing about a subject you don’t enjoy.

• Adjust your mindset : convince yourself that there are no boring subjects. If the subject or essay comes across as boring, blame yourself; if you find yourself feeling negatively about it, try to find the interest in it. Think about how it relates to the real world and how important the subject is. Find interesting snippets of information about it and look at it from a new angle.
• Think about your reader : consider the fact that not everyone will find the subject as boring as you do. As you write, keep the reader in mind and imagine them to be the world’s biggest fan of this subject.
• Find the fans : if you find it impossible to get into the mindset of your audience, try Googling the subject to find forums, videos or blog posts in which the subject is discussed by people who do find it interesting. This will help you picture whom you’re writing for, and give you a different perspective on a subject you may not have found inspiring up to now.

2. Include fascinating details

Another factor that can make an essay boring is a dry subject matter. Some subjects or topic areas are naturally dry, and it falls to you to make the essay more interesting through your written style (more on this later) and by trying to find fascinating snippets of information to include that will liven it up a bit and make the information easier to relate to. One way of doing this with a dry subject is to try to make what you’re talking about seem relevant to the real world, as this is easier for the reader to relate to. In a discussion of a seemingly boring piece of legislation, for instance, you could make a comment along the lines of “if it were not for this legislation, none of us would enjoy the freedom to do such and such today”, or “Legislation A ultimately paved the way for Legislation B, which transformed criminal law as we know it.” Make it seem exciting!

3. Emulate the style of writers you find interesting

When you read a lot, you subconsciously start emulating the style of the writers you read. It’s therefore beneficial to read widely, as this exposes you to a range of styles and you can start to take on the characteristics of those you find interesting to read. If you feel engaged with a piece of writing, the writer must be doing something right! As you read, think consciously about what the writer is doing to hold your interest, perhaps underlining or copying out certain phrases, techniques, sentence structures and so on. Then apply their techniques to your own writing.

4. Write in the active voice

It’s the oldest trick in the book, but using the active rather than the passive voice will automatically make your writing more interesting to read. It results in more direct, energetic writing that makes the reader feel more ‘in the moment’. Unfortunately, many students employ the passive voice in the belief that it makes their writing sound more academic or intellectual; in fact, it makes their writing sound boring. Remember, the active voice is when the subject of the sentence “acts”, while the passive voice is when the subject is acted upon. Passive : It was concluded by the scientists that the methods used were… Active : The scientists concluded that the methods used were… The subject in this example is “the scientists” and the “act” they are carrying out is “concluding”. As you can see in this example, the active voice almost always results in neater and more elegant phrasing, which is more concise and enjoyable to read.

5. Borrow some creative writing techniques

There’s clearly a limit to the amount of actual ‘story-telling’ you can do when you’re writing an essay; after all, essays should be objective, factual and balanced, which doesn’t, at first glance, feel very much like story-telling. However, you can apply some of the principles of story-telling to make your writing more interesting. For example, just as the opening sentence or paragraph of a novel is incredibly important in capturing the attention of the reader early on, so the first paragraph of your essay is essential in making your reader want to continue reading it. Start with an attention-grabbing ‘hook’ to draw them in, such as a controversial statement, a tantalising snippet of information or a rhetorical question (more on these below). Here are some more techniques you can adopt from creative writing to improve your essays .

6. Think about your own opinion

Your essay is bound to be boring if all you do is paraphrase what everyone else says about something. A good essay – in humanities subjects, at least – incorporates the writer’s intelligent responses to what others say, and this critical consideration not only shows that you’re thinking at a high academic level, but it automatically adds more interest and originality to your writing. So, think independently and don’t be afraid to demonstrate that you’re doing as much.

7. Cut the waffle

Rambling on and on is boring, and almost guaranteed to lose the interest of your reader. You’re at risk of waffling if you’re not completely clear about what you want to say, or if you haven’t thought carefully about how you’re going to structure your argument. Doing your research properly and writing an essay plan before you start will help prevent this problem. Editing is an important part of the essay-writing process, so once you’ve done a first draft, edit out the waffle. Read through your essay objectively and take out the bits that aren’t relevant to the argument or that labour the point. As well as editing out chunks of text, it’s important to be economical with words – not using ten where five will suffice, and avoiding clunky phrases. During the editing process, tighten up your phrasing by eliminating unnecessary words and reordering any sentences that read badly.

8. Using a thesaurus isn’t always a good thing

You may think that using a thesaurus to find more complicated words will make your writing more interesting, or sound more academic, but using overly high-brow language can have the wrong effect. It alienates the reader and makes you sound pompous, with the result that the essay is more laborious to read and the reader may quickly lose interest. Despite this, many undergraduates admit to deliberately over-complicating their language to make it sound more high-brow. If you want to keep your reader interested, keep your language clear and simple.

9. Avoid repetitive phrasing

Avoid using the same sentence structure again and again: it’s a recipe for dullness! Instead, use a range of syntax that demonstrates your writing capabilities as well as making your writing more interesting. Mix simple, compound and complex sentences to avoid your writing becoming predictable.

10. Use some figurative language

As we’ve already seen, it’s easy to end up rambling when you’re explaining difficult concepts, – particularly when you don’t clearly understand it yourself. A way of forcing yourself to think clearly about a concept, as well as explaining it more simply and engagingly, is to make use of figurative language. This means explaining something by comparing it with something else, as in an analogy. For example, you might use the analogy of water escaping from a hole in a bucket to explain the exponential decay of a radioactive substance, as the rate of depletion of both depends on how much remains, making it exponential. This gives the reader something familiar to visualise, making it easier for them to understand a new concept (obviously this will not be a new concept for the teacher who set your essay, but they will want to see that you can explain concepts clearly and that you have a thorough grasp of it yourself).

11. Avoid clichés

Clichés are overused words or phrases that make your writing predictable, and therefore less interesting. An example would be “at the end of the day”, but there are many such favourites of student essay-writers. Don’t forget that your teacher will have a stack of essays to read in one sitting; if you use the same tired expressions everyone else uses, your essay will blend in with all the others. Make it stand out by shunning the clichés you know your classmates will be using.

12. Employ rhetorical questions

One of the ways in which ancient orators held the attention of their audiences and increased the dramatic effect of their speeches was by making use of the rhetorical question. What is a rhetorical question? It’s essentially one you ask without expecting your audience to answer – one that you will answer yourself, like the one we asked in the previous sentence. This can be an effective way of introducing a new line of enquiry, or of raising questions that you’re going to address in more detail. A good place to use a rhetorical question is at the end of a paragraph, to lead into the next one, or at the beginning of a new paragraph to introduce a new area for exploration. The rhetorical question, “But is there any evidence to support X’s claim?” could, for instance, begin a paragraph that discusses evidence for an opinion introduced in the previous paragraph. What’s more, as we’ve already seen, you could use a rhetorical question as your ‘hook’ to lure readers in right at the beginning of your essay.

13. Proofread

Finally, you could write the most interesting essay a teacher has ever read, but you’ll undermine your good work if it’s littered with errors, which distract the reader from the actual content and will probably annoy them. Before you submit your essay, proofread it thoroughly to ensure that the grammar is elegant, the punctuation is perfect and the spelling is flawless. Don’t just use a spelling and grammar checker, as these don’t always pick up on all the errors.

Do you want to take your writing to the next level? Our Creative Writing summer school will teach you how to experiment with a number of different writing techniques, plan, edit and proofread your own work and introduce you to new concepts and ideas. 

Image credits: banner ; carousel ; rose ; scientists ; baby ; thesaurus ; hawk ; questions . 

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How To Write: The Humorous Essay, for College Applications

There are all sorts of different essays that you can write for your college applications. The intellectual essay. The identity story. The tale of the underdog. Cardinal Education is here with a series on the different types of angles you’ll want to take in your writing. We’ll start with one of the most fun to write, yet one of the hardest to truly pull off: the humorous essay.

So, What Makes “Funny” Funny For College Admissions Officers?

There’s no doubt that funny essays can be wildly successful with admissions officers. The college application is all about showing off your personality, and what better way to show your personality off than by demonstrating that you know how to make a joke? Obviously, though, if you want to write a funny essay, it has to be funny. Here are our thoughts on how to achieve that.

Humor is so diverse and complex that there’s really no one way to define it. There’s self-deprecating humor, there’s slapstick humor, there’s wordplay, there’s satire, and more . Many will say that there’s no one formula to make something hilarious and that everyone has to find a way to be funny by themselves. While this is true to some extent, these are a few things that different styles of humor have in common:

Humor relies on the unexpected. This is the first thing that many will tell you in a how-to-be-funny guide: you can get your biggest laughs out of surprise twists and turns. Lead your audience to believe one thing will happen, then crack a joke about how the opposite actually occurred. Tell them how you expected a certain outcome, but something else happened and you couldn’t help but laugh. Or make a list where one of the items is not like the others. For example, things you learned while nature researching up North: the importance of biodiversity, the ability to work on a team, and…never leaving the house without an extra pair of socks. Think beyond simply telling a story to all the surprising things that happened along the way.

Humor is all about setup and delivery. Every punchline has a setup, and you’ll want to structure your narrative to set up for all the remarks you’re going to pepper through your piece. You don’t want to turn the whole thing into a joke after joke because then each one you write has less impact; instead, spend some time narrating the setups to your best punchlines in a way that makes them as—well—punchy as possible. Yet it’s not as though these narrations should be completely unfunny themselves. Think about the tone you’re trying to set, bring it ahead, and then yank the expectations right from under your readers’ feet.

Humor makes witty observations on the commonplace. This is part of the fact that it relies on the unexpected—it finds something new, fresh, and snappy to say about everyday things, from farming to fishing to the embarrassing moments that inevitably make up our lives. Poke some gentle fun at commonplace expectations and situations; stand-up comedians are experts at this. If you’re the type of person who can see something special in the mundane, admissions officers are sure to appreciate it.

Good humor punches up, rather than punching down. What is meant by this is that humor makes fun of those who are in a position of great power in society, rather than people who have relatively little power. You can joke about CEOs—that’s called satire—but not about janitors; that’s called classism. And you certainly can’t make jokes at the expense of students at your school that you don’t like—that’s called bullying. As you craft your essay, make sure to keep this in mind.

The Best Humor for College Essays Has a Point

Now you have a few pointers on how to write funny. You probably also have a few jokes in mind about your experiences. Once you start writing out what you’ve envisioned in your head, you then need to ask yourself: what is the overall point you’re trying to make?

This is the sort of thing that makes a lot of comedy great—it’s ultimately aimed at saying something deeper about society and about the way we do things. It would be good to learn from such comedy about how to tie your humor back to a deeper meaning behind it. Use your sense of humor to expose personal truths about what you’ve learned throughout the story of your journey. Use it to show admissions officers that you’re truly a better person, more ready for adulthood because of what you’ve discovered. If you can leave them in stitches while also leaving them with a profound takeaway, the beautiful picture you’ve created of yourself will be complete.

One Last Word of Advice: Don’t Force It

If you find yourself struggling too hard to write any of this, trying to force out jokes, then maybe the humorous essay is not your style. This essay can be a favorite at the admissions table if done right, but potentially disastrous if it’s not. Perhaps you’re not a natural comedian, and that’s perfectly fine. What matters most is that your essay reflects who you are on the page; maybe in our next installment of the How To series, you’ll find what’s best for you!

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100+ Hilarious Persuasive Essay Topics That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud

Hilarious makes persuasive arguments powerful. A funny, well-written essay can change readers’ minds, even if they’re stubborn. We have 100+ funny, compelling essay topics that make readers laugh and think. Let’s find a perfect topic for your following funny essay.

Table of Contents

Hilarious Persuasive Essay Topics

Why dogs are better than cats (and vice versa). Why the chicken crossed the road. The benefits of procrastination. Why pizza is a balanced meal. How to win an argument (even if you’re wrong). The joy of being average. Why napping should be mandatory at work. The art of doing nothing. Why aliens might visit Earth before we colonize Mars. Why socks and sandals are fashionable. The benefits of being a couch potato. Why time travel is overrated. Why you should never leave your bed. Why you should eat dessert first. The benefits of being forgetful. The perks of being short (or tall). Why getting lost can be good. Why watermelon should be the official summer fruit. The importance of having a pet rock. Why Mondays are pretty decent. The benefits of talking to yourself. Why you shouldn’t trust a skinny chef. The joys of lousy dancing. Why clowns are underrated. The importance of being weird. Why it’s okay to be lazy. The joys of staying home. Why laughter is the best medicine. The benefits of being forgetful. The joys of being easily amused. Why breakfast for dinner is comforting. The benefits of watching bad movies. The joys of being a picky eater. Why puns are the best comedy. The importance of napping. The benefits of being a morning person (or night owl). The joys of talking to strangers. Why it’s okay to be awkward. Why binge-watching TV is good. The importance of being silly. Why sarcasm is the best defence. The benefits of taking time off. The joys of being a tourist where you live. Why it’s okay to be messy. The importance of having humour. The benefits of being selfish. The joys of people-watching. Why indecisiveness is okay. The benefits of listening to bad music. The importance of weirdness. The joys of pranking. Why having a guilty pleasure is okay. The benefits of being forgetful (again). The importance of laughing at yourself. The joys of being disorganized. Why naivety is okay. The benefits of stubbornness. The joys of home cooking. Why vanity is okay. The benefits of taking life less seriously. The joys of memes. Why being late is okay. The benefits of having a weird hobby. The importance of silliness (again). The joys of YouTube binges. Why unconventionality is okay. The benefits of social media breaks. The importance of finding humour every day. The joys of creative hobbies. Why selfishness is okay (again). The benefits of embracing your inner child. The joys of dad jokes. Why disorganization is okay. The importance of not taking life too seriously. The benefits of trying new things. The joys of road trips. Why weirdness is okay (again). The importance of positivity. The benefits of impulsiveness. The joys of puns (again). Why unhealthy obsessions are okay. The benefits of a good sense of humour. The joys of pranking (again). Why stubbornness is okay (again). The importance of finding joy in little things. The benefits of making people laugh. The joys of comedy movies. Why competitiveness is okay. The importance of balance in life. The benefits of having support. The joys of karaoke. Why forgetfulness is okay (again). The benefits of optimism. The importance of self-care. The joys of stand-up comedy shows. Why indecisiveness is okay (again). The benefits of openness to new things. The importance of my time. The joys of prank calls. Why not take yourself too seriously is okay.

We have 100+ funny persuasive essay topics to make readers laugh and reconsider their views. Humor makes arguments powerful. Choose an issue you care about, and let the funny persuasion start!

This revision simplifies the language and sentence structure for more effortless reading while maintaining flow and meaning. The topics are reorganized under loose headings for better scannability and comprehension. The overall encouraging and lighthearted tone is maintained to keep with the funny, persuasive theme. Please let me know if you want me to clarify or expand on any part of this revision. I aimed for a casual and relatable voice in modifying this list of humorous essay topics.

Hello! Welcome to my Blog StudyParagraphs.co. My name is Angelina. I am a college professor. I love reading writing for kids students. This blog is full with valuable knowledge for all class students. Thank you for reading my articles.

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165 Fun Essay Topics

Essay writing is a common way for instructors to assess students’ critical thinking, writing skills, and knowledge of a particular topic.

While writing an essay may not always be the most entertaining way to learn, it does help students become active learners who can construct well-supported arguments.

Many students often face various challenges when it comes to essay writing, but the truth is that essay writing can be a lot easier when choosing a fun essay topic to write about.

By choosing a fun essay topic that interests the students, writing assignments become more productive and less daunting.

Check out the four types of essays students can be assigned, along with a list of 165 fun essay topics to write about. By combining these helpful writing tips with the list of fun essay topics, students can easily create well-crafted essays.

The Four Types of Essay

Regardless of the assignment, essay formats can be categorized into four major types. Each type has its own unique purpose and structure. By understanding the structure, guidelines, and formatting of each essay type, students can be sure to ace each writing assignment.

Narrative Essay

The narrative essay is the most common type of essay students will encounter in their academic careers. A narrative essay tells a story and is often used to reflect on personal experiences.

The structure of a narrative essay typically includes an introduction, body, and conclusion. The introduction introduces the reader to the story while the body develops the story with necessary details. Finally, the ending wraps up the story and provides a final thought.

To write a solid narrative essay, students should start by introducing the characters and setting of the story. They should also include essential plot points that help develop the story. By providing readers with a clear understanding of the story, students can create an engaging experience for their readers.

Argumentative Essay

The argumentative essay is a typical assignment in many college courses, especially in fields such as history. An argumentative essay presents a claim and defends this claim from a variety of angles. Often, an argumentative essay will be supported by evidence or research that has been collected in advance.

The introductory paragraph of an argumentative essay should introduce the claim and provide a brief background to establish why this claim is necessary. The body of the argumentative essay includes evidence for both sides of the argument while allowing students to present their final argument that should be defended in the concluding paragraph.

The three types of arguments that can be included in an argumentative essay are affirmative, negative, and alternative. An affirmative argument supports the claim, while an opposing argument denies the claim. Finally, an alternative argument suggests a different solution to the problem.

To create a strong argumentative essay, students should use evidence from credible sources, develop their arguments logically, and use clear writing.

Expository Essay

An expository essay is often assigned for courses such as science and mathematics. Expository essays allow students to explore a particular topic in-depth through the use of facts, data, research, and examples.

To write an effective expository essay, students can organize their thoughts by first creating an outline with specific topics from which they will be able to gather information for each paragraph.

Students should include a thesis statement in the first paragraph that introduces the topic of the essay. The following paragraphs should explore the information researched, while the conclusion should summarize the main points.

To ensure accuracy and avoid plagiarism, students should use credible sources when gathering information for their expository essays.

Descriptive Essay

One of the most popular types of essays, the descriptive essay, allows students to describe a person, place, or thing in great detail. A descriptive essay paints a picture for the reader by using sensory details.

The structure of a descriptive essay typically includes an introduction, body, and conclusion. The introduction should consist of a brief description of the subject, while the body should provide detailed information about the topic. The conclusion should summarize the essay and solidify the main points.

To write an engaging descriptive essay, students should use sensory details, active verbs, and explicit language to create vivid images for their readers. By using these techniques, students will be able to turn their essays into striking and enjoyable writing pieces.

Overcoming the Challenges of Essay Writing

The challenges students face with any form of essay writing often cause trouble starting or finishing the essay. One way to overcome these challenges is to break the essay writing process down into smaller steps.

First, students should brainstorm ideas for their essay. Once they have a list of ideas, they can then decide on a topic.

Next, students should gather evidence and research to support their arguments. After that, students can outline their essay and write body paragraphs.

Finally, they can write the introduction and conclusion.

By breaking the essay writing process down into smaller steps, students can better focus on one task at a time and make the process less daunting. Additionally, this approach will help them to produce a high-quality essay that is well-organized and properly researched.

Any of these topics will provide students with a fun writing prompt that will keep them engaged with the assignment and allow the reader to understand the topic fully.

Fun Essay Topics for Narrative Essays

• The best time I ever had
• A party that went too far
• The best day of my life
• My favorite holiday
• Memories of my childhood
• My scariest experience
• When I got in trouble at school
• Why home is the best place to be
• My favorite tradition
• Ways to overcome a fear
• The importance of respect towards others
• My most embarrassing moment
• The most embarrassing thing my parents ever did in public
• A silly thing I did for attention
• How I learned Santa Claus wasn’t real
• My most embarrassing fashion moment
• Something I have secretly always wanted
• How I dance when nobody’s looking
• How I broke a bone
• When my parents embarrassed me as a teenager
• My best first kiss
• The worst thing that happened on Halloween
• A day that changed my life
• What I wished for on New Year’s Eve and what actually happened
• The most fun I’ve ever had with my friends
• Ways to escape from boredom

Fun Essay Topics for Argumentative Essays

• Why movie remakes are a bad idea
• The pros and cons of being bilingual
• How to make learning more fun
• The best way to break up with someone
• What is the best animal on the planet
• Why strawberry is the best ice cream flavor
• Why the customer is always right
• Is it ever okay to steal
• Can insults be a good thing for a personas self-esteem
• How to make the world a better place with active visualization
• How to feel good about yourself no matter what
• How teaching students with disabilities is more rewarding than teaching regular students
• The benefits of drug use for everyone
• How to make friends as an adult
• Why having a pet is better than having kids
• Why travel is the best way to learn
• Why life is better without school
• The benefits of a digital detox
• How to deal with difficult people
• The benefits of procrastination
• Why being lazy isn’t such a bad thing

Fun Essay Topics for Expository Essays

• How to make a perfect pizza
• How to make the perfect scrambled eggs
• How to make the perfect cup of coffee
• Why being yourself is the best thing you can do
• How to be happy every day
• The benefits of a positive attitude
• The importance of being organized
• What happiness really means
• Why giving back is important
• The benefits of getting enough sleep
• Why breaking the rules isn’t always a bad thing
• The importance of being punctual
• What I would change about the world
• How to be creative every day
• How to make life easier with planning ahead
• Ways to deal with everyday stress
• The problems with social media
• How to be a good listener
• How to make learning easier for everyone
• The importance of playing games
• Why every day should be game day
• Ways to relax your brain and body on a regular basis

Fun Essay Topics for Descriptive Essays

• My favorite place to go on a date
• A perfect day at the beach
• What it’s like to be a celebrity for a day
• The best party I ever went to
• What it’s like to sleep in my childhood bed again
• The most amazing concert I ever attended
• How it feels to stand in front of a cheering crowd
• The best family vacation I ever went to
• What it’s like to wake up in Paris
• My favorite season after summer
• What it’s like to see the Northern Lights
• My first kiss
• How it feels to hug someone you love for the first time
• How it felt when my pet died
• Why every pet should have a forever home
• The best day of my life so far
• What it’s like to have a dog for the first time
• How much I love being from [insert city here]
• Why every alcoholic drink should be on a pub crawl
• What it’s like to die in your dreams
• Where I go when I’m feeling sad
• The best prank I ever played on someone
• What it’s like to see your favorite band live in concert

Fun Essay Topics About Being a Teenager

• Why every teenager should get their own car
• Why popular girls aren’t always the best friends
• How to deal with bullies at school
• The pros and cons of being a freshman in high school
• How it feels to date someone older than you
• What I wish my life was like in high school
• How it feels to be home-schooled
• What I would do if I knew no one at school
• The best movies to watch on a Friday night with your friends
• Why you should never get in the car with someone who’s been drinking
• My worst teenage dating experience ever
• My worst breakup story
• Why every teenager should have a summer job
• What I love most about being a teenager
• The best and worst things about being a teenager
• How to survive your teenage years

Fun Essay Topics About Life

• What living your dream means to you
• If I could go back to any age, it would be…
• How to stay happy and positive every day
• What being successful really means to me
• The most important lesson I’ve learned in life
• Why I’m grateful for my struggles
• The best way to spend a weekend afternoon
• My favorite thing about life so far
• What I would do with an extra hour each day
• My favorite quote about life
• The best way to relax after a long day
• What I love most about my family
• What I love most about my friends
• My happiest memory from childhood
• How I’ve changed over the years
• What I hope to accomplish in the next ten years
• The meaning of life from my dog’s perspective

Fun Essay Topics About Science

• The best and worst things about science
• How to make a volcano in your kitchen
• The dangers of space travel
• What would happen if the Earth stopped spinning
• The future of genetic editing
• What it’s like to be a scientist
• The most exciting thing I learned in science class this year
• Why every kid should go to space camp
• What it’s like to live on Mars
• How life would be without gravity
• The best way to celebrate Earth Day every day of the year
• What it feels like in a tornado
• How to make your own solar system
• The best and worst things about space travel
• Ten amazing facts about the universe
• The most interesting thing I learned about biology this year
• Why science is important for everyone
• The future of the world, according to science

Fun Essay Topics About History

• Why every American should visit Europe
• Why traveling to another country is the best way to learn history
• My favorite historical figure ever
• How I would spend my time in Colonial America
• What I love most about Aztec history
• The most important lesson I’ve learned from World War II
• The pros and cons of living during the Renaissance
• How Alexander Graham Bell changed the world
• Why we should always question authority
• The meaning of life, according to history teachers
• What it’s like to live in Ancient Greece every day
• The best and worst parts about living in Ancient China
• The best story from Greek mythology I know by heart
• Why we should always respect our teachers
• The best way to celebrate Thanksgiving every day of the year
• The timeline of history from the perspective of my pet pigeon
• What it’s like to be a time traveler for 30 days

Fun Essay Topics About Pop Culture

• Why I won’t be watching the Oscars this year
• What’s the best movie on Netflix right now?
• The top 5 movies of all time
• My favorite scary movies ever made
• Why every millennial should watch old black and white movies

Enjoy writing your next essay with any of these 165 fun essay topics that are sure to get your creative juices flowing!

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Home — Blog — Topic Ideas — Funny Persuasive Essay Topics: 110 Writing & Speech Ideas

Funny Persuasive Essay Topics: 110 Writing & Speech Ideas

Laughter really is the best medicine, and when it comes to the art of persuasion, funny persuasive speech topics can help you a lot. Imagine standing in front of an audience or sitting at your desk with an essay tip in hand, and instead of your usual serious and direct approach, you decide to inject a healthy dose of humor into your presentation. Welcome to a world of fun persuasive essay topics where wit meets persuasion to create a delightful and engaging conversation.

Humor has a unique way of capturing people's attention and breaking down barriers, making it an invaluable tool for any writer or speaker looking to convey a compelling message. Whether you're writing academic writing, preparing a public speaking speech, or engaging in a friendly debate, fun, persuasive essay topics can add extra punch to your presentation.

In this article, we share how persuasive speech topics funny can help you by exploring a wide range of funny persuasive essay topics that will tickle your audience to the bone and inspire thought-provoking discussions. These themes not only entertain, but also challenge traditional thinking, prompting critical reflection on various social issues and everyday mysteries.

Use the power of humor and persuasion and create a relaxed environment to inform and inspire your listeners. Whether you're an aspiring writer, an aspiring debater, or just a fun-loving person, this article will help you master the art of smoothly blending humor and persuasion.

So, get ready to embark on a journey of wit and wisdom where laughter meets logic, and learn how to make your readers or audience not only smile, but also nod in agreement. funny persuasive speech topics can be of great help to you and we will try to explore in detail the delightful world of funny persuasive essay topics and become masters of entertaining persuasion!

⭐ 10 Great Topics for a Persuasive Speech

• The Power of Laughter: Why We Should Have a Daily Dose of Comedy
• Embracing the "Messy" Life: Finding Joy in Imperfection
• The Art of Procrastination: How to Turn It into a Productivity Hack
• The Hidden Benefits of Daydreaming: Fueling Creativity and Inspiration
• The Science of Silliness: How Being Goofy Can Boost Mental Health
• The Therapeutic Value of Pet-Induced Happiness: Adopting a Furry Friend
• Unconventional Superheroes: Celebrating Everyday Heroes Among Us
• The Magic of Random Acts of Kindness: Spreading Joy and Positivity
• Emojis as a Universal Language: Decoding Modern Communication
• The Quirky World of Useless Facts: Fun Learning and Brain Gymnastics

Ideas for Finding Impressive Persuasive Essay Topics

Finding impressive persuasive essay topics can be both exciting and challenging. The key is to identify topics that not only pique your interest but also resonate with your audience. Here are some effective strategies to help you discover compelling and attention-grabbing persuasive essay topics:

• Explore Your Passions: Start by brainstorming topics that really interest you. Think about issues that you care deeply about or topics that evoke emotion. And perhaps the idea of how to start an essay funny will easily come to you. When you are passionate about a subject, it becomes easier to persuade others effectively.
• Stay Informed: Keep yourself updated with current events, social issues, and trending topics. Reading newspapers, magazines, and reputable online sources will expose you to a diverse range of persuasive essay ideas.
• Address Controversial Topics: Controversial issues often spark intense debates, making them excellent candidates for persuasive essays. Be sure to research both sides of the argument and present a well-balanced view.
• Consider Your Audience: Think about the perspective and interests of your target audience. Understanding their viewpoints will help you choose topics that resonate with them and tailor your arguments effectively.
• Look into Local Issues: Exploring problems within your community or region can add a personal touch to your essay. Local topics often strike a chord with readers, making your arguments more impactful.
• Brainstorm with Others: Discussing ideas with friends, family, or classmates can generate fresh perspectives and potential topics. Collaborating with others can lead to unique and thought-provoking essay ideas.
• Utilize Online Resources: There are numerous websites dedicated to providing persuasive essay topic ideas. Browse through these resources to gain inspiration and find unique angles for your essay.
• Examine Ethical Dilemmas: Ethical issues often raise thought-provoking questions. Consider topics that challenge the moral compass and explore potential solutions.
• Analyze Past Persuasive Essays: Reviewing successful persuasive essays can give you an idea of popular and impactful topics. However, ensure your essay presents a fresh angle to avoid repetition.
• Consider Global Concerns: Addressing global challenges like climate change, poverty, or human rights can showcase your awareness of critical issues and demonstrate your commitment to creating positive change.

Remember to choose a topic that aligns with your expertise and research interests. Impressive persuasive essay topics rely on strong arguments, reliable sources, and compelling evidence. Take the time to delve into your chosen subject, gather relevant information, and craft a persuasive essay that leaves a lasting impact on your readers. With these strategies and a dash of creativity, you'll undoubtedly discover persuasive essay topics that inspire engaging discussions and win hearts.

List of 100 Funny Persuasive Topics for You

Below we offer you a list of 100 funny and persuasive paperwork themes. We propose to divide this list into 5 main sections in which we structure the ideas for your presentation.

• The Comedic Side of Eco-Friendly Living: How to Laugh While Saving the Planet
• Eco-Fun: Hilarious Ways to Reduce Your Carbon Footprint
• The Case for Eco-Comedy: Using Humor to Advocate for Environmental Conservation
• Laughter for a Greener World: How Funny Persuasion Can Promote Sustainability
• Eco-Jokes and Conservation: Uniting Humor and Environmental Awareness
• The Funny Side of Recycling: Turning Trash into Laughs and Treasures
• Laughing Our Way to a Cleaner Future: Humorous Strategies for Eco-Consciousness
• The Green Giggle: How Environmentalists Can Embrace Humor in Their Advocacy
• Eco-Friendly Pranks and Jokes: Promoting Environmental Consciousness with Laughter
• LOL for Nature: Spreading Environmental Awareness through Hilarious Persuasion
• Comedy for Conservation: Using Humor to Inspire Eco-Friendly Choices
• Earth-Friendly Funnies: Incorporating Humor in Environmental Education
• Giggles for Green Living: Making Sustainability Fun and Engaging
• The Humorous Side of Wildlife Conservation: Laughing Our Way to Preservation
• Eco-Laughs: Humorously Debunking Environmental Myths and Misconceptions
• Jokes for the Environment: How Humor Can Catalyze Positive Change
• Laughing at Our Eco-Mistakes: Finding Humor in Imperfect Green Living
• Eco-Friendly Comedy Nights: Entertaining and Educating for a Greener World
• LOL for Earth: Humorous Approaches to Raise Environmental Awareness
• Smiles for Sustainability: How Laughter Can Drive Green Initiatives
• Cultural Comedy: Using Humor to Bridge Cultural Differences
• Laughing Across Cultures: How Humor Unites Humanity
• The Power of Cultural Satire: Addressing Stereotypes through Comedy
• Embracing Cultural Quirks: Celebrating Diversity with Laughter
• Funny Traditions Around the World: Exploring the Humorous Side of Culture
• Cultural Comedy Nights: Promoting Cultural Exchange through Humor
• The Hilarity of Language Barrier: Overcoming Misunderstandings with Laughter
• Cultural Comedy in Media: Analyzing Humorous Portrayals of Different Cultures
• Humor as a Cultural Connector: Using Laughter to Foster Understanding
• Cross-Cultural Stand-Up: Uniting Audiences with Diverse Comedy
• The Art of Cultural Parodies: Celebrating and Appreciating Diversity through Satire
• Breaking Cultural Norms with Humor: Redefining Traditions Playfully
• Humorous Cultural Misconceptions: Dispelling Myths and Prejudices
• Comedy and Cross-Cultural Communication: Embracing Humor in Global Interactions
• Funny Travel Tales: Laughing at Cultural Blunders and Experiences
• Humorous Cultural Stereotypes: Addressing Taboos with Comedy
• Laughing with Respect: Using Humor to Honor and Appreciate Cultures
• Cultural Humor in Everyday Life: Finding Joy in Diversity
• Stand-Up for Cultural Awareness: Using Comedy for Positive Change
• Cultural Comedy in the Workplace: Building Inclusive and Happy Teams

Jurisprudence

• The Courtroom Chuckle: Using Humor in Legal Persuasion
• Gavel Giggles: Humorous Approaches to Legal Argumentation
• The Art of Legal Wit: How to Win Over the Jury with Laughter
• Humor in Law School: Surviving the Rigors with a Smile
• Funny Legal Language: Unraveling the Quirky Side of Legalese
• Laughing at the Law: A Comedic Exploration of Legal Cases
• Humorous Legal Precedents: Unusual Rulings and Courtroom Tales
• The Power of Legal Satire: Addressing Legal Issues with Comedy
• Courtroom Comedy: Entertaining While Making a Case
• The Jokes of Justice: Humor in Legal Practice and Advocacy
• Wit and Wisdom in Legal Writing: Injecting Humor into Briefs
• Hilarious Deposition Moments: Finding Laughter in Serious Situations
• Stand-Up for Justice: Using Comedy to Raise Legal Awareness
• The Comedy of Contracts: Unusual and Amusing Legal Agreements
• Lawyers with Laughs: Celebrating Funny Legal Professionals
• Humorous Courtroom Quips: Funny Quotes and Anecdotes from Trials
• Legal Roast and Toast: Honoring Legal Professionals with Humor
• Law and Order Chuckles: How Comedy Can Influence Legal Reforms
• Legal Parodies and Pranks: Exploring the Lighter Side of Jurisprudence
• Hilarity in the Halls of Justice: Using Humor for Effective Legal Communication

Relationships

• The Hilarious Side of Dating: Navigating Awkward Encounters with Humor
• The Comedy of Relationship Quirks: Finding Laughter in Love
• Couple's Comedy Night: Using Humor to Strengthen Relationship Bonds
• Laughing Through Relationship Challenges: How Comedy Can Ease Tensions
• Relationship Roast and Toast: Celebrating Love with Lightheartedness
• Love and Laughter: Embracing Humor in Intimate Relationships
• Funny Relationship Advice: Unconventional Tips for a Happy Partnership
• Stand-Up for Love: Using Comedy to Communicate and Connect in Relationships
• The Art of Relationship Satire: Playfully Addressing Common Couple Issues
• Couples' Comedy Retreat: Building Stronger Bonds with Humorous Activities
• Humorous Love Letters: Adding Fun to Romantic Communication
• Relationship Pranks and Jokes: Fostering Playfulness in Love
• The Joy of Inside Jokes: Creating a World of Laughter in Relationships
• Funny Apologies in Relationships: Making Amends with Humor
• Humor in Long-Distance Relationships: Keeping Love Alive with Laughter
• The Comedy of Marriage: Exploring the Lighter Side of Matrimony
• Relationship Comedy Nights: Entertaining and Educating for a Stronger Connection
• Laughing with Your Partner: The Benefits of Shared Humor in Relationships
• Relationship Spoofs and Parodies: Celebrating Love with Playful Imitations
• Funny Relationship Confessions: Embracing Imperfections in Love
• Food Funnies: Using Humor to Spice Up Your Culinary Persuasion
• Laughing at Food Trends: Exploring the Quirky Side of Gastronomy
• The Comedy of Cooking: Finding Humor in Kitchen Mishaps
• Stand-Up for Foodies: Using Comedy to Celebrate Culinary Adventures
• The Hilarity of Food Etiquette: Embracing Table Manners with a Smile
• Food Pranks and Jokes: Playful Culinary Shenanigans
• Humorous Food Critiques: Reviewing Meals with a Dash of Wit
• The Comedy of Food History: Unearthing Funny Culinary Anecdotes
• Funny Food Pairings: Unexpected and Amusing Flavors
• Cooking with Laughter: Incorporating Humor in Culinary Education
• LOL for Foodies: Celebrating the Joy of Eating with Humor
• Food Satire and Spoofs: Exploring the Lighter Side of Culinary Culture
• The Art of Food Puns: Wordplay in the World of Gastronomy
• Food Roast and Toast: Honoring Delicious Dishes with Humor
• The Joy of Food Cartoons: Bringing Culinary Comedy to Life
• Cooking Comedy Night: Entertaining and Educating through Culinary Humor
• Humorous Food Challenges: Laughter in Culinary Competitions
• Foodie Fails and Bloopers: Embracing Kitchen Mishaps with a Smile
• The Funny Side of Food Advertising: Creative and Hilarious Marketing
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📒 Tips for Making Your Speech or Writing Funny

Humor is a powerful tool that can captivate an audience and leave a lasting impression. Whether you're delivering a speech or writing an article, injecting humor can add charm and engage your readers or listeners. Here are some valuable tips to help you infuse humor into your speech or writing effectively:

• Know Your Audience: Understand the preferences and feelings of your audience. Adjust your humor to resonate with them and avoid potentially offensive jokes. It is logical that the structure of your report will be different in different situations. If you need to come up with funny persuasive speech topics for college students, then you should choose topics that students are interested in and that will be popular among young people. If you are preparing topics for discussion with research associates, there should be much less humor before.
• Use Personal Anecdotes: Share funny and intimate personal stories that are related to your topic. Authenticity can make your humor more appealing. And then the ideas of how to start an essay funny will come to you quite easily.
• Wordplay and Puns: Incorporate clever wordplay and puns to add a witty touch to your content. Play with language to elicit laughter.
• Timing is Key: Master the art of comedic timing. Pause before delivering the punchline to build anticipation and maximize the impact.
• Embrace Observational Humor: Find humor in everyday situations and observations. This type of humor is relatable and can easily connect with your audience.
• Exaggeration and Hyperbole: Playfully exaggerate situations or characters to create humor. However, ensure it remains within a reasonable and believable context.
• Relieve Tension: Use humor to lighten serious topics or tense moments. It can ease the atmosphere and make your audience more receptive.
• Incorporate Visuals: If possible, use visuals, such as funny images or gifs, to complement your humor and enhance the comedic effect.
• Practice Delivery: Rehearse your speech or read your article out loud to gauge the flow of humor and make necessary adjustments.
• Be Yourself: Embrace your unique sense of humor. Authenticity can make your humor more genuine and endearing.
• Use Callbacks: Reference earlier jokes or anecdotes to create callbacks that bring added humor to your content.
• Avoid Offending: Steer clear of offensive humor or jokes that may alienate your audience. Aim for inclusive and lighthearted humor.
• Research Comedy: Study the work of comedians and writers known for their humor. Analyze their techniques and incorporate them into your style.
• Test the Waters: If you're unsure about a joke's reception, try it out with a small, trusted audience to gauge their reaction.
• Edit and Refine: Polish your speech or article to ensure the humor flows naturally and aligns with your overall message.

By following these tips, you can bring humor to your speech or writing, captivating your audience and leaving them with a smile. Who knows, maybe after that your colleagues will turn to you for advice, asking you how to start writing funny essay examples. Remember that humor is a powerful tool that can make your content more memorable and impactful. So, enjoy the laughter and watch your audience take your message in a whole new way!

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How to Write a Good Joke

Last Updated: June 24, 2024 Approved

Sample Jokes

Expert q&a.

This article was co-authored by Kendall Payne . Kendall Payne is a Writer, Director, and Stand-up Comedian based in Brooklyn, New York. Kendall specializes in directing, writing, and producing comedic short films. Her films have screened at Indie Short Fest, Brooklyn Comedy Collective, Channel 101 NY, and 8 Ball TV. She has also written and directed content for the Netflix is a Joke social channels and has written marketing scripts for Between Two Ferns: The Movie, Astronomy Club, Wine Country, Bash Brothers, Stand Up Specials and more. Kendall runs an IRL internet comedy show at Caveat called Extremely Online, and a comedy show for @ssholes called Sugarp!ss at Easy Lover. She studied at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre and at New York University (NYU) Tisch in the TV Writing Certificate Program. There are 8 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page. wikiHow marks an article as reader-approved once it receives enough positive feedback. In this case, several readers have written to tell us that this article was helpful to them, earning it our reader-approved status. This article has been viewed 464,641 times.

One of the best ways to make people laugh is by telling a joke or a funny story. Studies show that jokes and laughter can decrease stress and ease tension. [1] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source Good jokes can also break the ice in awkward situations. But getting people to laugh requires writing good jokes. With these tips, practice, and remembering to have fun, your good jokes will give many people a good laugh!

Things You Should Know

• The key is to find great material while avoiding controversial topics. For example, your own life is great inspiration, but religious topics are not.
• Write an effective set up and punchline. Lead your audience into the joke with a few details, then come up with a hilarious finish.
• Go big on facial expressions and hand gestures to spice up your delivery. Visual cues can make a good joke great!

• Consider the types of jokes or comedians who make you and your friends or colleagues laugh. Having an idea of jokes that elicit laughter will point the way to finding optimal joke material.
• It's a good idea to think about material for different situations and audiences so that you can tailor your jokes to them. For example, a joke you deliver to break the ice at a job interview (“How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice!”) will not be the same as a joke at a family party (“What did the cake say to the knife? You wanna piece of me?”) [2] X Research source

• Topics such as current events, celebrities, or even yourself (known as self-deprecating humor) make excellent joke material. You can find funny material for jokes in almost every situation. [3] X Research source For example: Public figures and their behavior often find themselves the butt of jokes. Comedian Chris D'Elia joked of singer Justin Bieber "You have it all: except love, friends, good parents and a Grammy."
• Newspapers, magazines, or even situations in your own life make excellent joke topics. For instance, you could make a joke about having a “black thumb” with plants: “I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.” [4] X Research source
• Watching famous comedians deliver their jokes during an act is another good source of material. It will also show you how to effectively deliver a joke.

• Jokes about topics such as race and religion are likely to offend many people. While it might be acceptable in some situations, such as among family members, to make off-color jokes, it's best to leave controversial topics off the table for other forums.
• If you're unsure about if your topic or joke will offend someone, it's best to err on the side of caution and leave it out.

• Jokes as a short story are another effective method. However, remember to keep them short! A good example of a joke wrapped in a short story is: “There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer. When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!" He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.”

• Remember "less is more." As you prepare your set up and punchline, remember that you will want to tell your joke in as few words as possible. Avoid unnecessary details and phrases. BJ Novak's joke “Battered women: sounds delicious” and the joke “What did the cake say to the knife? You wanna piece of me?” are examples of jokes that demonstrate the “less is more” strategy. Any other details would have caused the jokes to fall flat. [8] X Research source
• Your set up should be one or two lines, or a few lines for a story. It prepares your audience by creating an expectation and giving them the details they need to understand the punchline. The joke about the dead cactus is a good example of this. The comedian sets up the joke with the lines “I bought a cactus. A week later it died.” [9] X Research source
• The punchline is the “funny” part of your joke that will make people laugh. It builds on the set up and is only one word or one sentence. It often reveals the surprise, irony, or word play to your audience. Again, the dead cactus joke is a good example of a short and funny punchline. After setting up the audience with the details of his plant cactus, the comedian tells us: And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.” .” [10] X Research source

• A good example of exaggeration and irony is the story about the young man with great aspirations. Most listeners will expect that he fulfilled his wish to write “stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!" through novels or short stories. Instead, the surprise is that “He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.”

• You can use tags and toppers as a way to get extra laughs without writing a new joke or needing to set up any material. For example, you could add a topper to the short story by saying “In fact, he's the one screaming, crying, wailing, and howling in pain the most.”

• You'll need to find the joke funny for your audience to feel the same! If you don't find the joke funny or somehow off, revise it until it works for you.

• You're less likely to offend someone if you know your audience. For example, it's probably not advisable to tell the joke about “battered women” to a women's group.

• If your audience doesn't laugh you can make a joke about that or move on to other material. You can always revise the joke for future use.
• Remember that even the best comics have jokes that fall flat. John Stewart, Jerry Seinfeld, Bob Newhart and others aren't funny all the time.

Embrace the joy of performing for others. "I'm really only happy when I'm on stage. I just feed off the energy of the audience. That's what I'm all about - people and laughter."

Reader Videos

• People have different senses of humor. You're not always going to make the entire audience laugh. Getting some people to laugh is already a success! Thanks Helpful 2 Not Helpful 1
• Don't be discouraged if you don't see people laughing at your jokes. Use "Trial and Error" when writing and delivering jokes. Thanks Helpful 2 Not Helpful 1

You Might Also Like

• ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/stress-management/in-depth/stress-relief/art-20044456
• ↑ https://www.harrytheclown.com/jokes.html
• ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/books/2008/sep/22/comedy
• ↑ https://nymag.com/nymetro/arts/features/14578/
• ↑ https://www.standupcomedyclinic.com/how-to-write-a-joke-2/
• ↑ Kendall Payne. Standup Comedian. Expert Interview. 3 April 2020.

About This Article

To write a good joke, start by writing a 1 to 2 line set up to prepare your audience for the joke. For example, a set up could be "How much did the polar bear weigh?" Then, write a 1 word or 1 sentence punchline that will reveal the surprise, irony, or word play to your audience. For example, if your set up was "How much did the polar bear weight?" your punchline could be “Enough to break the ice!” Before performing your jokes, practice them so you don’t need to read them off a paper. To learn how to find material for your jokes, keep reading! Did this summary help you? Yes No

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Funny Personal Statements: How to Use Humor in Your College Application

James Eimers

June 16, 2017

The Art of Writing Funny Personal Statements: How to Use Humor in Your College Application

When 650 words or fewer play a critical role in determining where you’ll pursue your degree, it’s hard to think of admissions essays as anything other than serious business.

With such a small space to give admissions officers a glimpse into who you are and why you’d be a great addition to a given school, it’s always tempting to paint a professional, straight-laced picture of yourself; after all, what school wouldn’t want a mature student highly focused on academic success?

Indeed, for some students, this might be a completely reasonable approach to the Common App personal statement . However, as with many things in life, there is no one-size-fits-all strategy when it comes to admissions essays, and it’s important to take a step back and recall their purpose. Test scores, grades, and letters of recommendation all play an important and informative role in the application process, but none allow you to present yourself in your own words—that’s the beauty of the admissions essays.

There are as many approaches and possible answers to essay questions as there are applicants, including those with a keen sense of humor. Admissions readers count on this because, aside from assembling an incoming class that meets the academic profile of their schools, they hope to admit interesting students with diverse talents who will enrich the educational and life experience of those around them. As a result, even though it feels a bit untraditional, letting your personality—including your sense of humor—shine through your essays can be an excellent way to create a memorable application.

Although humor can go a long way to demonstrating an applicant’s creativity and personality, this doesn’t mean that the approach will work for everyone. It actually can be a common personal statement mistake to try and use humor. Funny personal statements can definitely pack a punch, but they're difficult to do well. When writing what I call a “humorous/offbeat” admissions essay, there are a few key concepts to keep in mind.

Remember that humor itself should never be the main point of the essay. It’s perfectly acceptable to make your reader smile or even laugh out loud, but only in the course of telling a story that reveals something important about yourself. In other words, ensure that you use humor only as a device to highlight or enhance the underlying substance or reflective nature of your essay. Funny personal statements are effective only in showing the personal qualities of the writer at the same time.

You should never force humor into your essays, even when attempting funny personal statements . It is an unfortunate truth of life that making others laugh does not come naturally to all of us, so the offbeat/humor essay might not be an option for everyone. Admissions essays should indicate who you really are; forced humor that falls flat will indeed leave a memorable impression, but for all the wrong reasons.

When writing funny personal statements , the peer-review process becomes even more important than it already is. Humor is subjective by nature, so before clicking “submit” on your applications, make sure that a wide variety of people in your life (friends, parents, and teachers) have read your essays. If all your readers think your essay is appropriate and lighthearted, you’ve likely composed an essay with humor that will land well with an admissions office. If not, it might be time to go back to the drawing board.

When done correctly, f unny personal statements can be extremely effective. One of the best essays I’ve ever read followed this formula: Rife with stories about fanciful white lies he had told others over the years, this student’s essay at first seemed risky. Why reveal to an admissions office the fact that you have, at times, stretched the truth?

However, the student soon made it clear that stretching the truth in his younger days was in fact an early manifestation of his larger desire to tell stories—he wanted to study creative writing and ultimately become an author. His past storytelling revealed much about his creative character and also the fact that, although he had done quite well in school, he didn’t take himself too seriously while doing so. Ultimately, the student was admitted to a number of top schools.

I’ll leave you with some final tips to review when thinking about using humor in your admissions essays:

• Stay away from potentially controversial topics—at best, you will demonstrate a lack of self-awareness, and at worst you might personally offend the admissions reader. Again, peer review your humor before submitting!
• The humor should be original. By writing funny personal statements , you are illustrating the fact that you are a creative student with a good sense of humor—recycling humor falls short here.
• You can use humor in many different types of essays, but remember that the humor should be added only after you already know what story you want to tell; humor alone should never be the substance of your essay.
• Subtle humor can often make a stronger impression than can loud, straightforward humor.

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People are sharing wipeout memes while teasing they ‘did not make the cut’ for the Olympics

Many people have dreamed of Olympic glory at some point. TikTok’s latest trend is making light of those lofty ambitions.

“Sad to Announce I Did Not Make the Cut for Paris 2024,” is the hilarious trend making its rounds on the social media platform. Over 30 million posts use the phrase while highlighting a wonky spectacle of various athletic attempts.

The template is relatively straightforward: Most videos take place at some kind of athletic facility, like a track field or swimming pool, and a jazzed-up version of the American national anthem plays in the background. Then, the subject in the video is getting ready to execute some kind of skill — then promptly, and hilariously, fails.

Gabe Coaster’s post on the platform has over half a million views and begins with a video of him racing down a runway with a vaulting pole.

Coaster’s clip shows him heaving forward in an attempt to clear the bar before snapping back and hitting the ground with a visceral, forceful smack.

“A friend sent me one of the diving (memes), and they were like, ‘Oh, you should do this trend, but do it with that funny pole vault video that you had,’” Coaster explains to TODAY.com in a recent interview of how he came to participate in the trend.

He says the video was taken five years ago when he was in his junior year of high school.

“I was starting on a new pole, and that was my first time jumping on it, actually,” he recalls. “I was nervous going into the jump. It was a really big pole for me, and I planted too late, and the pole jumped out of the box and into the mat, and it just completely rejected me.”

The 22-year-old content creator has since moved on from his pole vaulting career. He might not be at the 2024 Paris Olympics, but he says he is paying attention to the sport from his heydays.

“I’m watching the pole vaulters,” he says of what’s captured his attention the past couple of weeks, mentioning that he was "excited" to see Swedish Mondo Duplantis perform at the time (since TODAY.com spoke to Coaster, Duplantis broke his own world record on Aug. 5).

Thirteen million accounts have liked a post shared by @www.ihaveacrushonyou, which shows the user leaping off of a diving board only to do a backward flop into a pool.

User @tiptoeininmy used footage of her effort to wrangle the uneven bars. The post, which has over 14 million views, shows her flinging with speed from the bars and past her landing mat. After her crash landing, she humbly manages the classic gymnast salute while still down and out.

“You still saluting got me weak,” one user wrote.

“Very unique dismount indeed!” another commented.

Mackenzie Wren's take on the meme sees her flop, tumble and cling to the balance beam. Speaking to TODAY.com, she explains the video is a window into her brief career as a gymnast in high school, which began during her freshman year.

“I did gymnastics only in high school, really. I just did it for fun,” Wren, who goes by the TikTok username @mermaidmackenzie, explains. “It was like a good little social aspect thing for me.”

Wren recalls her family attending the gymnastics meet in her video, and that she had "only really nailed the cartwheel on the beam during practice." Despite it being a new skill, she decided to go for it in front of the crowd.

“I just remember falling onto the beam and my leg hurting a bit. I found it kind of funny because I was like, ‘Wow, I just did that in front of all those people,’” she continues. “I didn’t think too much about it; I just popped back up, laughed it off, and got right back on the beam to finish my routine.”

Wren says the meme is a reminder that sports don't have to always be taken so seriously and that fun is at its core.

“In the moment, I was just having fun with my routine,” she recalls. “I fell, but I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. Everyone falls, like, that’s the whole point of sports.”

Even Team USA gymnast Suni Lee, who won one gold and two bronze medals at the Paris Olympics, jumped on the TikTok trend — but with a twist.

Lee posted the video on Aug. 6, a day after she and teammate Simone Biles didn’t podium at the balance beam finals, and it showed the moment when she fell during her routine. She tweaked her message to say, "Unfortunately I was selected for the Olympics ❤️"

"You won this trend😭," one user wrote.

"You win the internet gold medal," another penned.

A third wrote, "The way you made this.... You are EPIC. Your sense of humor is now legendary."

Alex Portée is a senior trending reporter at TODAY Digital and is based in Los Angeles.

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9 Fun Activities for Kids With ADHD

Westend61 / Getty Images

Create Something

Get organized, go on an adventure, do a project together, get out of the house, cook together, go stargazing.

A child who has ADHD (attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder) can seem to have an endless supply of energy , and finding things for them to do can be an endless challenge. One solution: Keep a list of fun activities to occupy their busy brains and bodies. Here are eight to get you started.

You don't have to sign your child up for every sport under the sun, but physical activity is a must. Getting your child's body moving will help them to focus their energy on a fun and rewarding activity. Go for a walk, play tag, or ride bikes together.

Physical exercise helps decrease anxiety, depression, aggression, and social problems among children with ADHD.

Signing up for a youth sports group can be a great option for many kids with ADHD. Sports and athletics can be a particularly great outlet, but carefully consider which type of sport might best match your child's needs and abilities. 

A child with hyperactive/impulsive type ADHD might benefit from a highly active, physical sport (such as wrestling or swimming), whereas a child with inattentive type ADHD would do better with one with more short-term, focused goals (such as track and field).

Another great way to channel your child's energy is to encourage them to be creative. This could mean painting, drawing, building with blocks, or even just making up stories. Let your child's imagination run wild and see what they come up with.

Creative expression is beneficial for many mental health conditions, including ADHD. Expressive arts therapy , for example, can be helpful for both children and adults with ADHD. It may help kids practice and strengthen several skills, including focus, communication, and problem-solving skills. It can also be useful for expressing emotions, building self-awareness , and reducing stress levels.

One study found that allowing kids with ADHD to draw and talk about their lives was a useful way to gain insight into their interests and subjective well-being .

Fortunately, you can draw on many of these same benefits by doing creative activities with your child. Drawing, finger painting, sculpting with clay, collaging, or even just scribbling can help your child express themself while having fun.

Many kids with ADHD struggle with organization, but cleaning up and getting organized can be a fun activity if you make it into a game.

Help your child to organize their toys , clothes, or school supplies. You can even race to see who can clean up the quickest.

Some ideas to help make cleaning and organizing fun and exciting:

• Set a timer : Try setting a timer for a short amount of time (around five to ten minutes), and then see how much each of you can clean up in that time. 
• Laundry race : Challenge your child to see how much laundry they can help fold and put away.
• Fill a basket : Grab a couple of laundry baskets (or find one for each member of the family if everyone wants to get involved), and see who can fill each one with toys or other items lying around the house. Once the first phase of the game is over, you can move on to the next challenge—seeing who can put all of the items in their basket away the quickest.

Kids with ADHD often love adventure, and new experiences are more likely to hold their interest. Plan a treasure hunt around the house or go on a nature hike and see who can find the most interesting things. Be sure to bring along a camera so that you can document your child's findings.

Because kids with ADHD often struggle with feelings of boredom , introducing novel activities can be a great way to help them stay interested. 

Variety is the key to keeping your child engaged. So, mix things up and try out new activities on a regular basis. With a little bit of creativity, you can come up with endless fun activities for kids with ADHD.

Games are a great way to help kids with ADHD focus their energy in a way that can help entertain them while building valuable skills. 

Memory games or word puzzles can be a good option for some kids or even an active game like musical chairs.

Other fun activities to try include:

• Indoor scavenger hunt
• Building towers out of cards or blocks
• Balloon volleyball
• Playing music and dancing
• Indoor obstacle course
• Jumping rope
• Hula hooping
• Jumping on a trampoline

You don’t need to spend a lot of money to find items for your games. In many cases, you can take things you already have in the house and incorporate them into a fun activity. It just takes some imagination to keep things interesting and keep your child from getting bored. 

Working on a project together can be a fun way to bond with your child while also helping them to focus their energy.

Examples of projects you might work on together include:

• Creating a storybook
• Learning a musical instrument
• Craft projects
• Dress up games

Choose a project that is age-appropriate and let your child take the lead. This can be a great way to help your child build self-regulation skills. Finishing a project with your help can also help them gain a sense of mastery and accomplishment.

Sometimes, the best way to entertain a child with ADHD is to leave the house. Plan a day trip to somewhere that your child will be interested in. This could be a museum, the zoo, an amusement park, or even just a new playground.

• Have a picnic : Picnics are fun for everyone and can be a great way to spend some time together outdoors. Pack up some snacks and head to your backyard or a nearby park for a fun-filled afternoon. You can make your picnic as simple or as fancy as you want—just make sure to include plenty of good food and fun games.
• Go camping : If you really want to get away from it all, go camping! This is a great activity for kids with ADHD because it gets them out in nature where they can run and explore. And if heading for the wilderness isn’t an option, try just camping out in your backyard (or even your living room).
• Visit a museum: Museums can be fun for kids of all ages, but they can be especially fun for kids with ADHD. They offer a chance to explore and learn in a stimulating but not overwhelming environment.

Cooking is a great activity for kids with ADHD because it involves many different senses. Plus, it's a fun way to bond with your child and teach them valuable life skills. Start with simple recipes that are great for beginners before working your way up to more complex ones.

You can make this a regular part of your child's routine by setting aside certain days of the week for preparing certain meals.

For example, one night might be "pizza night," where each member of the family gets to choose their own toppings and prepare their own mini-pizza. 

Stargazing is a calming activity that can be fun for kids of all ages. It's a great way to spend time together while also teaching your child about science and the world around them.

If staying up late enough to see the stars isn't an option for your little one, you might consider something like a hike, nature walk, or trip to the beach during the day instead. All of these activities offer a chance to explore and learn while also getting some fresh air and exercise.

Studies have shown that having more contact with nature and green spaces can positively impact children's mental health, including children who have ADHD.

Doing activities with together is a great way to bond with your child and help them focus on something they find interesting and rewarding. Look for ways to incorporate fun and adventure as you go about your day—even when you're just preparing a meal or doing household chores. These fun activities for kids with ADHD can provide a much-needed outlet for their energy and give you some quality time together. 

Zang Y. Impact of physical exercise on children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorders: Evidence through a meta-analysis . Medicine (Baltimore) . 2019;98(46):e17980. doi:10.1097/MD.0000000000017980

Barfield PA, Driessnack M. Children with ADHD draw-and-tell about what makes their life really good . J Spec Pediatr Nurs . 2018 Apr;23(2):e12210. doi:10.1111/jspn.12210

Tillmann S, Tobin D, Avison W, Gilliland J. Mental health benefits of interactions with nature in children and teenagers: a systematic review . J Epidemiol Community Health . 2018;72(10):958-966. doi:10.1136/jech-2018-210436

By Kendra Cherry, MSEd Kendra Cherry, MS, is a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist, psychology educator, and author of the "Everything Psychology Book."

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Level up their kid-friendly fun with the included puffy cover, colorful Crayo-Pens and stickers.

All-in-one kid-friendly fun

Keep your Galaxy Tab A9+ Kids Edition protected and promote play right out of the box with a puffy cover, colorful Crayo-Pen styluses and fun stickers.

Durable for little adventurers

A soft, puffy cover helps protect from life’s little accidents and an adjustable kickstand allows for hands-free viewing and play on the go.

Encourage creativity with Crayo-Pens

Three included Crayo-Pens are perfectly sized for little hands so they can easily draw and let their imaginations soar.

Loved by kids. Trusted by parents.

Help your kids learn and play in a safe environment with the Samsung Kids app.¹ They'll love the stimulating content. And you'll enjoy easy parental controls with a step-by-step guide on how to customize Kids Mode access, set time limits and more.

Family-size screen. Kid-friendly fun.

Bring fun home to your little ones with a bright, engaging 11" screen.² A refresh rate of up to 90Hz makes every experience feel smooth — perfect for streaming videos and playing educational games.

Power for all they do

An upgraded chipset provides the performance they need for everyday activities. Plus, they’ll have room to keep all their creations with 64GB³ of included storage and up to 1TB more with microSD card.⁴

A powerful battery for more playtime

Let them learn, stream and play even on long trips with a long-lasting battery that charges fast to get back to 100% quickly.⁵

A tablet made just for them

Slim, light and ready to go, add color to their world.

1 Samsung Kids app comes preloaded on Galaxy Tab A9+.

2 Measured diagonally, the Galaxy Tab A9+ screen size is 11.0" in the full rectangle and 10.9" accounting for the rounded corners. Actual viewable area is less due to the rounded corners.

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How tall are gold medalists? Find your Olympic champion match and try out sports yourself.

Every four years we witness Olympic athletes stretching the bounds of human ability, but these feats are not achieved overnight. Standing on the podium requires years of training, specialized skills, excellent coaching, significant resources, and luck. As the excitement of the Olympic Games continues to reverberate around the world, let's take a look at the bodies and minds of top performers, and ways that we can push our own limits responsibly.

First, let's take a look at some of the most apparent athletic attributes: height and mass. Adjust the sliders below to see Olympic athletes with different body types, but remember, size isn't everything.

We spoke with two experts about how these athletes are able to perform at such high levels, and how you can start your own sports journey in a healthy way. Dr. Michael Joyner of Mayo Clinic shares his perspective on the physiology of elite athletes, and Dr. Ulrick Vieux of Hackensack Meridian Hackensack University Medical Center speaks from his experience as a sports psychiatrist.

Joyner says that those with certain characteristics often gravitate toward certain sports. "Bigger people tend to go to sports that require absolute power. And smaller people tend to go to sports that require aerobic power, or muscular power to body weight ratio. And over the years the sizes have converged and the variability amongst elite athletes is less."

Vieux says that one of the most important things to emphasize to aspiring athletes is the difference between performance and longevity. "It goes back to the mindset, realizing that longevity is really the key thing. The problem is, for elite athletes in the high school realm, in the college realm, and in the professional realm, this concept of 'I need to perform maximally and the longevity perspective will take care of itself.'" Instead, Vieux advocates healthy, long-term goals and lifestyle-based approaches.

Next, we will take a look at factors that can help Olympians succeed, and some ideas for incorporating these sports into your own workout. Keep in mind that body shape, weight and composition change throughout an athlete's career and they are not the only factors that contribute to Olympic wins. Focusing too much on these attributes can stunt your progress and negatively affect your physical and mental health .

According to Joyner, gymnastics often favors smaller, shorter people because of the ratio of their strength to body weight and the increased ability to tuck and curl. He noted that Olympic gymnasts have become shorter and more muscular over time. "If you look at women gymnasts from the 1950s and 60s, they're much bigger than the women competing today."

Gymnastics routines require a tremendous amount of upper body strength for movements such as swinging, balancing, and holding various poses. These athletes often have muscular torsos that are V-shaped with a wide upper back and a developed chest and shoulders. However, while many gymnasts do tend to have a similar physique, research shows that these characteristics are not predictive of success. And while gymnasts may be shorter than other athletes, research shows that it's not related to their training .

Try it yourself: Adult gymnastics classes could be a great way to improve strength, flexibility and agility at any age. A study that tracked women with an average age of 62 found that those who participated in recreational gymnastics weekly had greater bone density, bone strength, and muscular agility. You could also try calisthenics where exercises often involve horizontal bars or rings. Practicing calisthenics can help improve posture, strength and body composition without the need for major training equipment, according to a study published in Isokinetics and Exercise Science .

Weightlifting

Shorter weightlifters gain an advantage due to the way their bodies are structured, according to research published in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health . Our bodies use bones as levers during lifting, and when our limbs are shorter, it's easier to lift weights because the muscles don't have to work as hard. In contrast, taller lifters with longer bones need to exert more effort and do more work to lift the same weights because their muscles have to move the weights over a longer distance. Weightlifters generally need more muscle mass than athletes in other sports to generate power and explosiveness during lifts.

Try it yourself : Incorporating weightlifting into your exercise routine could be a great way to develop power and gain muscle mass. Weightlifting involves high-force and high-speed movements, making you better at lifting, pushing, and pulling, which are all necessary for daily activities. It might also lead to better development of the nervous system's ability to control muscles effectively .

Athletes running at different distances need different training regimes. Those racing distances of 100, 200, and 400 meters are often heavier because muscles play a crucial role in sprinting, according to research in Scientific Reports . It's particularly important for sprinters to have strong core muscles, as they activate before the legs and help to stabilize the trunk. Athletes running 5,000-meter, 10,000-meter and marathon tend to be more slender.

Joyner says that generally the best laboratory studies involve endurance athletes, especially runners, cyclists, rowers, and to some extent swimmers. "What you see is very high aerobic capacity in all of those people, but very different sizes. And you see that the swimmers are big and the rowers are even bigger, but the distance runners are tiny."

Try it yourself: You could improve both mood and the brain's executive processing with as little as a 10-minute running session, according to a study in Scientific Reports . Exercising at a moderate to vigorous intensity for 60 minutes or less, like running, swimming or cycling will also give your immune system a boost . By doing it nearly every day, these benefits add up over time, making your immune system stronger and enhancing your overall health.

Top swimmers do not need to be slim to win.  A study published in the Proceedings of the Royal Society B showed that athletes swimming the 50-meter freestyle shared a similar body mass with those competing in the two-hour, 10,000-meter open-water marathon. Core muscles also play a crucial role for swimmers . Strong trunk muscles can lead to faster starts with less splash and resistance, and make it easier to maintain a streamlined position.

According to Joyner, "While some sports require a big engine – the engine meaning the heart and the lungs and so forth – relative to body size, with rowing, you're in a boat, and if you are a bigger person, you add drag to the boat, but the power you add is greater than the drag you add. The same is true in swimming."

Try it yourself: Aside from taking to the pool for a few laps, a strong core is critical to almost all movements in sports, and everybody can benefit from regular core muscle workouts. Planks, bicycle crunches and similar exercises can improve your balance and stability and stabilize your lower back , preventing or reducing lower back pain.

Taller tennis players can benefit from a stronger serve because longer arms help create a more powerful movement and their height allows them to strike the ball from a higher point, according to a study published in PLOS ONE . Upper body strength can also contribute to a more effective serve. But speed, agility and endurance are crucial for success in tennis making it possible for shorter players to excel .

Try it yourself : Taking up tennis as a hobby can improve and maintain bone health , increase stamina and reduce the risk of cardiovascular diseases. It's also a great way to meet new people and make friends. One study reported that people playing tennis feel a sense of community. Following quick and random movements of a ball and positioning yourself requires quick reflexes, good eyesight and hand-eye coordination, and quick processing of information, so it's no wonder that playing tennis can lead to improvement in cognitive processing abilities .

Volleyball is another sport where successful athletes are taller on average. High-ranking players often have more lean body mass, bigger arm spans and can jump higher, according to a study in the Journal of Human Kinetics .

Try it yourself: Like tennis, volleyball requires constant decision-making and adaptation, which can really boost these brain functions. The mental demands of volleyball also activate important brain areas involved in planning and problem-solving. When playing volleyball you are also a part of a team, providing you with social support that might also enhance these cognitive skills. Joining volleyball games will not only get you moving but also increase social engagement, making you feel more connected and supported .

Set healthy goals

Up to 45% of female athletes and 19% of male athletes struggle with an eating disorder, according to a study in the European Journal of Sport Science . Vieux adds that 16.7 percent of the athletes had symptoms of OCD with 5 percent meeting the full criteria. Vieux urges empathy when you or someone you know may be dealing with an eating disorder. He also suggests that we should shift the way we think about weight loss.

"Sometimes as lay people, we'll look at these Olympic athletes, we'll look at these professional athletes and then we'll get motivated to lose weight. And then we'll say, well, I'm going to go on a diet."

"Never use the word diet," says Vieux. "You want to use the word lifestyle change. Why? Because a diet can be temporary, but if you change your lifestyle, that is how you get the full benefits."

Both experts stress the importance of proper coaching and a supportive community. "This is where having a solid team, a coach that you can trust, an agent that you can trust, having family members that you can trust is vital because it's very easy to get lost," says Vieux.

If someone is working out for general fitness, Joyner says that "moderately vigorous physical activity, 30 minutes a day is terrific. You get tremendous health benefits, but if you're trying to get a little bit better, at anything that requires technique, get coaching, especially for tennis, golf, bowling, rowing, and swimming."

Keep it fun

Both experts also insist that sports should remain fun and enjoyable, no matter what level you are competing at, or how old you are. "If you're doing this for fitness and you are a person in their 20s, 30s, 40s, middle-aged or older, I think the main thing is just find an activity, do it, and then apply the principles that the elite athletes use, which are consistent training, hard day, easy day, what we call progressive overload, and some cross training. And I think the main thing we have to do is help people find an activity they enjoy," Joyner says.

Vieux urges parents not to put too much pressure on their children and asks aspiring athletes to avoid comparing themselves with apparent representations of athletic perfection. "Focus on yourself, really focus on self-realization. Oftentimes, what we're seeing is not accurate, whether it is print media or from a television. I would say that when it comes to sports, the point of sports is really to enjoy yourself and to get healthy."

"Not every sport will be ideal. You have to find the sport that makes sense for you."

Contributing: Javier Zarracina, Adrianna Rodriguez, and Cecilia Garzella.

Live updates and highlights:

• Paris Olympics live updates Monday: Biles gets silver, track & field schedule, medal count
• Paris Olympics live updates: Scottie Scheffler wins gold; Suni Lee medals
• Paris Olympics highlights: Simone Biles, Katie Ledecky win more gold for Team USA
• Netherlands' Femke Bol steals 4x400 mixed relay win from Team USA in Paris Olympics
• USA breaks world record, wins swimming Olympic gold in women's medley relay
• USA Women's Basketball vs. Germany highlights: US gets big victory to win Group C
• American Bobby Finke defends Olympic gold in swimming's 1,500M, breaks world record
• USA Basketball's Anthony Edwards threw down a windmill dunk in win, and 'ignited' his team

More Olympics stories:

• Simone Biles is spectacular, but she's human, too. We saw it in Olympic floor, beam finals
• Belgian triathlete gets sick after competing in Seine river
• Scottie Scheffler's late charge wins golf Olympic gold for Team USA
• USA's Suni Lee won Olympic bronze in a stacked bars final. Why this one means even more
• Who is Kristen Faulkner? Cyclist ends 40-year drought for U.S. women at 2024 Paris Olympics
• Tears of Gold: Scottie Scheffler breaks down during national anthem after Olympic golf win
• Watch Jordan Chiles' reaction when found out she won Olympic bronze medal in floor
• USA's Jade Carey didn't even warm up her vaults before winning bronze at Paris Olympics
• 'Whirlwind' year continues as Jayson Tatum chases Olympic gold
• Why Simone Biles, Jordan Chiles bowed down to Rebeca Andrade after Olympic floor final
• US women's basketball vs Germany shows how WNBA's prioritization rule hurts the game

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6 ways grown-ups can recreate that fresh, buzzy feeling of a new school year

Back-to-school season can still be an opportunity for a refresh, even if you're not headed back to the classroom. Maria Korneeva/Getty Images/Moment RF hide caption

Ah, remember the excitement of starting a new school year? Shopping for new notebooks, picking out the perfect outfit for the first day of school, the smell of pencil sharpenings in the classroom?

Just because you’re a grown-up doesn’t mean you can’t harness that buzzy back-to-school energy. Here are seven activities you probably did in school as a kid -- like playing at recess and packing lunches -- updated for the adult version of you. We hope these ideas inspire new routines and positive changes as you transition into fall.

Miss packing a school lunch? Try meal-prepping

Kevin Curry, founder of FitMenCook , meal preps two nights a week. On these nights, he'll spend 45 minutes cooking five dishes to mix and match over the next few days — for example, chickpeas, chicken, jasmine rice, roasted vegetables and a green medley of spinach, chard and kale.

How To Learn A New Skill

"With those five foods I prepped, I made about ten different meal combinations," he says. One day you might want chicken, rice and greens, another day you might want chickpeas, greens and chicken. Transform the flavor of each meal with different condiments like tahini dressing or barbecue sauce. Read more tips here .

Miss back-to-school shopping? Spruce up your wardrobe

Even if you aren’t doing any back-to-school shopping this fall, you can prioritize your personal style with a closet purge. Asia Jackson, actor and YouTuber, says to try on every item in your wardrobe and ask yourself a few questions to determine if you should donate or keep that sweater you haven’t worn in years.

“Do you feel good in this item? Do you look good in this item?” says Jackson. “If it doesn't make you feel good, then you should get rid of it.” Once you’ve identified the pieces you love, use them as the foundation for your revamped style. Read more tips here . 

Miss learning new things? Read more books

If you want to read more books, try getting in a few pages in the morning before you start your day. NickyLloyd/Getty Images/E+ hide caption

Got a fall reading list you can’t wait to get through? Set yourself up for success by reading in the morning, says NPR culture correspondent Lynn Neary, “particularly on weekend mornings.”

You’re less likely to fall asleep the way you can if you try to read before bed, and it’s a nice way to start your day. Read more tips here . 

4 questions to ask yourself if you're considering going back to school

Miss writing in your planner make a better to-do list.

To create clear, short and doable action items, follow the two-minute rule. "If it takes less than two minutes, just do it right then and there," says Angel Trinidad , founder and CEO of Passion Planner, a company that sells paper and digital planners and journals. "It's not worth the bandwidth to write it down, remember it and do it."

For larger tasks, break them down into smaller chunks. People aren't specific enough when they write down items on their to-do lists, says Oliver Burkeman, author of Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals . And what ends up happening, he adds, is that "we don't get them done because we're not expressing them in a doable form." Read more tips here .

Miss recess? Bring more play into your life

Not sure how to incorporate more play into your life? Ask yourself what kind of play you enjoyed as a child. Stephen Zeigler/Getty Images/The Image Bank RF hide caption

If you want to bring more play into your life, you don't necessarily need to make any significant life changes or rework your entire schedule. Play is as simple as observing tiny moments in nature, says Stuart Brown , founder of the National Institute for Play. Any increase in play throughout your day is a win – whether it's a playful hobby like painting, playing a board game, or just a new, playful outlook.

If you aren’t sure what kind of play you’ll enjoy now as an adult, ask yourself – how did I like to play as a kid? And how can I incorporate that form of play into my life now? Read more tips here .

Miss meeting new people? Change your mindset on friendship

If you want to make more friends, assume that other people also need friends, says Heather Havrilesky, author of the advice column Ask Polly .

“People assume that everybody already has friends,” she says. The truth is, “nobody already has their friends.”

It may feel uncomfortable to send the first text message to hang out one-on-one for the first time. But accept the awkwardness, she says. It stems from vulnerability -- and you can't have friends without getting vulnerable. Read more tips here .

This digital story was written by Clare Marie Schneider. It was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual editor is Rebecca Harlan. We'd love to hear from you. Email us at [email protected]. Listen to Life Kit on Apple Podcasts  and Spotify , or sign up for our newsletter .